My Story -- Heart Hurting

[Cianna]

Kaffe pointed me to your post.. our history is similar in time frames. My H and I have been together 18 years, our 15 wedding anniversary is in Sept.

The big difference for us is that our open R began the day we met. He introduced me into the world of swinging, and we came to poly together. We were the couple that talked about EVERYTHING. We always had our rules, and they changed over the years.. but, never with out long conversations about what would happen if they were broken.

Yes, you broke a cardinal rule. As for BDing, its fhe same as mono Ms. I can tell you that when my H broke our cardinal rule of unprotected sex, it was work to resolve it... but we always did.

Kaffe asked the most imprtant question; what do you want your M structure to look like if you can reconcile? What does she want? Are you truthfully going to be able to be happy with that? My H has chosen a mono relationship with his most recent GF. I am absolutely happy with a mono R, and am not dating at all. Its becoming clear that my M is over, but there is alot more damage done at rhis point than where you are at.

I can tell you, BE CAREFUL WITH COUNSELING. You must ensure that your C is supportive of poly Rs, as well as understands them. If you both decide thats not what you want, thats ok too, but a C that cant navigate that will make it a requirement.

Transpaerancy is important after breaking the trust. However, it has to go both ways. You will develop resentment of her if you dont feel she is being open with you.

There are a lot of people who dont fully understand open Rs. They think they can do it, and even get involved in it believing its all rainbows and sunshine. Obviously, its not, and its less about sex than it is about having real Rs with more than one person. Everyone must get along and have the "core" relationships health as a priority.

At one time I had actually come up with a theory on the whole thing... Everyone has a sexual orientation. I also believe that we are hardwired with Relationship Orientations. Some are strict Mono. Cant fathom even looking at another person in a nonplatonic way. Then there are the Dabblers. They will flirt, maybe even kiss.. nothing more.. The Swingers, or Players. They will have recreational sex with others, rarely repeat partners, and do not ever develop feelings for any other than their S. Then there are Poly. Poly people are really most happy with more than one R. Most poly people feel restricted and caged when they are in mono Rs. Like sexualy orientation, there are grey areas in between as well. I techinically am a Poly Gay. However, with my husband.. I am and can be mono het. I believe my husband to be VERY Poly Het. In all the years Ive been with him, when we close to resolve issues, he starts to become antsy, irritable. I know that he is also frustrated by societys view on Poly, and I think he may be choosing a Mono Het R now because he thinks it will be easier.

My cardinal mistake over the years was demanding that he break off his Rs to resolve our issues. It bred resentment over the years. It was always a rule, that we each had "veto power". If we felt the others Rs was threatening ours or their M, it would end. We didnt fully comprehend the resentment it would breed.

Feel free to ask questions. We had always thought we had this thing nailed down... I was even writing a book on it. However, the book now will likely be "What NOT to do." LOL