Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

I create chaos in order to create order. I seek and destroy anything and anyone in my path that may hinder my goal in keeping this life neat and tidy and I am in control at all times. Any questions? This was the Meredith of September…

This is key. I am afraid that I haven't made enough progress away from the part of myself that is so similiar to what you described.

When H walked out, no one was playing the game with me anymore so I could put down my cards and relax.

YES!!! This is exactly what it was - my first chance to relax in months because I didn't have the relationship to constantly be worrying about, controlling, "fixing" -I am worried that when he comes home I am going to just pick up the cards and jump back into the old ways. And after last night, I'm sure he is, too.

– to avoid the interactions with H when I didn’t have my emotions under control. Anger management didn’t happen overnight, and I needed the time to collect my emotions and work through them before speaking to H.

How do you avoid interactions when you live with the person? I am very new at this anger management thing, and I am just worried that I don't have the expertise to handle my husband and the emotions he arouses in me full-time.

The less fear - the greater the PMA, the greater the PMA - the more Bob Barker can emerge, more Bob appears - the less the alien appears…getting my drift??

The less I am afraid, the better things are with us, but him making tangible plans (for example, buying us a bigger bed-he's moving that into the house TODAY), is bringing the terror back. I like me sane, competent, and adult. I am worried I will become the suspicious, hostile, sneaking, hateful creature I was when he left. (Why couldn't I tell him this instead of throwing a fit last night?)


But the comforting factor about my sitch is that the old way wasn’t working, I have a way that works for me better than the old one did, and if he doesn’t come home I’ll survive.

See, I know I can survive without him. But with him? I'm not so sure.

*Sigh* This is the most stressed out I've been in a long time. Any thoughts are definitely appreciated.
Thanks,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

You've got a good start in the reply to Meredith's comments.

Let me ask you a question that Meredith and I asked ourselves over the weekend. Something to chew on and help us put the focus back on the goal...

Can you picture your H being married to someone else?

If the answer is a resounding NO, you're going to have to commit to the process of working this through with him. Because all indicators show that your H is committed enough to come back home and make changes himself.

You're part of that process...

So grab yourself a bowl of fresh mint chocolate chip ice cream and give yourself a new attitude to go with it!

You can do this!

Bets

[Lyrael]

Betsey-
NO!! I cannot see my husband married to someone else - at least, not without him and the new wife in body casts at the wedding. Just kidding, I swear!
Alright - I needed a small 2x4 to the side of the head, and you gave me one. My attitude did/does need a serious adjustment. This is what I've worked so hard for, for six long months! I need to concentrate on positive (the whole weekly scheduling idea is GREAT! it addresses one of my primary concerns for me and H). I keep telling myself - think solutions, not problems!
Thanks for the gentle whack, Bets.
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

It really wasn't meant to be a whack... it was sort of a question that either Meredith or I asked in the car (can't remember now) and sort of made us sit silent and get back up on the wagon.

I like your comment:

Think solutions, not problems!

Hugs,

Bets

[Lyrael]

Well, folks, I am throwing myself a little party.
H brought over the big king-size bed at about 6 tonight. I said before I wasn't really sure what was up with that, since he wanted a legal car before he moved back in. So now he is sleeping on the crappy double bed he used to use as an excuse not to stay over (ugh - couldn't help that little tiny bit of negative from slipping in).
We hung out - I made us all pizza and we ate that and watched TV. I helped H unload the big bed, and we all laid on it and let S crawl around on it (and us) for a little while. Before I knew it, it was 8pm - S's bedtime. So I put him in bed (again unsure what would happen with H after S went to bed).
We laid on the new bed, and I rubbed H's head for awhile (he loves this, and it's like squeezing one of those stress-relief balls for me - I use head-rubbing like you would use a worry stone.) Then we started snuggling and talking about the possible new house - we talked about both possibilities - the financing not coming through, and what we would do if that happened (very positive, upbeat planning - very fun), and then we talked about what we would do to the house if we got it - what furniture it needed, what we'd do to remodel the attic/basement, how insanely expensive it was going to be to buy curtains for the numerous and HUGE windows-it was so much fun to talk about that stuff. We haven't done a lot of dreaming together about the future - I guess because it used to always seem so uncertain for us.
He kissed me quite a few times, said ILY spontaneously and just did sweet things like touching my face and hugging me. Then that moved into - it has been a bit for that, as he has said that he didn't like doing that and having to leave afterward (see, I would just move back in, rather than cutting down on the ).
I was going to go to Walmart to get a set of sheets for the bed, but it was around 11 and I was really tired. Since I had to be at work in the morning at 9, I said I needed to head to bed and would just pick up sheets tomorrow. I wasn't sure what he would od at this point, and normally I would throw a fit at him not making any moves to say. BUT I DIDN'T. I helped him get the old bed into the truck he borrowed (another reason he kind of had to go back, I guess), and gave him hugs. He said ILY again, and told me my hair looked really cute - I got about 6-7 inches cut off on Monday. He doesn't usually do spontaneous compliments, and that made me feel really good.
I just let him leave. I didn't start a fight about him not staying, or even trying to stay. I just hugged him, told him I loved him, too, and he asked me to call him tomorrow. I also thanked him fo rgetting the bed over here and taking care of a couple of bills.

