Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Meredith]

Whether or not separation is a key factor really does depend on not only the sitch, but the personalities of the people involved in the marriage.

For instance, had I been the one to walk out of the door I don’t think my husband would have been overly receptive to me walking back though it. The fact that it was HIM who walked was the key to my sitch. Let me explain.

My name is Meredith and I am a crazymaker. I create chaos in order to create order. I seek and destroy anything and anyone in my path that may hinder my goal in keeping this life neat and tidy and I am in control at all times. Any questions? This was the Meredith of September…

Had we been separated under the same roof, I would have sought out fights so easily. I would have the ability to snoop to my hearts content and I would have found far too much information. I would have played as many trumps as I could have (reneging most of them, just to stay in control) and I’d be fighting to win. When H walked out, no one was playing the game with me anymore so I could put down my cards and relax. By the time I read DR, I had been separated for about 6 months.

The separation gave me the time to read all the books I needed to, to practice these new techniques from afar, to get to know myself and feel comfortable spending time alone with ME, and probably most importantly – to avoid the interactions with H when I didn’t have my emotions under control. Anger management didn’t happen overnight, and I needed the time to collect my emotions and work through them before speaking to H. Thank God for caller ID.

Another benefit to my separation was that I dispelled a lot of the fears I had surrounding divorce. I know now that I CAN do this. My house is running smoothly, my bills are paid, there is food in the pantry and by God – I’m doing okay. Once the fear was dispelled, I could quit concentrating on that. The less fear - the greater the PMA, the greater the PMA - the more Bob Barker can emerge, more Bob appears - the less the alien appears…getting my drift??

So, it worked for us. I needed a time out. I do hope that my husband will come home, and I really do hope that it is in the fairly near future. But the comforting factor about my sitch is that the old way wasn’t working, I have a way that works for me better than the old one did, and if he doesn’t come home I’ll survive.

That is NOT to say that this is the key for everyone…not only is every sitch different, but the PEOPLE in those sitches make the difference. My personality may not be yours, and your wife’s may not be my husbands. You have to weigh all of the odds…including your son’s. Selling the home may not be the best plan for you – because it would add more chaos to your son’s world.