I think I know where you're going with that, LA.....but, let me rephrase.....there is "nothing I will personally get out of it"....in other words, it doesn't mean much to me either way. By saying "this day is worth remembering" won't give me a feeling of satisfaction or a sense of honor. I hope that makes sense.
Good grief SP, to me it's worse b/c the self centered nature of your comment has been pointed out to you, but you don't care. It's still not sufficiently bothersome to you to correct.
Since you won't be seen as honorable for doing it, it's not worth it.
Which means you were never doing it BECAUSE it was the kind or honorable thing but b/c you wanted to be SEEN as honorable.
SIGH...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It makes sense that something like this isn't the biggest deal in the world. I doubt it will be a deal changer to anything, especially something that no longer really exists (the marriage). However, remembering our anniversary was an issue last year, I recall. I waited too long before ordering a gift for wife and it wasn't here in time. I remember she was hurt by that. She was also hurt that I didn't make dinner plans.
You "remember" but...you did nothing about it?? She felt hurt but, hey, so what? You waited too long and at the last minute ordered something so it was not there in time. Hey, Your anniversary is the same date every year, right?
Did you actually forget or were you scorekeeping and wanting HER to do more for YOU? I mean, I don't see how you can defend this...but you are!
I consulted her about dinner, because I figured it was OUR anniversary, and she didn't like that for some reason or other. I guess, (...mind reading) that she wanted me to have a gift, make the plans and follow through, even though that should not have been MY job. Wow...I'm nearly speechless. You say you want to change but you write stuff like this and it's amazing to me that being a LOVING GIVING MAN is not your "job"...why not?
B/C it means she'll "win"?
The scorecard will have you giving more? Gee, if you insist on scorekeeping, why isn't that where you'd WANT "more points"? Seems to me you want the score to be what YOU GET, and not what you give.
My brother in law just surprised my sister for their 20th anniversary with a weeklong trip to New England, checking off two places on her "bucket list".
He planned the whole thing and packed for her and got his parents to come and watch their youngest.
OMG! OH NO! I don't think SHE has done that for HIM...so next year, he better do nothing, and sulk, and that'll show her...
I guess we were just different in that way. With that said, there is nothing I can do to fix the past. This is where we are now. It is an unfortunate place.
how are you treating this time any differently? I mean, I can see why you'd do nothing for it, there ARE reasons... but it's not for the reasons YOU cited.
You are choosing to do nothing b/c you won't get credit for it. That means to me you are a lot like you were a year ago.
And the problem is that you still see nothing off base or selfish about your behavior in the past...I mean, do you see how you sound about last year?
"we're just different that way"...Um, yeah, she wanted you to show her love, and use the anniversary as a symbolic time for that.
But instead You showed her how low her happiness was on your priority list.
and you are completely unaware of anything about that which is Unloving. OR so you say.
You were measuring then, as you measure now.
I still don't get why or how we ended up here, but here we are. Really SP? You don't see "why or how"? At all? Dig deeper
It has been over 8 mo. and I don't see any hope for our marriage in the future. She is just gaining distance from me, while I am wasting time worrying if she will ever come back. She probably won't. For all intents and purposes, she is already gone. She has been since day 1. She hasn't checked back in or looked over her shoulder ONCE she the day she left. I call BS to that^^. At best it's mind reading negatively, again.
And it's a great excuse not to bother trying, although you CLAIM to want to be a better man. You WANT to be a man only a fool would leave....But if there is no reward for it, then "Why bother?" You are still Missing the point!
Your changes are evidently superficial and or, unreal. MY mind reading says, She sees that.
I realize that on so many levels, but it just hasn't sunk in to my heart. I mean here I am at 4:30am AGAIN, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about my failed marriage. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try. define "trying". How do you "try hard" to change? Or let go? What is it, that you are doing that indicates a NEW way of thinking or "trying"? Trying is much more than wishing.
And, at this point, I really REALLY want to let go. I honestly do. I wish I could just put it all behind me and move on, but I can't. It is so frusturating. I keep having thoughts about how I can force a conclusion, which is stupid...but I keep thinking about it.
IT's the thinking about "IT" and not YOU, & YOUR need for change,
and NOT doing anything differently, that keeps you stuck.
I just can't deal with seeing her moving on with her life and treating me and our marriage as if it was "just a thing", no big deal. We no longer talk. Seeing her moving on is one thing, and that's all about your ego keeping score.
It's as If her being happy, takes something away FROM you.
So you must be the "loser" in the contest of life. THAT is False negative thinking and it's going to stop you from real happiness every time. There will always be someone "ahead" of you if that is how you view life.
