It makes sense that something like this isn't the biggest deal in the world. I doubt it will be a deal changer to anything, especially something that no longer really exists (the marriage). However, remembering our anniversary was an issue last year, I recall. I waited too long before ordering a gift for wife and it wasn't here in time. I remember she was hurt by that. She was also hurt that I didn't make dinner plans. I consulted her about dinner, because I figured it was OUR anniversary, and she didn't like that for some reason or other. I guess, (...mind reading) that she wanted me to have a gift, make the plans and follow through, even though that should not have been MY job. I guess we were just different in that way. With that said, there is nothing I can do to fix the past. This is where we are now. It is an unfortunate place. I still don't get why or how we ended up here, but here we are. It has been over 8 mo. and I don't see any hope for our marriage in the future. She is just gaining distance from me, while I am wasting time worrying if she will ever come back. She probably won't. For all intents and purposes, she is already gone. She has been since day 1. She hasn't checked back in or looked over her shoulder ONCE she the day she left. I realize that on so many levels, but it just hasn't sunk in to my heart. I mean here I am at 4:30am AGAIN, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about my failed marriage. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try. And, at this point, I really REALLY want to let go. I honestly do. I wish I could just put it all behind me and move on, but I can't. It is so frusturating. I keep having thoughts about how I can force a conclusion, which is stupid...but I keep thinking about it. I just can't deal with seeing her moving on with her life and treating me and our marriage as if it was "just a thing", no big deal. We no longer talk. We no longer interact with each other. Daugther is obviously still confused and hurting to some degree or other. Now she has a new "guy friend" of her moms and a whole new circle of people to be with. It has to be confusing to her. Plus, W and I haven't been in the same room with each other for more than 3 minutes, in Months. How can I keep holding onto some thing that isn't even there? WHAT is holding me in this pattern? I just want the hurt, the confusion, the pain to stop. How do I make that happen? I don't want this anymore!
Sorry....it's late (or early), and I am rambling. Just not a good night. Thanks for listening.
