Left Behind Husband on the Left Coast II

[MrBond]

Not at all. I get it that you're hurting. I get it that you are feeling depressed. We all have been through that. I'll do you one better when I say that my W's former OM came to my working place to get me fired and arrested for some BS charge because I caught him with his pants down.

I get all that.

However, there comes a time when you stop feeling sorry for yourself and truly take responsibility by understanding that the situation is half your fault. You get strength from that because you know that it's also in your power to turn things around.

I'm not here to "look good". I'm here to help people save their marriages and themselves. Introspection on your part doesn't do any good when the "voices in your head" are turning you into an @$$.

[AnotherStander]

Congrats on the weight loss!

I
Felt a lot of anger yesterday and today at the STBX for this. I own all this mistakes that led to the BD, but the D is on her. She's the one who chose this, she's the one who refused to be grown-up about this, the one who made it ugly. If this is so easy for her, then she's not the person I fell in love with and who needs her anyway?

I doubt it's been easy on her. She may act like it outwardly, but inside I bet she's really struggled with it. My W seemed really happy and satisfied when she moved out and was on her own, but months later she finally admitted that inside she was in a lot of turmoil and would often find a quiet place to cry alone. I was really surprised because whenever I saw her she acted like her new life was perfect.

I think a lot of WAS's move out and once they find that moving did not bring them the happiness they expected, then instead of searching within they think "oh, this didn't work, I must need a divorce to finally be happy." So they suddenly push quite strongly to get the D over with. But divorce isn't the magic bullet they want either. At that point they either start doing the soul-searching they needed all along, or they continue on in life unhappy and in total denial about why.

[PatientMan]

I think a lot of WAS's move out and once they find that moving did not bring them the happiness they expected, then instead of searching within they think "oh, this didn't work, I must need a divorce to finally be happy." So they suddenly push quite strongly to get the D over with. But divorce isn't the magic bullet they want either. At that point they either start doing the soul-searching they needed all along, or they continue on in life unhappy and in total denial about why.

That's what the post-D LBS has to hope for.

I DO think that the pressure a WAS feels is alleviated in different ways depending upon the person. For some it takes saying something and threatening separation. For others it is actually moving out. For others it takes divorce. For others it takes trying new relationships. It all depends, and it also all depends on what the LBS is willing to endure.

Of course, the pain of that endurance is lessened by dropping the rope and moving forward.

But the anger feelings are valid and natural. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way as long as some negative action doesn't arise out of those feelings.

LeftCoastLBH: can you do anything to help facilitate the growth she needs to go through? If you can do it without applying what she perceives as pressure, then help. Otherwise, I suggest getting out of the way completely. If you can't help then there's nothing to do but take the high road and be the man you want and need to be. Love her enough to let her be.

-PM

[LBH_LC]

Not at all. I get it that you're hurting. I get it that you are feeling depressed. We all have been through that. I'll do you one better when I say that my W's former OM came to my working place to get me fired and arrested for some BS charge because I caught him with his pants down.

Well, I guess that beats a LRO coming into work to serve me with a TRO.

However, there comes a time when you stop feeling sorry for yourself and truly take responsibility by understanding that the situation is half your fault. You get strength from that because you know that it's also in your power to turn things around.

Like I said, I own all the many mistakes I made in my marriage. I am just having a hard time owning the divorce. I didn't force her to do this. I wanted to reconcile after finding possible evidence of a EA/PA. SHE chose this. SHE filed, not me. She didn't even tell me she was going to file! SHE is the one who refused to meet to talk about this face-to-face like adults. SHE was the one who made the ridiculous accusations. SHE is the one who made it so we cannot communicate except through my lawyer.

I doubt it's been easy on her. She may act like it outwardly, but inside I bet she's really struggled with it. My W seemed really happy and satisfied when she moved out and was on her own, but months later she finally admitted that inside she was in a lot of turmoil and would often find a quiet place to cry alone. I was really surprised because whenever I saw her she acted like her new life was perfect.

I know you're probably right; it's what MWD tells us, after all. Still, I read about all the WAS on here who occasionally let their walls slips around their LBS, and it guts me. I've never seen it.

