Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

Fighting the needy monster in me today. It craves affection. Spending some time trying to refocus on me and fill the need myself.

your W makes it difficult, i would imagine that her "check-ins" make it harder to turn your focus away from her and your M...and present a diversion from sitting in and focusing on your feelings... did that happen a lot during the M? if so, what can it teach you?

I think the "check-ins" do make it more difficult to not only focus on myself but detach as well. I've been examining it and in our M my W was never needy. She has been since I started DB'ing in April and went dark on her. I see it as cake-eating. Like a child. "I want to go play" with this other person but I want to make sure your not going anywhere. That's kind of how it's felt especially recently since she's been more open and loving with me but still refusing to commit fully to the M or the A. I struggle with this. It's one of the things that keeps me continually trying to "set a deadline" or "I'm done" protective bubbling in my thoughts. The indecisiveness and lack of choice are not ok with me and I have a growing resentment for it. I can feel it.

look under that fear about wasting time... where else does that pop up in your life and what else is wrapped up in it?

Wasting time. Truly a fear. I am afraid that my entire M was a waste of my time. I am afraid that I chose the wrong person. I am afraid as I approach my 40th birthday that I am running out of time because my life is half over, she is going to leave me and I never saw it coming. I am afraid if my M ends, of starting new with someone else, choosing "wrong" again and feeling this pain again later in my life and wasting even more time on another relationship. I'm afraid that if I choose to be alone in order to spare myself this type of possible pain again that I will reach the end of my life and regret never having felt love again... and wasted time being alone out of fear.

Vicious circle of thought.

PONDERING: I am asking myself after an email I received from an alternate website with an article on grieving timelines...Do I spend enough time grieving? I still feel the pain of the betrayal. I supress mind movies now and then. Memory pain triggers surprise me sometimes. One did today. Am I spending enough time in the quiet, alone and grieving? Am I waiting for the end of limbo to go to certain depths because I feel like I need a path to dive into? Alone or as a Marriage?

AN UPDATE: My W and I spoke briefly today about finances. Pleasant convo. She told me she loved me I responded the same. Later we had a text between us, also pleasant. Space between us. My feelings are hurt that she spent a week with the AP. I want her to want to spend a week with me. Then I realize... she did... just before she went to the AP. The AP was mad about it. She probably demanded her week too.