Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Well, Bill - I am sure you can tell from the title of this post that the evening did NOT go as well as I had hoped.
I think I should have called off plans last night - I just wasn't emotionally up to it. I might be PMS'ing - who knows. I am just really, really tired.
So, I'm no longer fish sober - you know that part where Marlon (Marlen?) and Dory get directions from that huge school of fish? Well, I ate that school last night. I am exhausted today, but I'll write more when I'm up to it.

I called H to make sure he and his roommate figured out a ride to work for the roommate, and I gave him a brief apology, and we hung up the phone. The only goal for today? Leave him alone until it's time for us to play tonight, and give myself a little space to figure out why I screwed up so bad.
Still no deal-breakers...surprisingly.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

no deal breakers means you didnt bottom out the tank - ok so you made a couple of gallon deposit over the past 2 weeks, and then just took out 1 gallon. Keep filling, keep filling.....

:-) Sorry I am in a silly mood

[Lyrael]

I am at loss right now.
Good things are still happening with H and I, but not because I am doing anything right! He took me to look at a house he wants us to buy -it's absolutely beautiful - it has dark woodwork, amazing hardwood floors, this neat wrought-iron fireplace. Four bedrooms upstairs, and an office downstairs with dark cherrywood built-in cabinets. He told me that maybe I could use that room for a counseling practice (that almost made me cry - I don't even have my degree yet, but he really believes in me!).
He told me he just wants a place where we (meaning all three of us) can be together. Last night I found out we may have a bed - getting a new one was an issue in him coming home.
But I still haven't been able to break the habit of getting upset when he leaves early. I am just having trouble with understanding how, if he is saying he wants to/is planning to come home, he is now reducing the time he spends with us! So I get mad when he leaves. I guess I need to lower my expectations - and figure out some sort of scripted end to our visits. Also, I have problems when we are planning visits. Then I can't relax when he's there - last night he was snuggling with me on the couch, and he commented on it. He hugged me and said "Just relax, sweetie!"
Right now, our M's progress is all him, because I really feel like I've fallen off the wagon.
Truth be told, I'm scared. I am afraid he is coming back SOON, and I am really afraid I'm not up to that challenge.
Bleagh,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Well, it looks like you're going to be one of the fortunate ones who's H wants to come home and make things work.

Where there's a will, there's a way. You're going to find the answers on the journey, so don't waste another minute fretting about this.

Hugs,

Bets

[freckles1]

Hi Myrrh -

There is a book out titled "Getting Back Together" by Drs. Bilicki and Goetz. I got my copy thru Amazon. I had read some comments about it on a few of the threads on this board and I figured what did I have to lose.

I haven't finished reading the book yet but I think it's mis-titled (I thought it was only for people who had already separated) but people who aren't even separated yet could gain from it. The authors' ways of thinking are very similar to Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy.

The book addresses about the Spouse coming home and sometimes that it happens too early -- that we NEED the separation to help to get things back on track.

Don't know if this helps or not. I hope it does

Take care,

Mary

[ObiWan]

The book addresses about the Spouse coming home and sometimes that it happens too early -- that we NEED the separation to help to get things back on track.

Do they mention separated but living under the same roof? I know in many ways it's "not as effective" but financially it's all we can do, unless we take the next step and sell the house, which I dont want to do but if we have to....

[Lyrael]

Hey, Bill - where is that quote from "I'm not sick, but I'm not well" - isn't that a song? It's gonna bug me all day. Lol - that has got to be so hard - "separated" but still living together. If my husband hadn't had a pseudo-apartment (I say pseudo because it needs a LOT of remodelling before it would actually be liveable), we wouldn't have been able to live separately because we wouldn't be able to afford it.
As for separation being needed - I totally believe that if we had tried to just "stick it out, " nothing would change and we would still be doing more of the same. My husband's leaving was the shock it took for me to really get help with what I needed to change in myself. I firmly believe that I am a stronger, wiser, and definitely more independent woman because of what's happened with he and I. He did what he thought was necessary for all three of us (me, S, and himself) to survive. Him leaving stopped the war - it was like a ceasefire. We wouldn't be where we are now if he hadn't left.
Betsey said something in her thread or someone else's to the effect that "the person we have the most trouble with will end up being our greatest teacher" (or something like that). My husband, and this situation, have taught me so much. A marriage that neither of us was sure should have happened at all became something to fight for, something that neither of us wanted to lose. I didn't realize how not committed I was until I thought I was going to lose him.
I had no idea what marriage was all about. But I do now - and I know I want to keep mine.

