Not confused...looking inward

[Portia]

Mlcers tend to wear masks. The happy or all's well in the world masks are worn around outsiders. But, it takes a lot of effort and energy to wear them all of the time.

When it comes to the lbs, they may wear the happy mask for a while, but eventually the mask becomes too heavy and the burden of trying to stay that way wears them down and that's when the lbs begins to see the other side of the mirror image. We are the "safe" ones that they can actually be themselves for the moment.

.....When you can step back and watch the various masks or personalities take place it can become most interesting because it's really not about the lbs at all, but about them and trying to justify their lives as they are now.

B, I think we all wear masks to a certain extent. For example, while my office was aware of my parent's illness no one at the time was aware of my relationship disintegrating. Maybe I was able to mask one with the other, but at work I "acted as if" nothing was wrong.

The MLCers masks, from what I have seen from my xSO is that he does wear it for everyone else. I often wonder if he confides in his GF but somehow, I do not think so. With me, though, ever since on some level he realizes that he hurt me, he wears the sad mask or is it him? I don't trust him, so it may be truly what he is feeling or he does it to play on my sympathies. The big clue is that only I (the LBS) is treated this way. Not even other acquaintances. The wrong kind of special treatment, in my book!

Sigh. But it does not make this any easier nor does it comfort me to know that I am getting the very short straw here. Luckily, I only need a short straw for a cocktail!

[BRNR]

So, some reflection on my sitch this morning. BTW, thanks all for the comments/insight regarding mask/behavior.

So, reflection time...maybe that is not the right word, but anyhoo.

Entitlement - I find it very interesting and funny to some degree that our spouses have this entitlement factor on everything...especially when they haven't honored any entitlements us LBS should have.

For example - My H this morning asked me for something that is rightfully mine as well. Now I don't want it, but it is my right to retain it. What furthers this is that H has gone "dark" on all his obligations to me and the boys as if we are not entitled to anything, but would dare ask me for something. Ha! I had to laugh (to myself of course). Also funny is how OW is entitled to these things when I am rightfully (and legally) entitled. Bah hah ha!

Okay, talking to a friend yesterday about what happened the other morning with the kids. Started talking about if H comes back the relationship would have to be a new one. I told him I knew that. To further the matters, we talked about his sitch with his XW. Soooo many things he has told me in the past seem as if she is/was in MLC. All the way up to recently, which it seems that her new beau is a very similar guy to my friend, in many ways...ie looks, personality, morals, responsibility. I told him in my opinion, had he been available now (he got remarried a few years ago) she would probably would have come back around. He agreed and said she has softened towards him and invited him to a lot more things in the past 6 months....up to and including a lunch alone, where they discussed some history. Funny...and no, I never mentioned the idea of MLC, but knew.

Expectations - I am really trying hard to eliminate these from my mind. My expectations of H "waking up" and coming home to his family is so strong. This is really the only one I have. That he will wake up, think what have I done, and beg to come home and be with us. I do have another one, but it leans more in the opposite direction...the only thing that holds H accountable and local is his apartment that he got that is about 5 minutes from us. I expect that once his lease is up, he will flee for good and really abandon my children (and me) of course.

I see no matter how much I do right, that I really have no control over what happens...and I am sitting here with the expectation that if I DB perfectly that things will work out the way I want. Svcks really, and I am slowly trying to get out of this mind set.

I miss my old H, sometimes too much I feel. This man is no where in sight anymore, and I feel he never will be. I guess maybe because he seems to be in a "calm" right now with the way things are. Not to mention comfortable and happy. I don't know how to keep myself from feeling this way. Is it possible he is and has what he wants and needs. I am thinking yes, but my heart is wishing no, is that wrong?

So, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Mixed feelings, ups and downs, and without someone to share all aspects of my life with. I am a great woman who deserves much more than that. Why can't I just accept that he is not the man for me anymore? Why am I stuck? What can I do to get out of this? I believe in the physical sense I have let him go, mentally maybe as well. My heart is what longs for him.

Snodderly/AJ - You guys had a one time seen hope in my sitch. More than I ever saw really. Do you still see that, or is it time that I really pack up my losses and move on? I know you guys don't have a crystal ball, but what is your take on where I am at in my sicth. Is no movement, or movement of seperating even further a good/bad sign. You guys have seen enough of this to have a valuable opinion. I guess maybe because I have lost hope, I am trying to see if anyone sees anything that I am not seeing that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up. Anyone can comment really.

[job]

BRNR,
I had to shake my head over your h asking for something from you while he is out on the street. I would tend not to give him anything until he coughed up the funds for his obligations to his children. But, that's just me.

