Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

So, some reflection on my sitch this morning. BTW, thanks all for the comments/insight regarding mask/behavior.

So, reflection time...maybe that is not the right word, but anyhoo.

Entitlement - I find it very interesting and funny to some degree that our spouses have this entitlement factor on everything...especially when they haven't honored any entitlements us LBS should have.

For example - My H this morning asked me for something that is rightfully mine as well. Now I don't want it, but it is my right to retain it. What furthers this is that H has gone "dark" on all his obligations to me and the boys as if we are not entitled to anything, but would dare ask me for something. Ha! I had to laugh (to myself of course). Also funny is how OW is entitled to these things when I am rightfully (and legally) entitled. Bah hah ha!

Okay, talking to a friend yesterday about what happened the other morning with the kids. Started talking about if H comes back the relationship would have to be a new one. I told him I knew that. To further the matters, we talked about his sitch with his XW. Soooo many things he has told me in the past seem as if she is/was in MLC. All the way up to recently, which it seems that her new beau is a very similar guy to my friend, in many ways...ie looks, personality, morals, responsibility. I told him in my opinion, had he been available now (he got remarried a few years ago) she would probably would have come back around. He agreed and said she has softened towards him and invited him to a lot more things in the past 6 months....up to and including a lunch alone, where they discussed some history. Funny...and no, I never mentioned the idea of MLC, but knew.

Expectations - I am really trying hard to eliminate these from my mind. My expectations of H "waking up" and coming home to his family is so strong. This is really the only one I have. That he will wake up, think what have I done, and beg to come home and be with us. I do have another one, but it leans more in the opposite direction...the only thing that holds H accountable and local is his apartment that he got that is about 5 minutes from us. I expect that once his lease is up, he will flee for good and really abandon my children (and me) of course.

I see no matter how much I do right, that I really have no control over what happens...and I am sitting here with the expectation that if I DB perfectly that things will work out the way I want. Svcks really, and I am slowly trying to get out of this mind set.

I miss my old H, sometimes too much I feel. This man is no where in sight anymore, and I feel he never will be. I guess maybe because he seems to be in a "calm" right now with the way things are. Not to mention comfortable and happy. I don't know how to keep myself from feeling this way. Is it possible he is and has what he wants and needs. I am thinking yes, but my heart is wishing no, is that wrong?

So, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Mixed feelings, ups and downs, and without someone to share all aspects of my life with. I am a great woman who deserves much more than that. Why can't I just accept that he is not the man for me anymore? Why am I stuck? What can I do to get out of this? I believe in the physical sense I have let him go, mentally maybe as well. My heart is what longs for him.

Snodderly/AJ - You guys had a one time seen hope in my sitch. More than I ever saw really. Do you still see that, or is it time that I really pack up my losses and move on? I know you guys don't have a crystal ball, but what is your take on where I am at in my sicth. Is no movement, or movement of seperating even further a good/bad sign. You guys have seen enough of this to have a valuable opinion. I guess maybe because I have lost hope, I am trying to see if anyone sees anything that I am not seeing that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up. Anyone can comment really.