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

You've got it, by golly!

And it will help you stay focused. Let your H and your experience help you along...

Pretty soon, you'll be able to hide in closets and make him laugh...

I can't take credit for the saying, however. My spiritual medium friend shared that with me over a year ago. It sort of fits in with the Buddhist lifestyle in the saying:

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

I wanted to sign up for the class online, but was not permitted... So the long and the short of it are that we're all living proof of this very truth.

Hugs,

Betsey

[ObiWan]

As for separation being needed - I totally believe that if we had tried to just "stick it out, " nothing would change and we would still be doing more of the same. My husband's leaving was the shock it took for me to really get help with what I needed to change in myself. I firmly believe that I am a stronger, wiser, and definitely more independent woman because of what's happened with he and I. He did what he thought was necessary for all three of us (me, S, and himself) to survive. Him leaving stopped the war - it was like a ceasefire. We wouldn't be where we are now if he hadn't left.

well each sitch is different - it didnt take her moving out but it took
1 - first bump - I want a divorce
2 - second bump - infidelity and pregnancy

I've been DB'ing since about 2 weeks after #2

So I was looking for other people's opinion on wether or not a sep was a key ingredient in their dynamic

As for the song, harvey danger - "flagpole sitta" - I think it may have been used in one of the American Pie movies...

[Meredith]

Whether or not separation is a key factor really does depend on not only the sitch, but the personalities of the people involved in the marriage.

For instance, had I been the one to walk out of the door I don’t think my husband would have been overly receptive to me walking back though it. The fact that it was HIM who walked was the key to my sitch. Let me explain.

My name is Meredith and I am a crazymaker. I create chaos in order to create order. I seek and destroy anything and anyone in my path that may hinder my goal in keeping this life neat and tidy and I am in control at all times. Any questions? This was the Meredith of September…

Had we been separated under the same roof, I would have sought out fights so easily. I would have the ability to snoop to my hearts content and I would have found far too much information. I would have played as many trumps as I could have (reneging most of them, just to stay in control) and I’d be fighting to win. When H walked out, no one was playing the game with me anymore so I could put down my cards and relax. By the time I read DR, I had been separated for about 6 months.

The separation gave me the time to read all the books I needed to, to practice these new techniques from afar, to get to know myself and feel comfortable spending time alone with ME, and probably most importantly – to avoid the interactions with H when I didn’t have my emotions under control. Anger management didn’t happen overnight, and I needed the time to collect my emotions and work through them before speaking to H. Thank God for caller ID.

Another benefit to my separation was that I dispelled a lot of the fears I had surrounding divorce. I know now that I CAN do this. My house is running smoothly, my bills are paid, there is food in the pantry and by God – I’m doing okay. Once the fear was dispelled, I could quit concentrating on that. The less fear - the greater the PMA, the greater the PMA - the more Bob Barker can emerge, more Bob appears - the less the alien appears…getting my drift??

So, it worked for us. I needed a time out. I do hope that my husband will come home, and I really do hope that it is in the fairly near future. But the comforting factor about my sitch is that the old way wasn’t working, I have a way that works for me better than the old one did, and if he doesn’t come home I’ll survive.

That is NOT to say that this is the key for everyone…not only is every sitch different, but the PEOPLE in those sitches make the difference. My personality may not be yours, and your wife’s may not be my husbands. You have to weigh all of the odds…including your son’s. Selling the home may not be the best plan for you – because it would add more chaos to your son’s world.