Say What??

[2chiquitos]

SemperFi00 and SD thank you for following. SD your feedback is very insightful (read on).

Journal
Today I came across his email on our iPad. I thought I was looking at my email and realized it was his. Without even thinking, it happened so fast, I clicked "sent mail" and came across an email with no content sent to OW with the subject "thinking of you."

All those awful feelings came back. I was shaking, hurt, angry but this time I was more hurt. I wasn't in a rage like before. This experience was different yet the same. I showered and tried my best to calm down my nerves. I called an al anon friend.

But then he text to see how we were doing. I called and told him what I saw and asked if he could please give me space today. "please don't come over today (ie don't spend the night here)" He was explaining what the email was about. Something about how her brother called (I feel stupid writing this) him and asked if he could check up on OW because she was very down.

Just writing this it sounds so made up. Even if it was true, how would I know??

I said I didn't want to talk today since I didn't want to say anything irrational or based on my emotions. (New me) He insisted, "like what?" then the old me came out. The one that says almost exactly what's on her mind. You know which one I'm talking about right?

Here's what I said, I have a list (told him the list) of what I want from you if you want to reconcile. I've been told by al anoners that I should only bring up my requests 3 times. After that I should accept whatever you choose to do. From there I will decide if I put up with it or walk away. Since it's been 3 times I've mentioned my list (once with MC second a few weeks after that session) this will be the last time you hear my requests.

Also, I would like for them to be done soon. I don't have the patience anymore to wait. I've waited 6 mos since I brought it up to you the first time. (I think I've waited long enough).

Then he talks about how he doesn't want to resent me later. My response, I agree with you so if you don't want to follow through I completely understand. I don't expect you to do what's on the list. I want you to know that I will continue to have a coparenting relationship with you and I will not limit how often you see the kids.

Between the conversation he was saying how he doesn't want to be away from us and wants to try but then when he heard my list he got defensive.

My response, obviously you continue to think that you can cross my boundaries. I won't be as naive about it as last time. I want you to respect my boundaries.

I grew some b@lls today.