I create chaos in order to create order. I seek and destroy anything and anyone in my path that may hinder my goal in keeping this life neat and tidy and I am in control at all times. Any questions? This was the Meredith of September…
This is key. I am afraid that I haven't made enough progress away from the part of myself that is so similiar to what you described.
When H walked out, no one was playing the game with me anymore so I could put down my cards and relax.
YES!!! This is exactly what it was - my first chance to relax in months because I didn't have the relationship to constantly be worrying about, controlling, "fixing" -I am worried that when he comes home I am going to just pick up the cards and jump back into the old ways. And after last night, I'm sure he is, too.
– to avoid the interactions with H when I didn’t have my emotions under control. Anger management didn’t happen overnight, and I needed the time to collect my emotions and work through them before speaking to H.
How do you avoid interactions when you live with the person? I am very new at this anger management thing, and I am just worried that I don't have the expertise to handle my husband and the emotions he arouses in me full-time.
The less fear - the greater the PMA, the greater the PMA - the more Bob Barker can emerge, more Bob appears - the less the alien appears…getting my drift??
The less I am afraid, the better things are with us, but him making tangible plans (for example, buying us a bigger bed-he's moving that into the house TODAY), is bringing the terror back. I like me sane, competent, and adult. I am worried I will become the suspicious, hostile, sneaking, hateful creature I was when he left. (Why couldn't I tell him this instead of throwing a fit last night?)
But the comforting factor about my sitch is that the old way wasn’t working, I have a way that works for me better than the old one did, and if he doesn’t come home I’ll survive.
See, I know I can survive without him. But with him? I'm not so sure.
*Sigh* This is the most stressed out I've been in a long time. Any thoughts are definitely appreciated. Thanks, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
