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[Underdog]

Brannon,

Cadet is right - you'll get a lot more traffic if you move this over.

I don't hang out on the board much, but when I do, it's usually down in Surviving. But for some reason this one caught my eye.

You might want to rethink your goals, because those are goals you set for your W. I can promise you that whenever you attempt to control the process and outcome by projecting your wants on to your W, it's going to end badly.

But it's not very helpful to you if I come here to point this out and then walk away, is it? I was actually pretty good at this stuff, so I'll share some ideas with you. Yeah, I've been D for a long time now, but I am one of the lucky people who DB'd my a$$ off and wound up with a truly wonderful parenting relationship with my XH. He was my friend before we dated, and we're back to being friends. I give this process a lot of credit in helping me focus on the small successes.

I can guess why your W said some of the stuff she's said. I also get that you're a little panicky and not liking the loss of control. There is no magic bullet to get you back to where you want to be. The barn door opened, the animals have fled and there is NO returning to the place you were before. You can choose success regardless of the outcome.

That being said...

Short Term Goal #1 - Communicating with your W

Rather than you set the expectation that she change and do things your way, what happens when you communicate with her? Do your conversations tend to veer into forbidden territory? Do you focus on steering the conversation so that you either hear what you want to hear or avoid hearing what you don't?

I'd much rather have you reframe that goal into improving communications with your W. If you have the tendency to end your communications on a frustrated note (both you and her), I'd set THAT as a short term goal: End each conversation positively so that she doesn't feel she's living groundhog day with you every doggone time you talk or text.

I read loud and clear that she says you don't listen to her. So focus on doing that, and that alone. Do twice as much active listening as you do speaking. And if it's a serious discussion and the content bothers you? Rephrase what she said back to her. Show her you ARE listening. Got it?

Goals #2 and 3 are completely unreasonable and totally focused on what YOU want. I'm not saying that they aren't something you can hope for or shoot for in the long run. But you aren't going to cross the finish line if you can't learn how to participate in this race. It didn't deteriorate overnight, and it isn't going to magically improve overnight either.

Brannon, other than the communications what are the things that she has said that drove her away from you?

Listen, she may not give you a second chance. But the only way you're going to really get that shot is if you DO the work. She may have a hidden agenda. She may not. Her mind may be made up, but it may not be either.

What are you doing in the self care department? You don't want to be a spineless dolt and walk away with your masculinity between your legs, do ya? So definitely make sure you prioritize some fun and meaningful things for yourself.

And I'd love to read some better goals that focus on YOUR behaviors and thoughts.

In order to change the process, you have to change what's in your heart first. You have to change what you do and don't do, say and don't say.

One of the things that helped me the absolute most was keeping a solutions journal. That came from one of my sessions with Laurie, a DB coach (hopefully she's still there - she's awesome). I tracked our communications, took the temperature, jotted down anything noticeable and then used the journal to help drive my goals. It really helped me focus more on the behaviors that improved communications and helped me stop the ones that set us back. I got so good at it that I could see what buttons I pushed that set us back, and how long it would take to regain ground I lost as a result of my backslide. (Typically 2 weeks)

So just ask yourself if you continue to engage in those button pushing dances that get you nowhere, "Am I willing to give up 2 weeks of progress to do or say this?"

Personally, I'm not in the camp of becoming the person our spouse married. We all change with age. Hopefully, we grow. What is more useful is that she is open to the idea that you *can* change, you put your money where your mouth is, and she is open to entertaining the kind of man you could become. Of having the kind of marriage that sounds appealing instead of appalling. And in order to showcase those possibilities, you have to begin with YOU. Otherwise, she'll see this as an attempt to manipulate her into getting your way. Right now, she's not going to give you the benefit of the doubt, so just get to work.

And just so you know this, in case you haven't been willing to see it just yet, there is 100% certainty that she has behaviors that need to change too. You're not the total cause of this, Brannon. But until she has some sort of light bulb moment on her own, you're just going to have to carry on with a plan that takes care of your side of the street.

Does this make sense?

Good luck!

Betsey