Been doing some thinking this morning. I guess it's more of a synthesis of ideas, observations, advice from you guys, and things that she has said/done.
Net net? (and this will me a major "well nooooo sh*t!" from 25 and many others) - I think that deciding to move back in full time was pre-mature. Two things happened: 1.) I got carried away in the sense of happiness of having my family back full time, and 2.) She really wanted to be back and try to get things back on track.
What I think I ("we", really) didn't account for was the fact that the reestablishment of trust, love and commitment is a gradual process. To assume that we could just go full speed ahead after what we had been through was probably foolish.
Not enough time as a "couple" had passed to really get to find a good footing upon which to build. I think the BASIC elements may be there....maybe....but I think we were basically putting frosting on cake batter before it had been in the oven long enough to become a cake. In other words, we need or needed to keep baking a bit.
Having had a few days to wrap my brain around this, I guess it stands to logic that as she was set to move 100% out of her place and back to ours in 20 days cold feet would set in because not enough time had really gone by to get comfortable and establish a day-to-day trust that there had been change....that BOTH of us were willing to work at making the change last (yes, she has a ways to go), and that she was...well...basically "safe" together in our home again. And if she DID commit to moving in and things went to hell again, then where would she go? Through her eyes I can see and understand the fear of being trapped in a relationship like our old one again after all that we had been through.
Perhaps that is why she said was always so complementary of me, embraced and acknowledged my changes, became intimate again, and started to make future plans. She was maybe GETTING comfortable and establishing trust, but not at a point where she felt comfortable giving up 100% of her independence to dive back into living together full time again. Hence she said "my feelings aren't exactly where I expected or wanted them to be by now".
Maybe what I simply don't know (or possibly understand fully) is that trust, an open heart and affection for a woman that has been hurt by someone (namely me) is a long road back.
I try not to look past the progress that we have made so far (the often forgot "look down the mountain") and there has been a lot...a helluva lot....but still more to go. And, candidly, I think that since she is turning 40 next month and we still have our frozen embryo she is afraid that her window is closing. I think that, too, might have pushed us to move too fast.
As she spends her time with her fam back in Iowa and I kind of gather myself here, I hope that maybe we are coming to the same conclusions. I guess I can only pray for that.
Maybe it's too late and our rash decision has imploded our chance of reconciling, but I would be happy just calling her my girlfriend and and keep separate places right now. Maybe spending a few days together during the week and weekends. Honestly, that is what we should have been doing all along.
No idea what is going to happen. She is communicating a little while away - guess that ain't all bad.
Does anything I said above make sense? Am I making excuses? Am I just stroking my own feelings in an attempt to foster hope?