If he's living w/the ow or has a place of his own and she's coming around, he should be able to go out and purchase items for his own place. After all, he walked out and wanted his freedom to do whatever. This is where they have to learn how to live on their own w/o "mom" being there to take care of everything. It's like when a child threatens to runaway and then goes outside and hides in a tent. They soon learn that all of those frills at home were actually quite good and come back inside. Your h needs to come to that realization at well.

I will caution you on this...if you opt to give him the item, it will open the door for him to continue requesting things from the home. The question is...do you want to set the boundary now or wait until all of the cows have gotten out the barn? By setting a boundary doesn't mean you are destroying your changes of reconciling, it's letting him know that you aren't a fool and some day, he will respect you for that decision.

I still have hope for your situation, but I still wouldn't sit around and wait on him. I would continue on w/my life and enjoy the time you spend w/your children. You can move forward and enjoy life and still leave the door ajar. You will know if and when you are ready to call it quits.

[BRNR]

I would tend not to give him anything until he coughed up the funds for his obligations to his children. But, that's just me.

I have already come to this determination that I am not. He has actually asked for other things before and I haven't. Keys to the house, pictures, tax returns, money he feel he is owed, keys to his car (which we jointly own), etc, etc...I haven't given him not a one, and I will continue to ignore his request for things. The way I see it, once we are divorced, then he can have those things should it be part of the settlement at that time. SMH.

If he's living w/the ow or has a place of his own and she's coming around, he should be able to go out and purchase items for his own place. After all, he walked out and wanted his freedom to do whatever. This is where they have to learn how to live on their own w/o "mom" being there to take care of everything. It's like when a child threatens to runaway and then goes outside and hides in a tent. They soon learn that all of those frills at home were actually quite good and come back inside. Your h needs to come to that realization at well.

I agree. Why ask me? Go ask your new "love". I don't say it, but think often. I sometimes take it as a good sign, but then I shake myself and say NO...it is all BAD, BAD, BAD, and self entitlement BS.

I still have hope for your situation, but I still wouldn't sit around and wait on him. I would continue on w/my life and enjoy the time you spend w/your children. You can move forward and enjoy life and still leave the door ajar. You will know if and when you are ready to call it quits.

Snodderly Thank you. I don't feel like I am waiting in the physical sense, maybe more my heart though. I have no interest in men, even though I have been approached. I hope this will change at some point. And I do hope that I will "know"...I can't see that right now. I am really trying to be done to prevent further hurt to me. Sometimes it sticks, but sometimes it doesn't.

[BRNR]

Snodderly, and anyone who wants to comment...

Am I being silly, I just had a thought that I can't shake. Some perspective would be nice.

I am thinking H is not in MLC. I think he was going through the motions of a break up and now that he is a little further, is starting to be comfortable with his decision.

We all also know that I know that H is having the ongoing affair, to which he knows I know about also. He is starting to make the affair public to his new friends. He has moved out. We have separated finances for the most part, and to top it off, he has started to try to blend families, by introduction of the kids, with OW.

He has explicitly said he doesn't want to work on the marriage, has expressed his intent in various ways to move forward with his life without me in it.

Am I being silly?

The only thing this man has not done is file for the divorce. That does not give me any hope that he would want to reconcile. I am starting to feel that I am the back up plan should things not work out with OW. I don't want to be that!

What am I holding onto? My love for him? That does not a marriage make. Am I indeed being taken for the fool here?

I think I need a swift kick in the pants...someone?!?! advice?

[Raine]

We don't really know if it's MLC until the journey is complete. I feel like my H is because he did so many 180s. He abandoned and neglected the kids, he dropped church, dropped and ignored his friends, multiple affairs, new friends, new activities, massive depression, etc. There are just too many things that happened for me to feel this was about him having issues with me or the marriage. But even then, it's possible this is who he is. It's possible he has had a secret life for the past 13 yrs and just hiding it from me until he didn't want to hide it anymore and he doesn't want to be responsible or tied to anything.

[job]

Well, I can say for sure that your h has done a number of the things that my xh did. My xh was sure he didn't want to work on the marriage and wasn't going to file until I stop all of the crazy going back and forth about what he wanted. Once I instructed my lawyer we were not proceeding after 2 1/2 yrs, he then stepped up to the plate.

I would say that your h, for your description, is in mlc, but like Raine pointed out, we won't truly know until his journey has been completed and see what has baked up in the oven.

BTW, you aren't being silly, but I do think you are over analyzing him too much and it's got your brain working in over drive.

