I think I know where you're going with that, LA.....but, let me rephrase.....there is "nothing I will personally get out of it"....in other words, it doesn't mean much to me either way. By saying "this day is worth remembering" won't give me a feeling of satisfaction or a sense of honor. I hope that makes sense.
You changed the question to what you wanted to respond to.
You had more than a couple of posts wondering what to do about the anniversary, you said So I am more and more torn about the anniversary.
I'm not trying to beat you up, I'd just like you to be honest with yourself. My anniversary meant something to me, there's no crime in that. I was sad when it came and went without fanfare but I got over it. I've chosen to let it pass without mentioning it. I can remember it on my own but it's not a day of celebration for us as a couple.
The honorable things are what we do without expecting personal gain, the good we do when no one is looking because that's who we are.
Who do you really want to be, sp?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If after thinking about this you don't think any formal acknowledgment is called for, that's legit. The honorable thing is not to send a card or whatever because a critical mass of voices here agreed on that, it's to do what is right for you. Which may be nothing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You changed the question to what you wanted to respond to.
You had more than a couple of posts wondering what to do about the anniversary, you said So I am more and more torn about the anniversary.
I'm not trying to beat you up, I'd just like you to be honest with yourself. My anniversary meant something to me, there's no crime in that. I was sad when it came and went without fanfare but I got over it. I've chosen to let it pass without mentioning it. I can remember it on my own but it's not a day of celebration for us as a couple.
The honorable things are what we do without expecting personal gain, the good we do when no one is looking because that's who we are.
Who do you really want to be, sp?
I wish to be a someone that only a fool would leave. I wish to be a husband and a father, under the same roof. I wish to feel whole again. With that said, I would think you were saying that because you were doing it for a reason, with expectations I suppose. I don't know. I am still just SOOOO confused about HOW I am supposed to act. I don't even know what to do anymore and it's killing me. It's like I am lost, trying to find myself and improve....and I don't know how to do it.
Suckerpunch, you summed it up pretty well. We are confused, we don't know what to do anymore and it does kill us. One of the questions in another book by MWD asks what you would do if your wish came true when you woke up. My wish would be to have my W back, but boy, that would also be very scary how to handle her back again, to relearn everything about her again, to also worry about everything I did or didn't do. Yes, I and you, can work on ourselves for the better, but there is still a lot of unknown out there, and that is scary and makes us feel lost at times.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
You're not going to be judged and held accountable on the basis of one decision: what you did or didn't do about this year's anniversary. That is one tiny seedline in a vast forest of seriously broken marriage. You can take care of it perfectly or do nothing about it. It's worth only as much attention as it's worth.
Whether you bought a card or flowers or composed a thoughtful message is such a small thing next to... Whether you have behaved with love and dignity through this, Whether you have worked on the flaws you discovered in yourself through this, Whether you have accepted that W has a right to her own feelings and whether you have heard and understood them, Whether you have given her all the space she asked for and more, Whether you have kept the road home paved, and so on
Our wedding anniversaries are really beside the point at this time, and the person trying to undo the marriage would be seriously crazy to hold it against you if you don't send a celebratory card.
I think the small picture makes me feel crazy (he did THIS should I do THAT...I spent days trying to figure out whether to get a room of my own on a specific trip H planned, or stay in their room, or not go, and none of that really affected anything. I ended up doing what was best for me and was very glad.) and the big picture allows me to feel more centered. In the very long slow process that this is, I hold my head up that I haven't been one of those who threw fits, cried, said things I couldn't take back, shamed him. I have tried very hard to give him all kinds of space and keep my mind focused on being a good person and a good mother, finding fun and joy where I can in my life. Let him spin, I'm not.
It's way easier to see this in someone else's sitch and think yes but THIS problem I'm having TODAY is really more devastating and important. It's not. Maybe reframe things by imagining you're advising someone else.
Hang in there.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It makes sense that something like this isn't the biggest deal in the world. I doubt it will be a deal changer to anything, especially something that no longer really exists (the marriage). However, remembering our anniversary was an issue last year, I recall. I waited too long before ordering a gift for wife and it wasn't here in time. I remember she was hurt by that. She was also hurt that I didn't make dinner plans. I consulted her about dinner, because I figured it was OUR anniversary, and she didn't like that for some reason or other. I guess, (...mind reading) that she wanted me to have a gift, make the plans and follow through, even though that should not have been MY job. I guess we were just different in that way. With that said, there is nothing I can do to fix the past. This is where we are now. It is an unfortunate place. I still don't get why or how we ended up here, but here we are. It has been over 8 mo. and I don't see any hope for our marriage in the future. She is just gaining distance from me, while I am wasting time worrying if she will ever come back. She probably won't. For all intents and purposes, she is already gone. She has been since day 1. She hasn't checked back in or looked over her shoulder ONCE she the day she left. I realize that on so many levels, but it just hasn't sunk in to my heart. I mean here I am at 4:30am AGAIN, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about my failed marriage. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try. And, at this point, I really REALLY want to let go. I honestly do. I wish I could just put it all behind me and move on, but I can't. It is so frusturating. I keep having thoughts about how I can force a conclusion, which is stupid...but I keep thinking about it. I just can't deal with seeing her moving on with her life and treating me and our marriage as if it was "just a thing", no big deal. We no longer talk. We no longer interact with each other. Daugther is obviously still confused and hurting to some degree or other. Now she has a new "guy friend" of her moms and a whole new circle of people to be with. It has to be confusing to her. Plus, W and I haven't been in the same room with each other for more than 3 minutes, in Months. How can I keep holding onto some thing that isn't even there? WHAT is holding me in this pattern? I just want the hurt, the confusion, the pain to stop. How do I make that happen? I don't want this anymore!
Sorry....it's late (or early), and I am rambling. Just not a good night. Thanks for listening.
SP, ramble all you want. I still have moments when I wonder, what the he!!?
As Ad says, the small picture can make you crazy but I think for most of us it's a slow process to get from the minutiae to the 30,000 ft view. And most here are control freaks we tend to get caught up in the little details. I think we should all start out with one guideline: Unless your spouse is contacting you about making a serious attempt at reconciliation, never engage with them, ever!
You about a little who you wanted to be, expand that away from just roles you assume to the core of who you are. What are your values? What guides you in decisions you make every day?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
