Hoping for WAS to come home

[JaxFL14]

Thanks everyone! I'll continue to work on myself, continue to detach and continue to have on expectations. One day at a time.

Me:33
W:32
S:5,4 and 8 months
BD:4-1-13
S: 5-3-13

[chasingpavements]

Hi Jax, just wanted to wish you the best! I, too, am in a similar situation. A few months ago I found out my husband has not loved me for 'years' and has been 'playing along'. Right now we are living in the same house, basically as room-mates, in the same "limbo" everyone on the forum has been mentioning. I have such worry that he is biding his time living in the house only to figure things out financially, and that we are just delaying the inevitable.

So now for us, I guess it is all about 'GAL', staying positive, keeping busy, and trying to not take anything negative they say personally. Good luck with everything, I am here for support if you need it! Have a good day.

[JaxFL14]

Highway,
Very sorry we meet in this situation. I think even though you are going through such pain I feel you have the advantage that he is still in the house for whatever his reasons are. Your DBing tatics will be noticed more I believe. I spent almost a month between my W dropping the bomb and her moving out doing EVERYTHING wrong. Begging, pleading, her knowing I had been crying, making her talk about everything... On and on. I wish for that time back. Now I only see her when we pass the kids back and fourth every couple days. Not leaving much time to see my changes besides my physical change. I wish I had read DB before she dropped the bomb. Lol. But don't we all. Good luck to you.

[JaxFL14]

Question for y'all. Since my W has moved out I have been giving her what I call child support due to the advice of a lawyer saying if you don't now and she goes through with the divorce you will owe back child support. I'm doing the right thing by giving it to her right? Not giving it would almost guarantee force her to file for D because she cant financial survive. I'm trying to avoid anything that forces her hand but don't want to appease her and make everything very easy for her. She mentioned the Internet saying I would owe her X amount which would def cripple me but she said she would never take that much. I told her I think those numbers are off due to we both have the 3 kids 50% of the time. I just don't want to be enabling her but also understand that the courts only care about her being able to support the kids. And it stinks to see her paying baby sitters with that money so she can go out with friends at night. I know, DETACH DETACH DETACH!!

[Verum]

Jax, If I understand correctly, your W moved out and you split the kids 50/50. First, I suggest that as long as you wish to reconcile and remain married, then you should support your W and kids -- BUT within reason. You should figure out a budget carefully and then review it with your wife, using Validations and good communication throughout.

About your W getting baby-sitters -- in some states I think D agreements usually include a "right of first refusal" that essentially says that if one parent has custody and needs babysitting, then they should first offer for the other parent to care for the kids before hiring a babysitter/daycare/etc.

So I think that a good budget, would not cover extensive babysitting so that your W can go out. If you have the kids 50% of the time, then she has those days/nights to go out.

[chasingpavements]

I agree with SailingAlone about the child support, that supporting her (within reason) would be the best solution.. you will have to act very carefully right now, because if you were to refuse her child support that would be used against you later.

[JaxFL14]

Thanks, I understand what y'all are saying and that's pretty much what I have been doing. Just got some pressure from friends and family who think its wrong to give her money before she actual files for D. To which I told them that trying to hurt her financially is not what I should/want to do if I want us to have a chance to rebuild. That would only push her away. As long as she isn't filing for D I feel she is giving us time. Whether her reasons for not are financial or laziness or whatever, it's giving us time to possibly rebuild. She also asked me today about the dates for our August trip back to her hometown. I had been struggling with what to do there as I posted a page back asking for help. She obviously wants to still go even though I know it's just because she feels no reason we can't be friends and still go on this trip. So as advised I'm gonna let her still come and just enjoy the company, keep it light and fun and have no expectations. And on the inside I'm hoping it can plant the tiniest seed of a chance to rebuild for us. Thanks for the help. I'll look to all of you for advice and encouragement through this and you all deliver every time.

M:33
W:32
S:5,4,8 months
Bd:4-1-13
W moved out 5-4-13
ILYBNILWU, WAS, no talks of trying to save relationship yet

[chasingpavements]

Have you talked with an attorney yet? You might want to, sometimes they offer a free initial consultation. That way you can figure out what you are entitled to do, financially.

[JaxFL14]

Highway,
Yes, I had a free consult and she gave me an idea of the range of chd support I would owe based on my W salery. The problem is that it was a large range due to I do not know exactly what she makes. My W owes her own business as of late last year and she uses the business and free lance hair services for her personal use. Hard to nail down actual income. The lawyer said the court would want all bank statements and figure all that out but of course I don't want it to get there. I simple told my W that we must sit down and talk about a fair number cause X are my bills and x is my income and as you can see there is not a ton left for me to give you. She said ok. Have not sat down to talk yet. She's paid for this month so will have to talk early next month. I had a moment of weakness today and asked her to have dinner with me on the 21st. She said sure. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't stop myself. That is the first time I've done that since BD on 4-1-13 so her saying sure maybe not a bad thing. I'll just keep it light and fun and have no expectations. Actually expecting some sort of cancelation. We shall see.

[JRG]

JRG,
How have things progressed for you since your W moved out a few months ago? Any progress?

Not really. We've actually been communicating less. She's not contacting me as much and I don't contact her too much (once a week at most). My thinking is that I need to give her more space than she needs...so that's what I'm doing. I still have no idea what's going on in her head.