I don't have much time right now, but I wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you.
I will only address the latest post right now, should have more time later/tomorrow for the others.
Quote:
I feel that I should keep my distance but I have doing that most of our marriage.
Keep your distance but with a twist. When she initiates conversation FULLY ENGAGE!! But then, also, be the first to end the contact. Nicely, "sorry, but I have to ______. I hope we can talk more later!" Smile!! Leave her wanting more.
Quote:
But she did asked me if I would like to join one of her programmes and I said sure. Wise?
Yes, I think wise IF you have no expectations and can keep the atmosphere "light", pleasant. No "serious" talks right now.
I'm including some validation phrases that might help you when conversing. (It was originally written to a W, so some references are to a H. But of course they apply to Ws too.)
It seems like now that your W has taken that 1st step she feels more relaxed. Let her relax. Don't bring up D or R. Now is your time to show her your 180's.
Quote:
"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."
"You may be right." For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was detrimental to the kids)?" For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)." "I hadn't thought of it that way" "I can see how it would feel that way" "I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through" "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" "Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that" "I can see you're really serious about this" "I see this is important to you" "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this" "I understand why you might feel that way" "Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough." "Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that" "I am sorry that you feel that way" "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"
Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with" "That sounds discouraging" "That sounds like it would really hurt" "It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx" "It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you" "I can see that you are really upset" "Would you like to talk about it" "That really bothered you, didn't it?" "How did you feel when xxxxxx?" "What bothers you the most about it" "What would help you feel better" "I can see you are really uncomfortable about this" "I can understand why you would be upset" "So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"
If H talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.
WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday. You: Oh? How is he doing?
WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend. You: Did you have a good time?
WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend. You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.
If H asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.
WAS: How was your weekend? You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.
WAS: Where were you last night? You: I was at the gym.
WAS: What are you doing tonight? You: Probably going out to dinner.
One important thing about D. Do NOT bring up D talk!! Let W bring it up. If she presses you about D, simply say: "You can go ahead and start that divorce paperwork whenever you want to. You know, of course, that it isn't what I want, but I won't stand in your way." You need to put the onus of D on the WAW!!
Good luck!! Listen attentively and use "I" statements.
Make today great!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