The pretense that she is treating the marriage "as no big deal" is all you negatively projecting again, & demonizing her, AND mind reading again. How's that working for you?
My opinion is that she has been mourning the loss of this marriage AS IT WAS HAPPENING, (*you know, like on last year's anniversary...)
whereas you are mourning it now that it's ending.
We no longer interact with each other. Daugther is obviously still confused and hurting to some degree or other. Now she has a new "guy friend" of her moms and a whole new circle of people to be with. It has to be confusing to her. Plus, W and I haven't been in the same room with each other for more than 3 minutes, in Months. How can I keep holding onto some thing that isn't even there? WHAT is holding me in this pattern? I just want the hurt, the confusion, the pain to stop. How do I make that happen? I don't want this anymore!
Sorry....it's late (or early), and I am rambling. Just not a good night. Thanks for listening.
You know what to do. But you don't like it. You resist it mightily.
Your pride, selective memory, biased scorekeeping, and negative programming are so engrained, I don't see you being able to change this life pattern
without changing how you view things,
which means a major paradigm shift. I'd love to help you get there,
and that's all I got.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't have any long term goals at the moment. I can't think ahead more than the present, for the most part. I still have a hard time envisioning my life in the future or how that will even look.
When I reflect back 8 mo. ago, I realize that I wasn't happy in my relationship. That is not to say that I wasn't happy WITH my relationship. I love my wife with all my heart. Until BD, I didn't even realize to what extent or how deeply my love went. With that being said, I have always loved being a husband and a father. I love house and home. I love togetherness. I loved all of that. I was proud of my life.....but it needed work. I see that now.
Short term, I wish to be more active in "fun" activities. Wife constantly complained about my reluctance to do fun stuff, to go out, to party, to vacation. To be honest, her perspective is a little off base because we DID do a lot of fun stuff, about as much as the average couple. However, she always wanted more, where as I was becoming more and more inclined to focus on our home and our work. I thought I was just becoming more responsible, but I see now that I do need to be more involved in the fun stuff on a daily basis. I need to learn how to enjoy myself more and socialize. I need to get out there. Wife would have KILLED to have me say that in years past. Now, here I am becoming the man she always wanted, not for her, but for myself. I haven't lost focus on WHO I am DBing for. However, it does pain me to know that she is no longer a party to the marriage and will probably never be able to enjoy it with me. It makes me sad. Actually, it breaks my heart. You all know that pain...of course you do, or we wouldn't be here.
As far as who I want to be, I think I was that guy. Well, pretty close. I needed a little fine tuning (as you all know), but I really liked who I was, or at least how I was living. I had a beautiful wife, wonderful daughter, people who I thought cared about me, our home is gorgous, we had great friends, plenty of free time. What wasn't to like about that aspect. Granted, I would have liked to have had better communication in my marriage and been more skilled at expressing love and compassion. I am getting there. I still need lots of work, but I am fairly close (personally) to who I really wish to be. Well, I really need to lose a few pounds, but for the most part it is everything around me that seems to be going sideways. That is what I don't like. I just don't know how to change it. On one hand I can't see ever letting go of my love for my wife. At the same time, I try to picture moving on with someone else. I just CAN'T see it. How would I ever be able to fully give myself to someone else whe I have this huge part of my heart that already belongs to wife? I know it happens and it probably will for me too. I hate being alone, and I hate being in this limbo. Wife has moved forward with exacting plans on how she wanted this to work. She knew exactly how she wanted to go. She went after it, and she is moving on. I wish I could do the same...somehow... with her or without her. I just can't. It's been 8 months, and I can still cry about it today, actual tears. When does that stop? How do you ever make that go away? Those are the things I am struggling with. Just when I feel like I am starting to turn a corner, BAM, I am right back at square one. That is where I am today. It is so frusturating!
I was searching for a great gift for weeks prior to our anniversary. I ordered it, in what I thought, was well in advance. It showed up several days late. True, I could have been looking and ordering much much farther in advance, but it was not something I intentionally did wrong or was neglegent in. It happened. It sucked. I own it.
In regards to making all of the plans, I felt I was being a loving caring husband. I thought by INCLUDING my wife in the plan making, it would allow her to chose a portion of how we celebrated. perhaps I was wrong, but I still don't understand HOW? I mean is it honestly more loving and caring to make plans without the consideration or input from your spouse? Explain that to me.