LeftCoastLBH: can you do anything to help facilitate the growth she needs to go through? If you can do it without applying what she perceives as pressure, then help. Otherwise, I suggest getting out of the way completely. If you can't help then there's nothing to do but take the high road and be the man you want and need to be. Love her enough to let her be.

I don't know what I could do. I'm open to suggestions, but I think I have to let her walk her road herself. She can be so darn stubborn sometimes, I think it might be pride? It just bums me out she can't see all the changes I've made. And I don't mean that she won't see them, I mean that our sitch makes it so that she cannot.

[MrBond]

"Well, I guess that beats a LRO coming into work to serve me with a TRO."

Yes it does.

"Like I said, I own all the many mistakes I made in my marriage. I am just having a hard time owning the divorce."

The D is a consequence of the mistakes. You can't accept one and not the other.

"I didn't force her to do this. I wanted to reconcile after finding possible evidence of a EA/PA."

You do understand that people who get into an A, usually do so because they didn't get some emotional need met at home, right?

"SHE chose this. SHE filed, not me."

In her mind she didn't have a choice. She didn't think you were going to change so she did it on her own.

"She didn't even tell me she was going to file!"

Because she knew how you were going to act.

"SHE is the one who refused to meet to talk about this face-to-face like adults."

Again, because she knew how you were going to act.

"SHE was the one who made the ridiculous accusations."

YOu did say that your family friend caused a scene with her right? She's scared and trying to protect herself.

"SHE is the one who made it so we cannot communicate except through my lawyer."

Again, because she doesn't want to deal with you and potentially your outbursts. That's just the way it is. You can't argue with what and how she wants to feel.

"She can be so darn stubborn sometimes, I think it might be pride?"

That's part of it.

" It just bums me out she can't see all the changes I've made."

Maybe she doesn't want to see them. Sandi recommended a book before "The Walk Away Wife". It may help you to read that.

[PatientMan]

I don't know what I could do. I'm open to suggestions, but I think I have to let her walk her road herself.

I think that is wise.

-PM

[LBH_LC]

The D is a consequence of the mistakes. You can't accept one and not the other.

The D is not an inherent consequence of the mistakes. It was how she chose to react to them. You are excusing her from any responsibility for this sitch.

You do understand that people who get into an A, usually do so because they didn't get some emotional need met at home, right?

Blame the victim?

In her mind she didn't have a choice. She didn't think you were going to change so she did it on her own.

You're mindreading. And mindreading somebody you don't even know.

Because she knew how you were going to act.

Mindreading and assuming. You don't know her or me.

Again, because she knew how you were going to act.

See above.

YOu did say that your family friend caused a scene with her right? She's scared and trying to protect herself.

Like I've said, you haven't read my posts. It was not a family friend. It was somebody my father (and occasionally myself in the distant past) had a business relationship with.

Again, because she doesn't want to deal with you and potentially your outbursts. That's just the way it is. You can't argue with what and how she wants to feel.

Mindreading.

Maybe she doesn't want to see them. Sandi recommended a book before "The Walk Away Wife". It may help you to read that.

Amazon does not have a book by that name.

Mr. Bond, I don't find your posts to be very helpful. To be frank, I find you abrasive, arrogant, hypocritical, and I think you're too in love with the idea of yourself as some sort of "tough love" guru swinging his clue-by-four around, dispensing wisdom from on high. You don't know my sitch and you don't know me as well as you would like to think you do.

[shouldistillhope]

Hang in there Left Coast,

I don't necessarily feel that any one person here is more qualified to give advice. We can get good advice from someone who has posted only 4 or 5 times just as much as we can get good advice from someone who is labeled a vet. I think maybe it is the advice that best fits our sitch that we can choose to follow.

These times in our lives right now are by far the most difficult things to deal with next to the death of someone close. I find myself searching for answers as to why a W could be so unhappy in their M that divorce is the only option. And what makes them totally give up.

There is definitely a grieving process to go through and some of us just want to hear that things will get better. Whether it is with your current W or not, we can all make things better for us.

