The fact that someone we love with all our heart is in so much emotional pain that they have gone bananas, but we can do nothing to help them, is one of the hardest thing about MLC, in my opinion. To have someone you devoted your life to turn against you for no reason, whew, that hurts. But I'm still holding on to hope for you my Portia. I hope he walks thru that open door. I'm allowed to have expectations on your behalf, just not my own
Hi Portia. I think you did well with the contact. When attempting to rebuild a connection, I normally would advise no question(s), as that begs for a reply, which when the receiving partner wants out of the relationship, could be seen as pressure. But you questioned with wit and levity, so that cancels any pressure out, I think.
I too agree with Scott and Linda that even a neutral response like the one he gave is a good thing. Remember, he thinks he's done, so you're not going to get a wonderful loving response. My goal would be to maintain a connection without pursuing, and slowly build on it.
I'd continue to do this until I didn't want to/couldn't any longer. Only then would I go NC. No playing mind games with my life partner for me. I know others see it differently, but there you have my take on it.
One thing's for sure... if neither of you contacts the other, then it's over for sure. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"I too agree with Scott and Linda that even a neutral response like the one he gave is a good thing. Remember, he thinks he's done, so you're not going to get a wonderful loving response. My goal would be to maintain a connection without pursuing, and slowly build on it.
I'd continue to do this until I didn't want to/couldn't any longer. Only then would I go NC. No playing mind games with my life partner for me. I know others see it differently, but there you have my take on it.
One thing's for sure... if neither of you contacts the other, then it's over for sure. Bust On!
Forever is advising the same thing as Scout did in that quote you copied, Portia. I'm sort of clueless, and running on emotions, which is NOT a good thing when dealing with MLC, but I trust FY, and Scout made SO much sense. Hang in there! It's not over until YOU decide you're done.
I'm almost finished with that book you recommended, The Affair. I'm up to part three, the story told from the viewpoint of the mistress. Her words to Robert are the EXACT same words the Tramp uses to my H. You make me feel foolish, you're weak and afraid, you've got to make a decision now or I'm finding a new boyfriend. I knew MLCers have predictable scripts they follow, but it seems the OW do too! Who knew?!!
To have someone you devoted your life to turn against you for no reason, whew, that hurts. But I'm still holding on to hope for you my Portia. I hope he walks thru that open door. I'm allowed to have expectations on your behalf, just not my own
Hi Linda, I agree. Not only does it hurt but we must reconcile ourselves to WHY? WHY do we, who were once the centre of their life, become nothing? Or worse than nothing, someone to be avoided?
And thank you. I have not heard from him since my last text but maybe one day he will respond. Only time will tell.
Interesting read, isn't it? Especially all of the "signs" that he W starts to see and wonder why she didn't notice sooner.
Originally Posted By: mizjjd
I don't know what to say. I wish I knew a magic word or two to make this easier for you.
Guess I'll just send some (((hugs)))
Just you stopping by MizJ, is great. To have people understand and empathize with me has been worth more than I can ever repay.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I too agree with Scott and Linda that even a neutral response like the one he gave is a good thing. Remember, he thinks he's done, so you're not going to get a wonderful loving response. My goal would be to maintain a connection without pursuing, and slowly build on it.
Hi FY, what you say absolutely makes sense. I never went NC to play games. It was for me and it was good for me. I like that both you and Linda think that a response was a positive thing, even as detached as it was. And he responded twice.
I don't know when I or if I will initiate contact with him again. We are so far apart, those texts were our contact over a two month period, he barely responded, I am certain the GF is still there, there does not seem to be any indication that he is anything but done with me and although we are used to being physically apart we have not seen each other in seven months (longest ever), it feels more right to me that I work on me and work on letting go and being done. Perhaps if I felt any encouragement or friendliness from him or there wasn't a GF.
I am wondering FY - when and what would you suggest my next contact be, if I am so inclined?
Portia, If you opt to contact him again, I would wait and wish him a nice 4th of July. Very simple and a nice gesture.
