No more games- suckerpunch

[adinva]

You're not going to be judged and held accountable on the basis of one decision: what you did or didn't do about this year's anniversary. That is one tiny seedline in a vast forest of seriously broken marriage. You can take care of it perfectly or do nothing about it. It's worth only as much attention as it's worth.

Whether you bought a card or flowers or composed a thoughtful message is such a small thing next to...
Whether you have behaved with love and dignity through this,
Whether you have worked on the flaws you discovered in yourself through this,
Whether you have accepted that W has a right to her own feelings and whether you have heard and understood them,
Whether you have given her all the space she asked for and more,
Whether you have kept the road home paved,
and so on

Our wedding anniversaries are really beside the point at this time, and the person trying to undo the marriage would be seriously crazy to hold it against you if you don't send a celebratory card.

I think the small picture makes me feel crazy (he did THIS should I do THAT...I spent days trying to figure out whether to get a room of my own on a specific trip H planned, or stay in their room, or not go, and none of that really affected anything. I ended up doing what was best for me and was very glad.) and the big picture allows me to feel more centered. In the very long slow process that this is, I hold my head up that I haven't been one of those who threw fits, cried, said things I couldn't take back, shamed him. I have tried very hard to give him all kinds of space and keep my mind focused on being a good person and a good mother, finding fun and joy where I can in my life. Let him spin, I'm not.

It's way easier to see this in someone else's sitch and think yes but THIS problem I'm having TODAY is really more devastating and important. It's not. Maybe reframe things by imagining you're advising someone else.

Hang in there.