I compare it somewhat to this: No one likes to be told to just get on with your life, or just get over it. What would we say to someone who said something like that if we had lost one of our children in a car crash or the death of a close friend. My guess is if your like I am, i wouldn't have very kind words for someone offering advice like that.

We are all here for basically the same reason, and that is the DB/DR books most of us have or should have read. I can tell you the amount of insight I have gained over what doesn't work is invaluable. But it is very hard when you cannot see immediate results. I struggle every day with finding patience.

Some of us read DB/DR books and can implement the actions immediately, some of us struggle with backsliding. It is much nicer to hear words of encouragement or just to have someone telling you that you can accomplish this without being condescending or claiming to be an expert. None of us are experts on this because if we were, then every person here would have their marriage saved. It is called Divorce Busting for a reason. There are plenty of self help books out there that can teach us to become a better person, but all of us are here for the same reason and that is to avoid divorce.

Granted, getting a life will help immensely with that but that fact of the matter is, we are all hurting and scared and its just nice to know there are many of us willing to offer support and advice in a meanigful manner.

Sorry if i got a bit long in my post, but i can offer you kind words of encouragement from time to time.

Believe me, it helps.

Stay strong.

[LBH_LC]

Hang in there Left Coast,
These times in our lives right now are by far the most difficult things to deal with next to the death of someone close. I find myself searching for answers as to why a W could be so unhappy in their M that divorce is the only option. And what makes them totally give up.

Yes, this has been a bit of a double whammy for me, as I lost my father a few weeks for the BD. Although losing his was a surprise and shock, I still knew that I would lose him someday. I never thought I would lose my W. As long as I live, I will never understand the mentality of somebody who chooses D, especially when the other partner is willing to work on the M.

I compare it somewhat to this: No one likes to be told to just get on with your life, or just get over it. What would we say to someone who said something like that if we had lost one of our children in a car crash or the death of a close friend. My guess is if your like I am, i wouldn't have very kind words for someone offering advice like that.

Exactly. I think the past week or so is the first time I've felt anger since the BD. My T, who is a big believer in marriage, solutions-based therapy, and interested in the DB books, says I blame myself and am too hard myself for too much. Not just in my M, but in all aspects of my life. So I don't think I'm being unreasonable with my feelings right now.

And, as angry as I am, I could let it all go and make a sincere effort to work on our M if my W could too.

I can tell you the amount of insight I have gained over what doesn't work is invaluable. But it is very hard when you cannot see immediate results. I struggle every day with finding patience.

I know exactly what you mean.

Granted, getting a life will help immensely with that but that fact of the matter is, we are all hurting and scared and its just nice to know there are many of us willing to offer support and advice in a meanigful manner.

Sorry if i got a bit long in my post, but i can offer you kind words of encouragement from time to time.

Believe me, it helps.

Stay strong.

I am trying (and succeeding) in GAL. I guess I was just hoping it wouldn't get to this point. Thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts.

[shouldistillhope]

Some more thoughts for you,

I am smack in the middle of the anger stage right now. I went from feeling sorry for myself to full blown anger about a week ago. Everyone will tell you that anger is horrible for your health and that you need to let it go, but it is almost impossible. No one person can stay occupied with other thoughts 24 hours a day. You always seem to come back to your sitch and more anger. I have tried excersising, drinking (not a great choice) and keeping as busy as i can, but it gets overwhelming at times.

But there seem to be some happy times once in awhile also. Maybe this is wrong of me to feel this way, but I felt a bit of a victory last night at S7 baseball game.

Normally W would be the one socializing within the crowd with our friends and other childrens parents, but the last 2 games we have went too, our common friends have made an effort to stop by and say hello to me, but my W has received the cold shoulder. She sat by herself the last 2 games while my S4 runs up and sits by me. I actually felt a bit sad for her being by herself last night with no one talking to her, but it also made me realize that she is hurting too, but this was her decision.

I felt pretty good about myself last night and this morning until i realized that today was our 9th wedding anniversary and 1 month from today, i will be divorced.

Back to reality.

I get what you and everyone is going through, and maybe we can all get through it together as best we can.

Have a good day.