What I think is going on right now is if the GF is back in the picture, he's getting his ego kibbles from her full time. Nothing has rocked his boat right, so he doesn't feel the need to contact you to get those additional kibbles. You were always there ready to listen and provide the support he needed and trust me, he'll be there again when his world gets rocky. The question is...will you be there?
Portia, please do not put your life on hold or wait for him. If he is truly meant to be w/you and he wakes up and realizes that he wants to be w/you, then he'll had to do some major paddling to catch up w/you. He's the one that has to earn your trust back big time. For now, Portia, live your life to the fullest. Time stands still for no one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, just catching up on your thread… I think you did good with the text message. And you didn’t get a negative response. This is great. A few months ago I purchased the e-book on how to test your ex back. I will dig it out and see what they recommend to do next. I remember that the book suggests to wait for a month or two (which you did!) and then start with a simple text (which you did!) Jagging by the fairly quick response you’ve got, your SO has been probably thinking about you.
I completely agree with what ForeverYoung suggested. Approach it slowly. You can also have a little fun with it.
BTW, I’m also a Pink Floyd fan, so is my H. It is funny, that after reading some of the posts here I realized now applicable some of the lyrics are to my H right now. Who knows, maybe this is also what he felt all his adult life, this is why he is such a big fan. I was a fan of a music first, before I could understand the lyrics (English is not my first language.)
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Portia, I don't believe there are any hard or fast rules as to when to reach out again. Every sitch is different, and you know your's much better than we do. The only time you must not reach out, is if he gives you the brush off, which he clearly did not do.
Just keep any contact light and friendly. Avoiding asking any questions at this delicate time. This relieves him of any pressure to respond. Keep plenty of time between contact: this keeps you out of the pursuing role. Then, if he does respond, you'll know there is still something there.
I couple of ideas would be to send him a link to an article you thought he might like, or tell him about something going on in your life, or something you found funny. "I thought you might be interested in this..."
If he replies, gradually build on it. If he doesn't, give him more time.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Portia, please do not put your life on hold or wait for him. If he is truly meant to be w/you and he wakes up and realizes that he wants to be w/you, then he'll had to do some major paddling to catch up w/you. He's the one that has to earn your trust back big time. For now, Portia, live your life to the fullest. Time stands still for no one.
I totally agree with this. The better life you make for yourself without him, the more attractive you will become to him. Our partners know us like a book... they can tell if our "GAL" is real or fake. You have to make it real!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, Thank you for answering my question. I know that you are "pro-contact", so I was curious to know at what point contact initiated by me was pursuing. Bright (isn't Pink Floyd great?), I would be curious to know what the book says about this.
Snodderly asked a great question: Will I be there if/when he contacts me.
The most recent contact has actually had the effect of pushing me forward. Prior to contacting him, I had deluded myself into believing that the reason he wasn't contacting me was because I was not contacting him. And then, when he responded with what I felt was a brush off, reality finally hit me.
And so my next text was a goodbye. He responded to that one a little better asking me how I was. I replied but there has been no response.
I know that the fact he replied is considered a positive but I still feel that those replies were polite but uninterested replies. I was not expecting loving and warm at all, just not sooo uninterested. Maybe though my expectations were too high, after all I was comparing his response to one that he may have given before we imploded.
The result of that experiment is that I do not really want to initiate contact with him again. At least not for a long time. When I feel the time is right. I do not want to chase; I would like him to want to talk to me.
I seem "comfortably numb" with it all, really. He did not care to keep me. I am finally at the point where I feel there is nothing left that I can do for "us". There is no "us".
If he contacts me, in answer to Snodderly's question, whenever that may be, yes, I will be there as a friend at the very least. That is just the way I am made. It is difficult to reach out to someone, so I would not make that hard. Will I want a relationship in that time? IDK, I guess it depends where I am in all this.
Clearly, wherever he is in his journey, I am not being asked along.
There are lots of things on my TO DO list. I intend to get them done.
