My H is doing the same thing, where he is happy one moment, then it is followed by him acting sad and distant or snapping at me. I wouldn't take that personally, as they are going through a lot of stress right now.
If you said she was not opening up to you before when you talked, and now she is doing that, then I see that as a positive thing. Maybe she feels safer now talking to you. Is that what she was missing from you before?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Yes, she felt she couldn't talk to me. Some of that she brought into the relationship based on her childhood. But she feels I became a person she didn't feel safe opening up to.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I really need some advice on how to handle this separation. We each have a place to stay (friend for W, brother for me) and we will alternate leaving so the kids living situation would stay as "normal" as possible. I originally thought our separation included working on our marriage, so I agreed. She later said she wasn't clear enough. That the separation is not to work on our marriage. She wants a divorce. So we are a week away from when she said she wants to separate. I really don't want to leave the house if she is sure she wants a divorce. If she needs space, then she can leave. I'm not sure what to do. Stick to the plan we had discussed, or let her know I don't want to separate and divorce, and if that is what she wants, than she can leave.
Any advice?
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Hi, that is a tricky one. It sounds like you already worked it out with her, how the living arrangements would be. I know, often people say that the person who is leaving/separating should be the one to leave the home. However, I am not sure since you have already made an agreement with her on how the living arrangements would go.
I think this is one that you will have to work out with her, unfortunately! After you separate, are you still going to work on the DB'ing? If you want any chance of re-conciliation in the future you will have to keep her request for living arrangements in mind. Have you read DR yet?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Well my W finally spoke a little about the divorce. She says because we haven't talked about it, that I wasn't truly respect her decision. She thought I would let her know what we need to do moving forward. I told her because this is not what I want, that I can't do this for her. Also let her know that I didn't want to pressure her into any conversations, and that I wanted to wait until she was ready to talk about it. She said she will call the courthouse and find out what steps to take.
W did admit she likes how we are acting towards each oother, and that's part of why she was avoiding D talk. She thought I would be mean towards her. I validated why she would feel that way, and let her know I am not angry.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I would simply say that you mistook her motivation for the separation and if it is merely a precursor to divorce, then she needs to leave as the unhappy partner who wants to end the M.
You need to validate, detach, all that stuff, you can't be mean ever and that's what she expects, but in pretty much every situation I read where the H rolls over and doesn't stand up for himself, he ends up either divorced or having a realization and becoming more of a man before it is too late. She needs to respect you and you need to have self-respect for that to happen.
If you have this discussion your W will probably flip out, big time. You need to maintain control of yourself and keep DBing through that conversation. Do not let her suck you into that. But do not back down, either, or she'll just feel like she can control, manipulate and walk all over you.
(This is coming from the guy who for some time paid all the bills during live-in separation, and looked after the children while his wife went off for overnight stays with OM. That didn't help me at all, in case you were wondering!)
Me: 24 W: 24 T: 9 M: 6 S7, D4, S2 PA Starts, ILYBINILWY: Nov 2012 BD & PA Discovered: Jan 2013 First ML since BD: April 2013 Physical separation: Mid-May 2013
Thanks for the advice, IS. I am really struggling with this.
Since there had been no D talk in a few weeks, and I was getting into a good DBing groove for the first time, I felt like I was making some progress. Our interactions were better and she was opening up a little. While I knew this day was probably coming (her confirming she wants a divorce), it hurts more than I thought. I am clearly not detached. I don't even feel like I am close.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I just told my W that living with my brother is not a good option, and that I will be staying in the house. I told her I am not making her leave. That I understand she needs space, and its her decision to leave if she wants that. As expected, she was not happy. She was upset I changed my mind. I never did say I could stay at my brother's. I said I would talk to him and it would probably be okay. I should have left out it would "probably be okay". I had a weak moment when she was opening up to me. It still hurts to see her sad. We have not talked since then so she assumed that was the plan.
She ended up leaving abruptly while fighting back tears. I have not seen that before, and it took a lot to not try and stop here. I stayed calm throughout the conversation. I'll admit I am nervous about where this will go. I was doing my best to be friendly through all of this. I just feel staying in the house is best for me. Seeing her hurt makes me second guess that and I know I can't do that.
Tough 24 hours for me. I could use some support from the amazing people on this board. Thanks.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I think you did the right thing. After all, why should YOU be the one to leave when you don't want all this? Maybe she'll secretly gain a little respect for you because of it.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
You have to stop reacting to "seeing her hurt". She's not a kid you're protecting. She has to live her live and make her choices, and you don't have to like all of them and you don't get to protect her from feeling any of her feelings. She is wanting to be separate from you, so it's understandable if she communicates to you that she's frustrated or sad or mad about your decision to stay. You could validate that if she seeks you out to communicate that to you.
But you have a legitimate reason to be in your own home, and many people going through this find a way to carve out the space that they need from each other within the same home.
You have your own hurt to deal with, don't take responsibility for hers too. Respect that this is probably hard and painful for her too. There was probably a long road that led to here or she wouldn't be making the decisions she's making. I think the goal is to feel empathy and compassion, but not responsibility, for her feelings.
You post sounded like you have a pretty good grip on your emotions. Be sure you take the time to feel them too, when you're not around her. Take care,
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
