Thanks Linda, AS, jp, and SA! It means so much. You have all given me lots to think about. I am sooo holding onto that image Linda of how he will feel. But according to H this isn't about money they are meant to be together. GAG....and AnotherStander~~ you are so right!! H thinks that all I am doing are tricks to get him back or as he keeps saying over and over "ulterior motives" which I think those words are coming from JW as I don't think he knows what they mean. I like the responses you gave me to say to H.
jp~~ I will try taking a walk or something. If I go somewhere in the house he just follows me. I think he does like seeing how I react. SA~ I was wondering about the boundary thing and if it would work against me but I just cannot handle the "girlfriend" talk. It just hurts so much. I can't imagine ever getting an apology from H. H thinks he has done nothing wrong and he is finally free and getting to live the life he deserves. Your words all mean so very much. Just the fact that you check in on me makes me cry... You are all such wonderful people andi count you all when I count my blessings. Have a peaceful day.
Gag is right Limbo! I talked to my DB coach this morning and have not had a chance to process all the stuff he told me yet, but I posted some advice on my thread that he gave me about how to handle the stupid statements our MLCers make, specifically how to handle it when they talk about their OP. I was going to copy and paste it here for you, but it's pretty long. Okay, one of my 180s is to stop being so indecisive LOL! Here is it, I hope it helps you!
Chuck said that a MLCer will test his or her spouse, and knows just how to push their buttons over and over. He said to think back on previous R talks and other conversations, especially if the MLCer suddenly does or says something mean right after a positive interaction. We should note exactly what the MLCer said to push our buttons, and prepare to do something different than how the MLCer expects us to react after his nasty remark.
He said that the MLCer has decided exactly how things will go in his or her mind due to the rewriting of the marital history and previous Our-R talks. Having a positive interaction makes the MLCer feel vulnerable because it has stirred up positive feelings he did not expect to ever feel again.
Chuck asked me to give him some examples of times my H pushed my buttons, and I gave two -- the other day when H gave me a hug goodnight, and I hugged him back. H immediately said "good night sis." Chuck asked how I would have normally responded to something like this, and I said I would have been a bit petulant, and said something like "I'm your wife not your sister, H." Chuck said to be a little ray of sunshine instead, and be calm, kind, respectful and confident, and just say goodnight dear.
The other example was my H saying he's going to Moscow or telling me other good things about the Russian Tramp, such as she is better for him and she is truly is in love with him. Chuck said even though statements like these HURT, continue to be kind, respectful, calm and confident, my H EXPECTS a negative reaction.
Chuck said that the Tramp (or any other OP) is just a fantasy. If we say something negative about the MLCer's fantasy, he must defend the fantasy. So NEVER say anything negative, and even say something positive. I asked him for an example, and he suggested:
"I'm not happy you are in this relationship, but I can understand why you feel that way if she treats you so well." Or "Who can blame you? I don't like it, but who can blame you if you found someone who treats you like a prince?"
After a statement like this, since the MLCer has not been forced to defend his OP, he will be able to see her more clearly. Since the OP is generally a flawed crazy person herself, the OP is usually NOT treating the MLCer like a prince. So the MLCer will mentally compare how the OP treats him with what he deserves (prince-like treatment).
You know that the JW is not treating your H well, she is expecting him to pay for everything and won't leave her own H for him. Chuck's advice should help you too! The IF is important in the statement. We should not stress IF, but it is important because that is what will make him think.
Hi Linda and Bluedown. Thanks for checking in with me. Oh Linda ~~thanks for sharing all that info with me. I just keep reading it over and over. It makes so much sense and I need to remember it. I am not sure how I am doing Blue...I am trying so very hard to be strong and stand for our M. I have been doing lots of reading and praying today and that helps. Thanks for asking. How are you feeling?? Like Scarlett O'Hara would say....tomorrow is another day. Another day for me to get stronger and be able to do this
"Oh Linda ~~thanks for sharing all that info with me. I just keep reading it over and over. It makes so much sense and I need to remember it.
Like Scarlett O'Hara would say....tomorrow is another day. Another day for me to get stronger and be able to do this :)"
La di dah, la di dah! Unfortunately, I shall get a chance to try Chuck's scripts out sooner than expected Limbo, as my H is checking prices on flights to Moscow right now! Yikes. Deep breath!
It made a lot of sense to me too, and I'll let you know how it goes.
Linda~~ you stand strong and know that I am here. YOU GOT THIS!! Just because he is checking doesn't mean he will actually do it. We have no idea what they will do from minute to minute and apparently they do not either. Deep breaths and happy face on my friend
Oh Blue I am so sorry you are hurting. I know that pain and it just takes over. Try and not focus on regrets. I know it is hard but you had lots of happy times too ~~they are just hard to remember when the pain is so intense. And your M has 2 people in it so DO NOT put all the blame on just you. Sending you many hugs and know you are in my prayers. Go take a walk and feel some sunshine on your face. I am here if you need me. Hang in there.
"Linda~~ you stand strong and know that I am here. YOU GOT THIS!! Just because he is checking doesn't mean he will actually do it. We have no idea what they will do from minute to minute and apparently they do not either. Deep breaths and happy face on my friend "
You're right Limbo. But.....he has always wanted to visit Russia, and now has a build in tour guide/sex partner in the little Tramp. He's told me there is no way he can get a green card for her even if he does divorce me and marry her, but I'm thinking he won't bother letting her know that little fact until AFTER this conjugal visit. My expectations are in the cellar, which I guess is where they are supposed to be.
Thanks for your support. How are you feeling today?
