Wow, I am overwhelmed by the kind words, guidance and advice. Sincerely grateful that so many of you here can help be my “shore line” when I am drifting and lost.
Val – you are correct in your assessment that there are still moments where my decisions and actions are somewhat guiding by fears. As she was living here, I found myself getting over it to a certain degree….speaking out more, be honest with feelings. For example, in a perplexed moment she said it always seems like I get bummed out when she makes plans with her friends some nights. I told her that that is true, but it’s not because I am angry – but rather I miss the time with her when she was gone. That honesty actually resulted in positive results. Still, when things go sideways (like now) fear does take hold again. I am working on pushing through it.
Accuray – I think that I am making a sincere effort to drop the rope while she is out of town. I really have no intentions of reaching out It’s a start, but it the past it has been the right thing for me to do. As far as OM goes, maybe I have my head buried in the sand, but if one exists she has done a masterful job concealing it. She often states in casual conversation that during her period alone there was no one….no one hitting on her…no one she went on dates with – and so on. I want to believe that, but of course that’s because I WANT to believe that. Rather, I think her remarks about feelings are comparative – but more about some internal expectation that she has to automatically feel a certain way and if it’s not there something is wrong. Regrettably, I do not agree but as you said – I can’t make her want this.
25 – as usual, you make complete sense to me. I guess the problem is, I’m not sure if xw can differentiate between what’s a frustrating moment or habit and what would be detrimental to our relationship. Right now I think it’s like a PTSD situation when a recent combat vet hears a car backfire and drops to the ground for cover. Anything that even REMOTELY looks or feels like “old” me it a firm indicator that we are heading down the same route and the urge to flee arises. Even though she KNOWS I am a different person these days. She has articulated as much.
To answer you question “why did she bring those things to the house if she knew she was leaving two days later”…..eff if I know. I honestly do NOT think she was planning on leaving two days prior. Hell….8 HOURS prior. I really think that it was an emotional, somewhat split-second decision in the moment. Hopelessness hit her and she believed that was what she needed to do.
Yes, it IS her emotional “stuff” to own and all I can do is calm down and temper my reactions. (Where can I buy these libido pills you speak of??). Truthfully, 25 – the sex was different…better…more passionate (not to get all SM34 on you guys). I felt that was a good sign…was I wrong? What does this mean for feelings??
To your point, I too have a hard time reconciling all of the positives she said about me against her claim of “feelings not being where they needed to be”. I don’t see how that works. It’s almost as if she SEES it all, but is terrified to open her heart back up for fear of landing where we once were. She said on Sunday that her heart still feels closed from all we went through and she doesn’t want to force it open or force her feelings.
I guess I was so stoked when she wanted to move back on a trial basis that I dropped my shields. She really actually pushed for us trying it. Maybe it was a bad idea in the absence of simultaneous counseling. You say let her fear losing me….but really, would she? Would someone who so quickly ejects from someone fear LOSING that person, too?? Part of me feels that there would be a sense of relief on her part if I just gave up. Maybe I’m wrong…..maybe I am being too hard on myself in light of recent events.
You said I need to make sure that she realizes this is a choice…leaving is a choice….love is a choice….opening your heart is a choice. But how? How does one do that? I have said it before to her, but I don’t think it resonates.
I have a deep well of unconditional love for that woman. By now she MUST be aware of that – how could she not be? And I have a bottomless well of love for our son. I feel like that would be so hard to find out there. Hell, my single female friends TELL me it is barely out there at all. Why then does it seem so easy for her to turn her back on?
AS – You hit the nail painfully on the head. As much as I wanted to fight it you are right….I DID develop expectations. I think when she sorta pushed to move back, then started moving stuff in, then started making long to mid-range plans it happened. I allowed it to happen. I needed to believe so badly that she was here for good I lost focus and got attached….codependent. I say that because now I am feeling those emotional pains when someone leaves. You pinned me to the wall with your post. In the midst of my up and down feelings these days I need to find “neutral” Crimson again. Thank you for the insight.
Mach – As has been the case with most things – I think this was a 100% emotional decision for her. I think in times of fear or uncertainty (which, justifiably, she has) she turns to her emotions or what she calls her “gut instinct” or “vibes” to guide her. Sad thing is that with many (including myself) those things are often just the manifestation of our own beliefs and decisions that we attribute to some divine intervention. Does that make sense?
