JP , yes same roof same bed. I can detach with her coldness etc but when it comes to cheating that's a boundary being crossed. My boundary is NC with OM while we live together. So we have to separate. I can't deal with that, she's free to go on her path and I'm going on mine being a single dad...that's my path.
It's really for my sanity. I know myself and I'm done with the words with OM and I'm ready to strike, so I have to remove myself in this picture. It won't be pretty if I go face to face with OM. I have to diffuse these evil thoughts for my kids' sake.
Anyway I want the gift of time so I can process what I feel without my W just me and the kids. I'm pushing separation this weekend.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Anyway I want the gift of time so I can process what I feel without my W just me and the kids. I'm pushing separation this weekend.
Newman
When making a big decision like this, it is always good to let it wait before you actually do anything. I think waiting for the weekend is a good idea.
Yes I agree sailing...still processing my feelings.
I'm torn right now and need some opinions/advice here. From our talks last night my W ask, why do we have to put restrictions on seeing the kids? Why can't we just do like we do now (yeah live together while she goes on her EA)? I couldn't tell her the real reason, which is because I don't want to know her affairs, the kids don't know about her EA and the kids were around so i couldnt say that, so I looked like a fool pushing for separation. I just told her, you don't get it were separating there's no us.
So now what? I don't think she will move out and I don't want to move out either. I want it fair we both move out and we take turns with the kids, the kids keep the house...I think that's reasonable right? She doesn't wanna move out because she will hear it from her family.
My other option is to take my kids with me on the days I have them but they will hate me for taking them out of their house.
Should I leave then? I really don't want to but for my sanity?
The other option is to stay in the house until the A dies ? Wtf that's not me though!
Thoughts???
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Are you ready for LRT (or the post-LRT)? Drawing a hard line in the sand and sticking to it?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Yes that is exactly my plan when we separate is to continue with LRT. I've been trying LRT since last EA back I April, you know not initiating contact, I'm not too available etc. I also have a hard nosed boundary, I'm just not to sure to approach it that's why I post the q's. but I know one thing is clear, we have to go our separate ways so we can figure out our own paths. If she comes back good if not I'm ok too. Thanks PM.
So the question is what is the best approach to separation:
Originally Posted By: newman7977
So now what? I don't think she will move out and I don't want to move out either. I want it fair we both move out and we take turns with the kids, the kids keep the house...I think that's reasonable right? She doesn't wanna move out because she will hear it from her family.
My other option is to take my kids with me on the days I have them but they will hate me for taking them out of their house.
Should I leave then? I really don't want to but for my sanity?
The other option is to stay in the house until the A dies ? Wtf that's not me though!
Thoughts???
Newman
Sandi? Others???
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
My opinion based on my personal experience is to not move out. I had young children and moved out within a week to give my wife the space she requested. I did not know at the time that the OM had re appeared and by moving out and funding everything I enabled her to continue her fantasy.
If it ever happened again to me I would stay put, and let her deal with the reality of a broken family. How many WAS would continue the path if they ended up out of the family home renting a room? not many.
I said before, they have to come back because they love you not because it's the easier option. Giving them the space in harsh reality gives them the time to think and in that reality if they decide they don't want you then you have to accept that.
You have as much right to a family life, as your wife, it took me nearly 3 years to regain that. You don't have to be an ass just calm and confidently state your not moving out but will help her move out. Easier said than done but dig deep Newman, DB is based on going against natural instincts and this although will be tearing you apart inside, being strong (or appearing to be strong) is the only way forward.
All the best Stronger
Me 39 W 39 D8 S5 Married 13yrs Together 20years EA June 06 Ilyninlwy Jan 07 Seperated Jan 07
The trick with the house staying with the kids and the parents coming and going, called nesting, was something I ran across and thought made sense, so I ran it by my L who has many years served as a guardian ad leitum for kids in family court situation. Not sure I'm spelling it right, anyway... He said it's a terrible idea. Seems good at first but then what about when one of you is dating, or marries, or is mad at the other for this or that? It's cleaner, according to this L, and therefore better for the kids, to rip the bandaid and create two separate homes for them. They get used to mom's house and dad's house better than all continuing to share space. That was his opinion.
Since my H moved out in December, he hasn't obtained a place of his own, and the kids aren't really invited to stay at his friend's nor would I want them to. So by necessity when I have to leave town H moves in for a day or two or a week until I get back. I only take advantage of this if I have to be somewhere for work, so it's been one week and a couple of overnights. It's no biggie. I don't care or know where he sleeps, he doesn't seem to mess with my stuff but I'm not really checking, and when I return it's like greeting the pleasant but somewhat boring babysitter on his way out the door. The first time he was so unpleasant that my son called and said he wanted dad gone. The second time I didn't trust him to be nice so I hired a nephew to also stay there and "help out" to be a moderating influence. The third time was just one night and seemed ok.
I still think of it as a temporary and not ideal solution, would much prefer a clean break and a real household where my kids have a place with their dad, but there isn't so we're making do. I do wish we had a schedule where he had responsibility for them on a predictable basis, that would be really nice.
I think the reason this works for now is that my H and I are fairly amicable where the separation is concerned. My detachment from his comings and goings and behavior is pretty good. There's little talk between us, "business" only, so little chance of raised expectations or hurt feelings.
However I think the kids not ever seeing their dad in his new situation, only seeing him reappear occasionally in our home, is weakening their sense of him as their dad, and probably giving all of us a sense of limbo.
For what it's worth...
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
If it ever happened again to me I would stay put, and let her deal with the reality of a broken family. How many WAS would continue the path if they ended up out of the family home renting...
All the best Stronger
Sorry I jacked up your quote..anyway stronger thanks. I get the NOT moving out I don't want my kids to think I abandoned them...so you're saying is to stay put? What about her EA? Or better yet she moves out??? Is that what you're saying? I just want to make sure I understand.
Adinva, I'm reading your post thank you! I also have some follow up q's...will digest more and post more in a bit.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Good for you for knowing yourself and your boundaries.
My H is in EA w OW and moved out in Nov. He visits kids here almost exclusively, but everyday. It works for us-mostly.
However, there are other ways to create boundaries--possibly ask her to move to another bedroom/part of the house. You do NOT want your children to perceive YOU as the WAS. Children often had more negative feelings about the parent who leaves, despite the involvement of that parent.
No talk of, talking to, texting, any contact whatsoever w OM while at the house.
Sharing a bedroom is VERY difficult, but I understand your desire to separate. I have to admit it is much BETTER for ME to have H gone--more space to DB & figure out me.
Good luck--I'm not sure I've been helpful at all!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
"The trick with the house staying with the kids and the parents coming and going, called nesting, was something I ran across and thought made sense, so I ran it by my L who has many years served as a guardian ad leitum for kids in family court situation. Not sure I'm spelling it right, anyway... He said it's a terrible idea. Seems good at first but then what about when one of you is dating, or marries, or is mad at the other for this or that? It's cleaner, according to this L, and therefore better for the kids, to rip the bandaid and create two separate homes for them. They get used to mom's house and dad's house better than all continuing to share space. That was his opinion."
Adinva, so thank you for bringing this up^^^^! I get it now, reading a lot on google re "nesting" very eye opener. So sorry about your sitch, you seem you got handles on your sitch. Keep me in check thanks again.
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
