No more games- suckerpunch

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, Advina and Hotwheels.

It makes sense that something like this isn't the biggest deal in the world. I doubt it will be a deal changer to anything, especially something that no longer really exists (the marriage). However, remembering our anniversary was an issue last year, I recall. I waited too long before ordering a gift for wife and it wasn't here in time. I remember she was hurt by that. She was also hurt that I didn't make dinner plans.

You "remember" but...you did nothing about it?? She felt hurt but, hey, so what? You waited too long and at the last minute ordered something so it was not there in time. Hey, Your anniversary is the same date every year, right?

Did you actually forget or were you scorekeeping and wanting HER to do more for YOU? I mean, I don't see how you can defend this...but you are!


I consulted her about dinner, because I figured it was OUR anniversary, and she didn't like that for some reason or other. I guess, (...mind reading) that she wanted me to have a gift, make the plans and follow through, even though that should not have been MY job.

Wow...I'm nearly speechless.
You say you want to change but you write stuff like this and it's amazing to me that being a LOVING GIVING MAN is not your "job"...why not?

B/C it means she'll "win"?

The scorecard will have you giving more? Gee, if you insist on scorekeeping, why isn't that where you'd WANT "more points"?

Seems to me you want the score to be what YOU GET, and not what you give.

My brother in law just surprised my sister for their 20th anniversary with a weeklong trip to New England, checking off two places on her "bucket list".

He planned the whole thing and packed for her and got his parents to come and watch their youngest.


OMG! OH NO! I don't think SHE has done that for HIM...so next year, he better do nothing, and sulk, and that'll show her...



I guess we were just different in that way. With that said, there is nothing I can do to fix the past. This is where we are now. It is an unfortunate place.


how are you treating this time any differently? I mean, I can see why you'd do nothing for it, there ARE reasons... but it's not for the reasons YOU cited.

You are choosing to do nothing b/c you won't get credit for it. That means to me you are a lot like you were a year ago.

And the problem is that you still see nothing off base or selfish about your behavior in the past...I mean, do you see how you sound about last year?

"we're just different that way"...Um, yeah, she wanted you to show her love, and use the anniversary as a symbolic time for that.

But instead You showed her how low her happiness was on your priority list.

and you are completely unaware of anything about that which is Unloving. OR so you say.

You were measuring then, as you measure now.



I still don't get why or how we ended up here, but here we are.

Really SP? You don't see "why or how"? At all? Dig deeper

It has been over 8 mo. and I don't see any hope for our marriage in the future. She is just gaining distance from me, while I am wasting time worrying if she will ever come back. She probably won't. For all intents and purposes, she is already gone. She has been since day 1. She hasn't checked back in or looked over her shoulder ONCE she the day she left.

I call BS to that^^. At best it's mind reading negatively, again.

And it's a great excuse not to bother trying, although you CLAIM to want to be a better man. You WANT to be a man only a fool would leave....But if there is no reward for it, then "Why bother?" You are still Missing the point!

Your changes are evidently superficial and or, unreal. MY mind reading says, She sees that.



I realize that on so many levels, but it just hasn't sunk in to my heart. I mean here I am at 4:30am AGAIN, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about my failed marriage. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try.

define "trying". How do you "try hard" to change? Or let go? What is it, that you are doing that indicates a NEW way of thinking or "trying"? Trying is much more than wishing.


And, at this point, I really REALLY want to let go. I honestly do. I wish I could just put it all behind me and move on, but I can't. It is so frusturating. I keep having thoughts about how I can force a conclusion, which is stupid...but I keep thinking about it.


IT's the thinking about "IT" and not YOU, & YOUR need for change,

and NOT doing anything differently, that keeps you stuck.


I just can't deal with seeing her moving on with her life and treating me and our marriage as if it was "just a thing", no big deal. We no longer talk.

Seeing her moving on is one thing, and that's all about your ego keeping score.

It's as If her being happy, takes something away FROM you.

So you must be the "loser" in the contest of life.

THAT is False negative thinking and it's going to stop you from real happiness every time. There will always be someone "ahead" of you if that is how you view life.

The pretense that she is treating the marriage "as no big deal" is all you negatively projecting again, & demonizing her, AND mind reading again.
How's that working for you?

My opinion is that she has been mourning the loss of this marriage AS IT WAS HAPPENING, (*you know, like on last year's anniversary...)

whereas you are mourning it now that it's ending.

We no longer interact with each other. Daugther is obviously still confused and hurting to some degree or other. Now she has a new "guy friend" of her moms and a whole new circle of people to be with. It has to be confusing to her. Plus, W and I haven't been in the same room with each other for more than 3 minutes, in Months. How can I keep holding onto some thing that isn't even there? WHAT is holding me in this pattern? I just want the hurt, the confusion, the pain to stop. How do I make that happen? I don't want this anymore!

Sorry....it's late (or early), and I am rambling. Just not a good night. Thanks for listening.

You know what to do. But you don't like it. You resist it mightily.

Your pride, selective memory, biased scorekeeping, and negative programming are so engrained, I don't see you being able to change this life pattern

without changing how you view things,

which means a major paradigm shift. I'd love to help you get there,

and that's all I got.