I don't have any long term goals at the moment. I can't think ahead more than the present, for the most part. I still have a hard time envisioning my life in the future or how that will even look.
When I reflect back 8 mo. ago, I realize that I wasn't happy in my relationship. That is not to say that I wasn't happy WITH my relationship. I love my wife with all my heart. Until BD, I didn't even realize to what extent or how deeply my love went. With that being said, I have always loved being a husband and a father. I love house and home. I love togetherness. I loved all of that. I was proud of my life.....but it needed work. I see that now.
Short term, I wish to be more active in "fun" activities. Wife constantly complained about my reluctance to do fun stuff, to go out, to party, to vacation. To be honest, her perspective is a little off base because we DID do a lot of fun stuff, about as much as the average couple. However, she always wanted more, where as I was becoming more and more inclined to focus on our home and our work. I thought I was just becoming more responsible, but I see now that I do need to be more involved in the fun stuff on a daily basis. I need to learn how to enjoy myself more and socialize. I need to get out there. Wife would have KILLED to have me say that in years past. Now, here I am becoming the man she always wanted, not for her, but for myself. I haven't lost focus on WHO I am DBing for. However, it does pain me to know that she is no longer a party to the marriage and will probably never be able to enjoy it with me. It makes me sad. Actually, it breaks my heart. You all know that pain...of course you do, or we wouldn't be here.
As far as who I want to be, I think I was that guy. Well, pretty close. I needed a little fine tuning (as you all know), but I really liked who I was, or at least how I was living. I had a beautiful wife, wonderful daughter, people who I thought cared about me, our home is gorgous, we had great friends, plenty of free time. What wasn't to like about that aspect. Granted, I would have liked to have had better communication in my marriage and been more skilled at expressing love and compassion. I am getting there. I still need lots of work, but I am fairly close (personally) to who I really wish to be. Well, I really need to lose a few pounds, but for the most part it is everything around me that seems to be going sideways. That is what I don't like. I just don't know how to change it. On one hand I can't see ever letting go of my love for my wife. At the same time, I try to picture moving on with someone else. I just CAN'T see it. How would I ever be able to fully give myself to someone else whe I have this huge part of my heart that already belongs to wife? I know it happens and it probably will for me too. I hate being alone, and I hate being in this limbo. Wife has moved forward with exacting plans on how she wanted this to work. She knew exactly how she wanted to go. She went after it, and she is moving on. I wish I could do the same...somehow... with her or without her. I just can't. It's been 8 months, and I can still cry about it today, actual tears. When does that stop? How do you ever make that go away? Those are the things I am struggling with. Just when I feel like I am starting to turn a corner, BAM, I am right back at square one. That is where I am today. It is so frusturating!
