Husband has one foot out the door!

[chasingpavements]

Also.... the summer is approaching quickly and I am wondering what people do in the situation where you are on the verge of separating and friends and family still think you are together. I am starting to have to make excuses for why my hubby is absent from family gatherings and that sort of thing. My dad had a bbq on the weekend and my husband stayed home. I told my family he had too much work to do around the house that he couldn't make it. I do not feel like telling any friends or family what is going on with my marriage (unless something permanent happens like he moves out). At the same time, people are going to start to wonder why he is not coming along with me anymore.

[chasingpavements]

I am trying so hard to do my own thing and give him space.. Which is so hard since I have been the initiator of everything for 13 yrs. So now since I have stopped initiating things, our house is so quiet and now more than anything we feel more like roommates. I guess the hope for all of us is that eventually they will be the ones to reach out for us?

[ALF213]

Hi H61. Thanks for stopping my sitch and the support!

I can relate to being the initiator. I feel like I am constantly in the dark with were my W stands because she doesn't talk about her feelings...or so I thought. By backing off she has come to me twice in the last two weeks to say she was having a bad day. She cried a little both times, which is also rare for her during our relationship.

I'm not saying this is right for your sitch, but by backing off, it allowed my W to come to me. I never really gave her the chance to come to me before. First sign of sadness and I was asking her what was up. Now when I see it, I ignore it, and eventually she has come to me. Do something different. Its worth a try!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Alf, yes the very hardest part of this for me is the uncertainty of not knowing where we stand, what we are going to do, and what the future holds. I am still in shock over all of this, even though I have known his feelings since Feb. You just think you know someone and it turns out maybe you don't. I am feeling so angry towards him right now, but I am trying to give him space and keep doing my 180s, it has only been a week that I have been doing the 180s. Like Michele said in the book, if it ain't working, try something new, because obviously the old way wasn't working.

I had a better day today.. I feel best when i keep busy. I went for a walk and that helped. I still get this heavy feeling in my chest, and feels like there is a lump in my throat... His sadness as well as the situation is making me feel down right now, which is hard because I am raising 3 little children, and my hubby seems to be in his own world right now, it seems.

[mizjjd]

yes the very hardest part of this for me is the uncertainty of not knowing where we stand, what we are going to do, and what the future holds.

I'd say this is the number one complaint from most on this board!

And because we can't know the future of our M, we are advised to work on what is more knowable, ourselves.

But I so very much hear you HWY, this is very very hard to deal with. That feeling of "shock" will start to wear away, and "since Feb" is not really that long, so give yourself a break I think you are doing well!

Do give things a long while to determine if they are "working". The quote below is from MWD and here is the link to the source page
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2201122#Post2201122

So, why haven’t you seen change in your marriage yet? Let’s take a look at a few possible reasons.

You Haven’t Given a Method Sufficient Time to Work Before Trying Something Else

It is often the case that, if a technique doesn’t yield immediate results, people jump ship too quickly. Although this is completely understandable, it’s unproductive. It’s my experience that you should probably stick with something for at least a couple of weeks unless it is clear that you are getting negative results. Then, of course, you should quit immediately. But don’t let your impatient get in the way of your being systematic about improving your marriage. You need to give things a chance to work.

This is especially true if you and your spouse are separated and you don’t have much contact. In that case, even if the method you’re using is going to be effective, it will definitely take longer to show positive results than it would if the two of you were together. Your spouse simply doesn’t have enough opportunities to witness you changing. So, don’t get discouraged and start trying a little of this and a little of that. If you do, you won’t really get a true reading about the effectiveness of any technique.

Have a great day!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks! I am feeling great this morning, the sun is shining, the kids are having breakfast on the deck, and I feel better.

Last night was funny.. he was acting curious toward me, which I haven't seen in years. I went for a walk and he was asking me all about it, showing interest. He asked if on the weekend I had told any of my family about what was going on between us, and I simply said, "no." And it seemed he was looking at me, wanting to talk about it but I didn't say anything. I am weary about talking about the relationship, I am going to wait for him to initiate. I guess I am worried he is going to say, "I'm outta here!"

It's funny, in a way, my doing the 180s is turning me into HIM! (his personality). I guess because our personalities are opposite. I would like to have him pursue me for once instead of vice versa. When we first met he was intrigued by me, and found me mysterious, so perhaps I am on the right track.

[chasingpavements]

The worst part is that I am thinking he is biding his time, by staying around the house only to get his finances/etc. in order.
Although a few have mentioned that I am lucky that he is still at home, so I am trying to see that as a positive thing. I know I am better off to not confront him about it... but it is SO hard! In a way I feel like confronting him because I am trying to protect myself so I do not get hurt anymore, if he is planning on leaving anyhow.

[JRG]

The worst part is that I am thinking he is biding his time, by staying around the house only to get his finances/etc. in order.
Although a few have mentioned that I am lucky that he is still at home, so I am trying to see that as a positive thing. I know I am better off to not confront him about it... but it is SO hard! In a way I feel like confronting him because I am trying to protect myself so I do not get hurt anymore, if he is planning on leaving anyhow.

I fully understand the protecting yourself thing, but if he really IS confused, confrontation could push him in the direction of leaving.

[chasingpavements]

JRG.. if it wasn't for this forum I think I would've confronted him already, but with all the support I've been given, I am trying to stay strong. So I guess if I feel like doing something I'll regret, I'll just vent on here! lol. We have a lot at stake, with our beautiful children, and our relationship. I still love him. This forum has been a big help for me, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through

[mizjjd]

In a way I feel like confronting him because I am trying to protect myself so I do not get hurt anymore,

This would be acting out of fear. And think about it, would it guarantee that you wouldn't get hurt anymore?

I understand concern about your finances. One of the best things you can do to protect yourself is to consult an attorney. This of course does not mean at all that you would have to file, but an attorney can offer you knowledge, which is power, and legal protection.

Emotional protection, that comes from YOU. Be nice if Amazon carried it, but no dice lol. You protect yourself by detaching, GALing, doing 180s.

You're doing good HWY. But, I sense you have an attitude of "waiting", and that can be dangerous. Sort of like you're holding your breath, or walking on eggshells, hoping this will make him stay. That's ok in the beginning, but what you want to work toward is becoming so whole and healthy that you feel ok whether he stays or not.

Do consider getting professional advice regarding finances. And come up with a plan of sorts. So that you KNOW you will be ok no matter what. Doesn't mean you wouldn't be BETTER if he stays, but you'll be ok either way. This will take some of your panic away, and panic often leads us to making poor choices.

Keep up the good work!!