I could've been a little more Bob at some points, but I think the worst thing I projected was confusion rather than anger or irritation. I just enjoyed being in his arms, and hearing him talk about us together. And it all felt really right - having him here with us, and being close to him. It was okay. I don't know when he'll start officially living here - his schedule is really odd right now - he is staying up very late at night and sleeping only 4-5 hours. The way he isn't sleeping is the only sign of unhappiness I've seen about his current living sitch, and that wacky sleep schedule is, I think, part of why he left - he just wasn't tired yet, and the internet connection at the shop is better (Everquest is his answer to insomnia ). We'll probably have to upgrade from dialup when he really gets back here.
I think we are gonna be okay - I am alright taking this slow, and I have newly realized that I do want him to come home very much. I just need to trust that the changes I am working on are for real, and that I can keep progressing in all areas even with him living at home.
I will update as events progress!
Hugs (I am gonna go snuggle up in my new HUGE bed!)
Myrrh

[Underdog]

All I can say is WOW! You did an awesome job last night, Myrrh.

Now just keep doing more of it, because it works!

((((Myrrh))))

Betsey

[Lyrael]

I know how to sepll crazymake, it just cut off for some reason. Anyway - H asked me to call him today, but since my therapist boss is doing a phone session with a client and we only have one line, I decided to IM him instead. Here it is, word-for-word:
Me: Good morning, sweetie! Hugs (As Bob as I can be
(As Bob as I can be over IM)
H: Hiya
Me: Did you sleep okay? (asked because he had our crappy bed that supposedly was SO BAD to sleep on)
H: I think so, was just very cold.
Me: It did get really cold last night. I'm glad the other bed was okay. That was a complete lie - I had hoped it would be at least a little uncomfortable to sleep on (it was for me) so he'd want to come sleep on our new bed. I am evil, aren't I?
Me: Well, I just wanted to say "hi" and see how you were.
H: Hehe I'm good, gonna go grab a sandwich.
Me: Okay, enjoy your food.
H: Did you pay water bill? Or do I need to go do that? I think he's going kind of pa on me on this one. He has been saying he was going to do it since Monday, and now is asking me if I did it? I didn't because he said HE was going to take care of it - about 5 million times.
Me: No, I had to come in at 9 this morning.
Me: Actually, 8:45.
Me: Are you still okay with doing that?
H: Yup, gonna do it in a sec, after I munch.
Me: K- thank you.
H: NP That's no problem - I'm sure everybody knew that.
Anyway - is he being PA? Or is it possible he has just forgotten every day for the past three/four days?
Did I do okay?
Thanks,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay - I followed up the IM with a quick call, because I actually was willing to take care of this bill if he couldn't/didn't want to.
H: (Shope name)
M: Hi, sweetie.
H: Hi.
M: I just wanted to make sure it was really okay with you that you're taking care of this water bill, because I know it's the beginning of the month and I am not trying to get you in a bad spot financially.
H: No, I don't think that. I am fine with it. I seriously don't know whether to believe this or not. Sometimes he gets mad because I don't let him take care of things; sometimes he gets mad at me "for making him take all the responsibility." Although we haven't talked about that in a long time, I just don't know what to think here. I really can't take care of this bill - I can pay him back for it. Should I do that, even though he says he doesn't want me to? Am I obsessing over something I should just take at face value?
M: Okay, well - I really appreciate you taking care of that. And I really am glad the bed was okay.
H: Eh, well - it did its job.
M: Okay, well - I just called to make sure you really weren't upset about taking care of that. I will talk to you later, okay?
H: Okay. You know where I'm at.
Me: Bye
H: Bye

I wanted to crazymake SO bad - I still want to, but I am as of this morning claiming myself fish sober for at least 24 hours, and if i can get through today, it will be 48.
Wish me luck!
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Lol- H has called me three times to ask for different income/job details for our house application. I'm still pretty sure we won't get it because of our crap credit, but I haven't said anything negative to H - he's so excited! I did ask if he would be okay if we didn't get it, and he said "yeah, there are other houses."
For anyone who's read Mars/Venus - I think he's trying to earn his 50 points by getting us this beautiful house - I haven't seen him this excited about anything in a long time, so I've been really trying to validate his excitement and share his enthusiasm while keeping my skepticism to myself.
*sigh* He is definitely the big dreamer in our M.

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Does overanalyzing your H's intentions get you anywhere?

You just keep smiling because you've got a good handle on validation.

Happy, happy, happy!