Looking at everything we have been addressing in therapy, my C, while cautious to not 'diagnose' him, is definitely leaning towards him being high functioning with BPD tendancies. The question I am dealing with now is how I want to live my life from this point forward? Do I want to be walking on eggshells with him so I don't trigger a response? Do I want to constantly be dealing with some manifested drama? Do I want to be the one that has to hold everything together and know that I may not be able to rely on him to carry me when I need to be able to lean on someone else?
Looking back over our relationship, this is what I have been dealing with. Co-dependence. Eggshells. Altering my behavior to make his life easier. And that's fine when there is an equal balance. But there isn't. And I'm tired. The whole thing is overwhelming.
We are still in C. I haven't made any decisions either way yet. I'm still in my own self discovery phase. I am just know realizing how much his A impacted me emotionally, how it stirred the pot of regressed anger that had been pushed down deep inside, remnants of my childhood sexual abuse. My H's A triggered the feelings of betrayal of a trusted loved one on the most primal of levels for me.
I do love him. and that's what makes all of this so hard. And that's why I am not making any decisions but just keep working on myself and working together in C.
