Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Betsey-
Not to be crude, but hell, no. I just end up making myself crazy. I feel like a dog chasing its tail sometimes.
Lol - thanks, I'm really working hard at the validation.
I'm starting to get the game-show host - now to put him on speed...hmmm.
Lol,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay- After almost six months of staying out of his stuff, I checked my H's e-mail.
Didn't find anything really current, but I did find he had posted a profile on an adult website - looking for sex. The profile was posted back in August. Here's the question - do I say anything to him aboutit, on the offchance he might have actually slept with somebody on the site, or do I just keep my mouth shut? I noticed the site on his computer history the other day, but the e-mail he created for the hoochienet was inactive. I am a little afraid of STD's and the like. Do I calmly say something, or just let him move back in and act like nothing happened?
Any thoughts are HUGELY appreciated,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Well, I handled it. I went and collected him from his shop to go out for lunch, and I calmly brought up that I'd seen it, and that it was really important to me that I not introduce any more drama into my life. I said that if this was something he thought might happen after he got home, then we need to go ahead and file the documents for legal separation. I didn't yell; I didn't go psycho. I just told him how I felt - and I told him what I did. He wasn't angry - he came and hung out at the house for awhile and snuggled with me. And he listened to me, and just let me talk. I told him I realized it wasn't an ongoing thing, but I just didn't want to go back to where we were. Sorry, no Bob in evidence here.
Surprisingly, his move-in is still a go!
I'm lucky he's trying as hard as I am right now.
Sigh of relief,
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

good for you. Sometimes guys go to those sites to try to get some pics of naked women. It may be nothing - except for the snooping you handled it well.

I'm having a rough day.

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Bob had and has no place in a discussion like yours.

Was your H receptive to your concerns? Any promises made to get his profile off the sex site?

Hugs to you. And good for you for not going ballistic on him. You may not like his choices, but the only way he's going to feel comfortable telling you things (with honesty and full disclosure) is if you make it possible... that is, no yelling or tantrums.

Good progress.

Bets

[ObiWan]

come to the chat if you wanna talk you need a yahoo (free) id web page

[Lyrael]

Bets-
Yes, I specifically asked that he delete his entire account on the site, and he stated thought he thought he had (which I do believe - there was no recent activity on the account). You know, you're right - my entire response has been completely different than it would have been six months ago.
I am a little less sure of him moving in, because instead of seeing the guy I was really developing trust and new emotional bonds with, I suddenly see the a*hole that cheated on me, lied to me, and walked out the door.
Here's his profile, if anyone's curious - it was titled "Alexythemia"
no word for feelings" thats what the title means...I'm not certain it applies, I think no time for feelings would be more accurate. I have a busy life, that is becoming increasingly more hectic, leaving little time for my personal life. I own a business that requires the majority of my attention, and I am working on a degree in art. This isnt much of a "what i like or dislike" thing now is it? I like a good deal more than I dislike...but I abhor racism and bigotry, I cannot stand people that are cruel without provocation, and a closed mind will get you nowhere with me! Im actually a pretty funny person, not that you could ever tell from this statement.



Ideal Person: creative,fun,open-minded,witty,active,&q uot;insert positive adjective here"...sounds like a shopping list. I am not looking for someone who will give me their heart and soul, as I dont feel like I deserve so much of any one person. I want someone to spend my downtime with, someone that can deal with a guy who is not afraid to say pretty much anything he thinks, someone open to new expieriences both within and without their body.

He also posted on his profile
that he was looking for women who wanted kinky stuff - that's VERY out of character, so I don't know if that's actually what he wants (I dunno - I am pretty open to anything that way) or if he was just doing a "f*** it all" kind of thing - I posted an online personals ad about the same time. But NOT on a kinky site like that. Okay - this feels like a bomb - I didn't know about it, no matte how long ago it was - I am kind of hurt and angry - is that okay as long as I don't freak out on him?
Should I tell him not to come home yet?
*sigh*
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay, well -
he came home last night - his stuff isn't all here yet, so I don't really feel like he's living there yet - more just visiting. We went grocery shopping together, came home, put S to bed, and hung out and watched The Surreal Life (we think it's really funny - tasteless, but funny).
I thought there wouldn't be any R talk, but there was a bit. We were kind of watching TV, and a preview for 7th Heaven came on (I occasionalyl watch it), andI remarked that one of the main characters left her husband because he dropped out of medical school. H said "How do people just leave?"
WTF? Where was he six months ago when he walked out the door and said "I want a divorce, I can't stand you, you make me feel crazy..."
I said "But you did kind of just leave."
H: "I didn't ever really leave. I moved out to give us both some space, because we were about to kill each other."
I let it drop here, but this is NOT how he presented the sitch to me six months ago - and conveniently dropped from this little take on it was any mention of the little hoochie. I didn't throw a fit, and I didn't prusue it any further, but I find it interesting that this is how he perceives the sitch - I guess in his mind he sparates the moving out and the affair - the A as something that was wrong (he's never denied that), and the S as something he did for us, with no real intention of ever divorcing me?
Oh, hell - who cares - I'll let him look at it that way. It did turn out to be good for us, and it did give us some much-needed space. If nothing else, it tells me that he views this as a long-term commitment, and not soemthing that's just going to disappear at any moment.
Wish he'd let me in on this - I still remember the phone call to me at the hospital where he said "You're there because we're getting a divorce and you can't accept that." I was actually there because I was being HUGELY overmedicated and misdiagnosed, and it probably contributed to my out-of-control behavior/crazymaking/etc. Bleagh - interesting how the WAS mind works, isn't it?
Befuddled and Bamboozled,
Myrrh

[TripleJ]

Hi Myrrh,

This is the first time I'm posting to you but I have followed you on UD's and meredith's threads.

Being the WA in my sitch at first, I fully understand the feelings you are going through. I too "just left" in her mind, but that is not what my intentions were. I too wanted to give our M the space it needed because were ready to battle like never before. The trouble is, I never communicated it properly to my W why I left, until a few weeks after I left. This is MY mistake.

So, she has her version of why I left and I have mine. Two totally different views that I think will never waver. She will always believe that the reason why I left is "just because". In order for me to move on and try to gain her trust back that I would not leave again, I have to accept what she thinks. And one day, she will accept my version.

I am not saying that she or I will change our minds about the other's version, but I am saying that okay, I'll accept your reasoning and lets build on what we have now.

I really hope this is what you can do. He is home now. It doesn't feel like it and probably won't for a bit. Accept the fact that he has his views and then move on. Build on what you have right now. Take it slow, easy and just keep DBing.

Forgiveness is hard and there has been alot of hurt involved in your sitch. You have a chance to build on a R that can last with a lot of hard, hard work. Just keep the DB path and I'm sure you will go far.

Congrats on him coming home. Now go out and build that trusting R you deserve!

Triple J

[Lyrael]

TripleJ-
That post did wonders for my pma, so thank you. I am not quite so far that I think he left "just because." My behavior and lack of self-control had alot to do with it. I'm actually glad I know what happened on my end. Truthfully (although I might never admit it aloud) I think he did the right thing for us at the time. I wish I had been calmer in those first weeks, and given him more space - but no sense in living in the past.
Thank you for the reassurance that it's going to feel weird for awhile. Actually, hearing that it's not all wine and roses when the WAS comes home is going to help me remember to keep DB'ing, and to keep up my PMA.
I keep telling myself "I can do this" and "Think solutions, not problems."
Okay - now exit stage left to update myself on your sitch and thread.
(((((((((TripleJ))))))))
You really made my day!
Myrrh