Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

It sounds as though you and your H are just wired differently.

I, too, grew up as the oldest of 3 with no time to be by myself, but crave it now. My H also MUST have alone time to decompress. It's become imperative in taking care of a little girl who is developmentally disabled.

From my helicopter, I just see that your forest is riddled with trees that represent misunderstandings.

Michele makes some great points on this very topic in her books and the video tapes... about the fact that we each have unique needs and deserve to have them met.

It's easy to feel resentful of those needs when we're not taking care of ourselves first.

I'll bet if you were to ask him if it was okay to go hang out with a bunch of chatty girlfriends while he watched your S or made arrangements for childcare, you would be a little more amenable to seeing things from his side.

Have you read Mars/Venus by John Gray yet? If not, I think it would really help clarify some of this stuff for you.

Relax... no deal breakers here.

Bets

[ObiWan]

Even if he was boinking the daylights out of some little hoochie, I couldn't do anything about it. That makes me crazy! But odds are, he probably isn't.

goal for tomorrow - stop crazymaking. Identify when you're running around in a mental circle and "change the subject" with yourself. It gets easier each time (thought you will sometime slip).

goal 2 for tomorrow - I will keep track of each time I want to call him, and call him every other time. I will set a limit to how many times I will call him before he has to call me back (how about 2)

You're doing the right thing, just keep tabs on driving yourself nuts. If he really did something bad, that's one thing, but a LOT of what you're feeling seems to be your second guessing him and yourself.

change the channel

[Lyrael]

Bill, thanks for the advice. It's good to have an honest opinion, especially from a male perspective. I need to mosey over to your thread to post...omw! I will update you on the progress on the goals (that every other time I want to call is genius, btw
Thanks,
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

well it's easier to give a report from the helicopter when you dont really know the person, but care about the outcome. As for the "ever other time" - it's easier if you can quantify something that defies measurement, hence the "every other time" and "but no more than 2" - numbers are easy to track.

hang in there.

[Lyrael]

Okay - totally ripping off Bill's goals fo rme today -
1: Working on thought-stopping and mentaly "changing the subject."
2: Keep track of how many times I want to call him and call him every other time (I am interested in tracking how many times the urge comes up and how many urges I can resist before I call him).
3: Take a mental step back when I start getting irritated - I think I need a code word for myself when I can feel the temper getting out of hand, and an innocuous phrase I can use to buy myself time in conversations. Any suggestions?
Heading back to Bill's thread...
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay - totally ripping off Bill's goals for me today -
1: Working on thought-stopping and mentally "changing the subject."
2: Keep track of how many times I want to call him and call him every other time (I am interested in tracking how many times the urge comes up and how many urges I can resist before I call him).
3: Take a mental step back when I start getting irritated - I think I need a code word for myself when I can feel the temper getting out of hand, and an innocuous phrase I can use to buy myself time in conversations. Any suggestions?
Heading back to Bill's thread...
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

a phrase I have been using for a while to buy a few seconds, and at the same time is
"I see your point" and "I understand your point" - it's not saying I agree but buys me a few seconds, and also throws a dollop of validation back on her, which can't hurt.

This is of course for phone/ in person conv. Email it's more a changing channel thing....

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

I don't think anyone, including Bill, cares if you borrow some goals. We're all in this together.

The word that you choose to stop something should mean something to YOU. Therefore, it has to be noticeable enough for you to stop to think.

I'm going to hate saying this, but there are times when I have to conjure a face of someone who I don't want to be like. 99% of the time, my MILs face appears.

It's enough to scare the bejesus out of me and give me a horrible visual and stops me dead in my tracks.

I hope this helps. AND I hope you have great PMA today! Stay out of dressing room stalls!

Hugs,

Betsey

[Lyrael]

Okay - breathing in and out...shaking a little.
I resisted 6 urges to call Dustin (I seriously only call him once an afternoon -it's just fighting off the initial urge that's a problem). As dumb as it is, I tracked the intensity (1-10) of the urges, too. I was fine until it hit about a 7. Well, at exactly 2:11pm (quit laughing), I finally gave in and called him, and was really pleasant and upbeat. I was a little Bob Barker-ish - I'm learning. I asked him how he was feeling, how he slept. He seemed preoccupied, but I didn't take offense and get whiny/angry, I stayed pleasant. Sometimes he just isn't in the mood to talk on the phone.
I wanted to say something about him coming to see our son, but I didn't want to be pushy.
So I said (I can't remember exact wording here) in a light and airy tone "I wondered if you were still planning on coming to see S tonight." He said that, yes, he was. I reminded him S goes to bed at eight (I prolly shouldn't have said that). I told him to call me when he was ready to come, and he said that he sure would, and we hung up. It was odd to have such a polite conversation when I felt so insecure inside.
I sat and thought for a couple minutes, then sent him an IM that said "If I don't hear from you, can I call you after 6:30 to see where you're at (work-wise, I meant), so I know how to structure the Munchkin's evening? (Dinner, bath, and so forth). He was totally okay with that, but I wish I could be less of a weenie and just leave it up to him to call or not. He usually does when he says he is going to.
So, what do you guys think? It was a modest succcess for me. I am going to continue keeping track of my urges and how intense they are - it's easy to resist when I acknowledge they're there. Do you think I should cook tonight and make up a plate for him to take with him or eat when he gets there? The stop by the grocery store would keep me busy until at least 6:30, and the cooking would after that.
I took myself out to lunch today, so I'm not very hungry, but he might be! I don't know. Maybe he would think it was stupid that I saved some food for him.
Lemme know, guys,
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

I hope it went well. I say you did very well, up until 1 point - so you get 10 points for part 1, and lose 2 for part 2

I reminded him S goes to bed at eight (I prolly shouldn't have said that). I told him to call me when he was ready to come, and he said that he sure would, and we hung up. It was odd to have such a polite conversation when I felt so insecure inside.

1 - you set boundaries - very good
2 - you were able to get thru it and put up a cheery front at a bad time - also very good

I sat and thought for a couple minutes, then sent him an IM that said "If I don't hear from you, can I call you after 6:30 to see where you're at (work-wise, I meant), so I know how to stcucture the Munchkin's evening?

ok maybe only minus 1 pt - you had sort of agreed on that on the phone (sort of) so the IM was pushing it, but you probably would have said that on the phone if you had stayed on.

Ok grasshopper you get a 9/10. Next time only the phone or IM (dont worry I am a hypocrite I did the same thing last night - got off the phone then txt messaged something else). Resist and let go.

You did well. I hope your evening proved this too.