Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[dorightman]

I realized today that I have to stfu! And just Listen! W told me to stop preaching!

[Cadet]

I realized today that I have to stfu! And just Listen! W told me to stop preaching!

Agreed!

[MrBond]

What happened? What other things have you "worked on"? While you were out of the house?

[dorightman]

I had to go away for the weekend to work. We didn't have time to talk before I left, but this morning W texted me to ask if I was moving back into the house because she noticed more of my stuff in the house.

I didn't want to have this conversation on the phone, but I called her to talk as she has the right to know.

I told her I ran out of money, but that I had a plan if conflict arose, and that I thought we where in a better place with each other and that I worked on myself over the past 3 months.

Her response was that this is not what she wants, that she doesn't think we're communicating better because this is not what she wants, and that we would talk about it with her C next week. Then she had to get off the phone.

[MrBond]

"but this morning W texted me to ask if I was moving back into the house because she noticed more of my stuff in the house."

Seriously? You didn't talk to her before you started moving stuff back home? You do understand that this is more selfish and psycho behavior on your part to her, don't you?

"I didn't want to have this conversation on the phone, but I called her to talk as she has the right to know."

Why didn't you talk to her about it sooner? You're killing yourself again!

"I told her I ran out of money, but that I had a plan if conflict arose,"

Which you never explained to her. YOu never had a definite plan.

"and that I thought we where in a better place with each other and that I worked on myself over the past 3 months."

Are you kidding me? YOU keep making that assumption when she hasn't said anything to you. This is more of your odd behavior acting out.

"Her response was that this is not what she wants, that she doesn't think we're communicating better because this is not what she wants,"

And she's absolutely right. You haven't given her a definite plan with dates and contingencies that she would approve so that she feels "safe".

"Then she had to get off the phone."

Probably to vent.

So what is your next plan of action?

[dorightman]

It wasn't possible to talk before I had to go. W will not talk about anything except kids and logistics. She will only talk about R or money in front of a therapist.

I did tell her I couldn't afford the apt anymore. This isn't acting out. We weren't supposed to have this conversation until next week in therapy.

I don't have a plan. We will talk about everything in therapy next week.

[MrBond]

"It wasn't possible to talk before I had to go."

But you had time to drop your stuff off at the house? BS, there was time. And you should have talked to her about it before you took stuff back home.

"W will not talk about anything except kids and logistics."

Then you know where she's at. Why on earth did you think things were getting better between the two of you at such an early stage?

"She will only talk about R or money in front of a therapist."

This isn't about your R or money. It's her feeling safe which you should have talked to her about before moving stuff back in.

"I did tell her I couldn't afford the apt anymore. This isn't acting out."

You told her in casual conversation.

YOu didn't tell her when you were moving back in or if you were and what your plan was going to be.

"We weren't supposed to have this conversation until next week in therapy. I don't have a plan. We will talk about everything in therapy next week."

DO NOT WAIT! Come up with a definite plan so that it can be discussed at T. TAke the lead.

[dorightman]

Got home yesterday. W is angry, she doesn't want to talk about anything until therapy, then she will tell me what's on her mind. I'm prepared for the worst.

What can I say to her? The reason I couldn't talk to her earlier was because she refuses to talk to me without a third party, so I had to make the decision without her knowledge and let her know after.

I will ask her to give it a try, I will stay out of her way, GAL as much as possible and give her as much time and space as possible. Not sure what else I could say or do? Any suggestions?

[MrBond]

I addressed all this in my post to you.

"Got home yesterday. W is angry, she doesn't want to talk about anything until therapy, then she will tell me what's on her mind. I'm prepared for the worst."

Good luck with that.

"What can I say to her?"

You listen. After she talks, then tell her your PLAN. What is your plan?

"The reason I couldn't talk to her earlier was because she refuses to talk to me without a third party,"

Because she doesn't TRUST you. And you never told her a complete plan that she would be comfortable with. You just moved in thinking that after a couple weeks of things being good, that things would just be positive.

"so I had to make the decision without her knowledge and let her know after."

No you didn't have to. You didn't even tell her. The "without her knowledge" is a big anti trust issue. Why would she even bother to trust you if you're going to continue to do what you want? Plus now that you're in the home again, what guarantee does she has that you're not going to spaz out again?

"I will ask her to give it a try, I will stay out of her way, GAL as much as possible and give her as much time and space as possible. Not sure what else I could say or do? Any suggestions?"

My suggestion is to stop being so selfish. You "asking" her to give it a try when she's told you time and time and time again she didn't want to is just more of the same. You have to start making her trust you again.

Is there anyone else you can room with?

[dorightman]

I'm not asking her to give the marriage a try, I'm asking her to give living together a try. We really can't afford to do this any other way. I'am not wealthy.


And you never told her a complete plan that she would be comfortable with. You just moved in thinking that after a couple weeks of things being good, that things would just be positive.


I never anticipated that things would be positive after I moved back. In fact, I'am conscious of the fact that w doesn't want me here.

The "without her knowledge" is a big anti trust issue.

Yes you're right Bond. I didn't really have the right opportunity to tell w I'm moving back. I could have laid it on her somewhere, somehow, but I'm not lying when I tell you we have hardly any opportunities to talk because were either in the house with the kids, or were doing totally separate things. Thats why w only wants to talk in therapy. I told her we need to hire a babysitter and go out of the house to talk. no response.....
I really feel like my hands are tied. It can be very frustrating at times, but I'am learning how to detach now.
My allies are patience and GAL. I do feel that this is irreparable sometimes. My thoughts sometimes go there, but other times I feel optimistic.

Plus now that you're in the home again, what guarantee does she has that you're not going to spaz out again?

She doesn't, but I'm confident that those days are over. I've been through a few of the 5 stages of loss already. I've moved on emotionally. I still feel sadness, but to a much lower degree. I have more control over myself now.

I don't know what other options I have besides giving her the D she wants, or DBing.

My self esteem is coming back and I'am trying to be as compassionate and loving as possible. This in the midst of w criticizing and putting me down. I'am not buying her angry projections, but I must say it is hard to experience that.

I cannot do anything but continue to be the best father I can be, and to try my hardest to be as loving as possible to w.

Money is an issue and today she actually said that she thought that our differences in the way we handle money is to blame for the place that we are at now. I felt a ping of hope in that statement because I thought that we should be able to overcome that problem by making a budget together. W said we already tried that and it didn't work. She said she thinks that problem is insurmountable because it is the very fabric of our individual nature. I disagree, what do you think?

I think M is about compromise, learning how to meet half way. It's not my way or the highway! I want an equal partnership.

What can I start to do to build more trust? W only looks for the negative in me. She doesn't see me, she doesn't see the good in me.She doesn't want to.

I see the good in me.