[BRNR]

BTW, you aren't being silly, but I do think you are over analyzing him too much and it's got your brain working in over drive.

Yeah...you hit the nail on the head. Not sure I am analyzing him, more so trying to justify the overall sitch and what MY next step should be.

Over Drive, Panic, frustration...call it whatever I gotta get out of it.

Thank you though for the advice...yes, no one nows what this journey is for them...but I need to stay my course (at least for now until I am sure).

[Portia]

Hey B,

You know I have your back - and that we feel things in a very similar way.

Am I being silly?

The only thing this man has not done is file for the divorce. That does not give me any hope that he would want to reconcile. I am starting to feel that I am the back up plan should things not work out with OW. I don't want to be that!

What am I holding onto? My love for him? That does not a marriage make. Am I indeed being taken for the fool here?

Not sure I am analyzing him, more so trying to justify the overall sitch and what MY next step should be.

I feel the same. At what point do I accept the facts as they are right now and go on as if he is not coming back or go on my own direction because I believe he is not coming back. ( I hope that made sense) I think those two things are different.

We have to accept reality as it is right now. The FACTS for you: your H is living in his own apartment, seeing an OW, barely contacting the kids and seems can hardly be civil to you.

The other fact is: things change. Sometimes in a heartbeat.

What I have found is that when I focus on me - not long term plans, but what is it I need to do for me today? - it helps. What would I be doing if he really was not coming back? I try not to concentrate on feelings but what would I be doing - action. I am not ready to date, so I would not be looking for a relationship. My spare room needs cleaning, so I will do that.

If there was some chant that I could do for you, B, I would. But that is the most humbling thing of all - just like a force of nature, there is nothing you can do to him or with him to make him come back.

You are not a fool at all. Your are someone who was left reeling for solid ground after an explosion. There is nothing wrong with keeping your boundaries and acting with kindness even if he cannot manage it.

Take care of you.

[BRNR]

Oh my gosh!. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I almost peed my pants.

Okay, not really a funny story, but I got a good laugh from it.

Tonight S14 had a ceremony that he had to go to. H's night so H's responsibility to take him...apparently h thought that meant I wasn't going...but of course I was...it is my son, duh.

Well he came to get boys late, and while we were in the driveway headed out I asked H if I could sit with them, if he didn't mind. He said "sure" like something was "up". So I head out in my vehicle while H and boys got in his vehicle. So I get there just right behind H. The whole time I am watching him look around, like he was looking for someone. So I see him sit down, and immediately follow and sit with s10 and H. So the whole time H is frantically texting and looking around, texting, looking around,more texting. Well I caught a glimpse of who he was texting, yep OW. Lol. Well all of a sudden H excuses himself, gone for about ten minutes, and comes back. I didn't ask, didn't care quite frankly. So he comes back, a little talkative to me, and then politely says "thank you". I ask why, and he says he had to take that call that came through as it was work related...funny thing was H's phone never rang...lol. Not sure why h even gave me an explanation, but his lips were moving voluntarily....lies! So H talks a little bit socially to me and I notice relief on his face a little until.....yep more text messages. Finally he decides that they need to leave as son got his award and I gently tell him that everyone was asked to stay to the end...so more texting. He gave me an excuse that he still had to cook and I kindly offered to drop the boys off at his place if he wanted to go get started. His response, nope that's okay, I'll stay. So more texting and H getting more flustered by the minute and then I saw OW name again on his phone. Haha!

Seems they (h and ow) had a texting "disagreement". My suspicions are that she was going to show at this ceremony and he told her not to because I was there. She probably came and he went outside to tell her to go, and then she got mad because he couldn't leave. If that wasn't the case, then it is the story I am going with, because it made me feel laugh thinking things didn't go according to H's plan.

I will say this, whomever he was texting, whether it was ow or more people, they got H worked up something serious. A lot of angry moans and rubbing his face and head. All I know is that he seemed "fine" sitting there talking to me.

As a side note, I saw a different side when it came to S10. Seems my H can't handle the little guy anymore and was getting quite frustrated with him tonight. I didn't like it, but didn't interfere with them either. S10 even told me how H was being "unreasonable" when he stepped outside...okay, he said he was being stupid. I asked why and he just stated that he wouldn't let him draw something on the back of the program.

So, this night was needed for me to see a glimpse of H. And man, when I say he was not himself, the calm cucumber that I knew him to be, he was not himself. In fact he was probably about four versions of himself....

Okay, I am a believer. If it isn't MLC, then it some serious personality disorder, but none of which have to do with me and our marriage.