As far as me seeking "credit" for this upcoming anniversary, that has never been my goal either. The way I am looking at it is, if she is involved in other activities, with other people and does not wish to engage me, then why would I suspect she wants a anniversary message from ME? I am not mind reading. That is literally the path she has taken. She has completely shut me out and distanced herself socially and personally towards me. She has verbalized it, 25. I thought maybe I was being "loving and caring" by simply letting her go live her life and not bother her with MY feelings or expressions. You see it differently and you mind read yourself and paint this picture. That's not fair!
In regards to me not understanding how we got here with our marriage, you took it out of context. I KNOW we had problems. I have admitted them. I have owned them. I know I wasn't perfect, nor was she. We didn't have the "ultimate marriage", of course we didn't. However, the extent our problems were, at least to me, reconcilable. I cannot understand how our lives together ended on such a note with so little effort. Personally, (and actually my counselor, pastor, friends, family and even my attorney) feel that our issues were 100% completely fixable. Our MC quoted this during our initial visit; "you two only have micro movements to make in order to get back on track". Our issues should not have been a death sentence to a 12 year realtionship with a 6 year old child. THAT is what I have a hard time understanding. That is what I have a hard time accepting.
What am I doing wrong 25? I really want to know. I mean I am working on the issues that I "think" I need to work on, but you keep pointing out that I am not getting there. You keep saying that I haven't changed, or my changes aren't true or that they are superficial. Trust me, that is NOT what I want to work towards. I just don't know how to act, I guess. I feel differently. I process differently. I know that for sure. I feel like I am becoming a better person. BUT, how do I become a husband only a fool would leave? How do I express that? How do I make that part of a relationship that is no longer open to me? I am giving my wife space. I am not lashing out on emotion. I am not judging her or trying to manipulate her. I am upbeat and friendly. I am readily helpful when asked. I don't argue. I am more active socially. These are all of the 180's she has complained about. So what else do I need to work on? Seeing things in a negative light is something I know needs attention. I am focusing on that, but what else? What am I doing so wrong?
How EXACTLY should I be dealing with this anniversary? I asked the question because I didn't know. I got answers from both sides of the spectrum, from "do nothing" to give "flowers". I was also told to do what I think is right. I really thought about it, and well I don't know what it right. That is why I asked. TBH, I think just me asking for input about such a thing is somewhat loving and caring. I obviously care. I want to do what is best for all parties involved. I just obviously don't know what is right or I wouldn't be on Divorce busters trying to figure my life out in the first place. I am just confused.
Hi, It is difficult to get exact answers, not knowing all the details of the realtionship and even then, it would be extremely beneficial to have professional guidance. If you aren't working with a DB coach, then I highly suggest you do. You then have someone in your court, guiding you as to what to say and do that is most likely to bring her closer. When you let your coach what kind of response you then get, they help you fine tune your approach. I would be happy to talk to you further. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thanks karen, I have spoke with Chuck several times. During out last 2 conversations, he didn't have much for me other than to stay the course towards friendhsip.....that fizzled.
I have been biting my tongue about something for a while with wife. Today when I picked up daughter I let it out. I asked her why she hasn't told me she was dating. This is something we discussed being very open about, previously. She said she saw no reason for telling me. I said that was fine and I understood her reasoning. I validated her and gave her some words of affirmation by saying "any guy in the world would be happy to have you on his arm. make sure you choose the very best. you deserve it".
From that point it got shakey via text. She asked how I knew, and it opned up a small can of worms...or maybe it didn't. I don't know. I told her I knew from a friend of ours telling me, the same friend that set them up and lied to me that she didn't. This is the same friend from my previous posts that is a compulsive liar and sneak. I keep calling her friend, but she is no friend of mine. She has however become W's new BFF. I told wife to just be guarded around her and that she hasn't changed her spots, which she hasn't. She has thrown wife under the bus on several occasions, even flaking out on our wedding (she was supposed to be a bridesmaid).
Now, this is probably a conversation I SHOULD have avoided, but I had it. I don't have regrets about it. It's the truth. I ended by telling wife "I wasn't trying to pry. It's no big deal. I want you to be happy with whoever you choose to be with. I really and truly do. I wish I would have realized how you deserve to be treated when I had the chance". We closed shortly after with talk about the house and her saying, thank you.
Not sure what to make of that, but I honestly feel I need to get my feet back under me in regards to walking on egg shells. I just feel so uncomfortable around wife now, and I hate it.
I will write more when I get a chance. I would not worry so much about the conversation with your wife.
It's over now and you did it and that's that. But If you keep calling that "Friend", who is at best a drama queen interloper, at worst -worse...then
you're a little too nutty for your own good. Stop the masochism.
More later. Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
