Clear goals and a vision for the future

[ObiWan]

just remember that he wants to be there; dont overanalyze everything he says or does. If you feel the urge to say something come on, picture a stop sign in your head and pause 1 or 2 seconds, or say something completely non threatening while you catch your breath "oh, yes, no, really, etc)

[ObiWan]

so how'd it go?

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Shouldn't I just be able to stop crazymaking since I have realized that's what I'm doing?

Well, technically, yes. But it's a whole lot more complicated than just this. Now you need to devise some sort of stop sign or method to analyze before you embark on a crazymaking mission.

You've probably functioned like this for a very long time, if not, your entire lifetime. Changing behaviors AND thought patterns are going to be very tough--but DOABLE.

I am afraid that we are going to get in a fight like we almost did tonight because I am determined to feel rejected no matter what happens.

Case in point.

What can you do to take care of your own needs, Myrrh?

One of the many things I've learned over the past year is that resentment occurs when we are not practicing self care. In other words, you can't expect your H to look out for your needs.

Why not?

1. That's YOUR job.
2. He can't give you things that you should be giving yourself.

Feeling rejected happens when we don't see ourselves in a more esteemed light. This is one area where you need to figure out what is missing so you can correct this perception.

I will also share with you another observation I made--ironically, after I had chosen to stop heading down CRAZYMAKING AVENUE. The more I instigated negative conversations with Mr. W., the worse I felt about myself.

To me, it makes more sense to correct that behavior immediately. Seeing yourself as a person with some modicum of self-control with help fuel you along to make other changes.

I won't sugar coat this, Myrrh. Frankly, changing this part of me was the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was painful and humiliating to see myself from my husband's perspective.

The first rule in a 12 step program is to change the things we can and accept the things we can't--and pray for wisdom to know the difference.

You and I both know that you have what it takes to change. If I can do it, so can you.

Now how did your evening go last night? I do pray that it went well and without conflict.

Hugs,

Betsey

[Lyrael]

Betsey, Bill, and all,
The evening went pretty well, except for a somewhat intense discussion later. It actually happened because he wanted to be very loving, and I find it frightening when I don't know where I stand with someone and they want to get close to me. So maybe I started the discussion (it was NOT a fight), to keep H distanced from me a little.
I told him that because I needed to apply for assistance, if we were going to live apart indefinitely, we needed a formal separation agreement. He said he would rather just come home, but is scared we will fight (translation: he is scared I am going to chomp him into tiny fish pieces whenever he steps outside where I want him to be- an understandable fear). So, my goals need to be directed towards easing this fear of his. He is speaking of coming home as a definite plan, and I think my next actions will carry a lot of weight. So - back to basics. I am going to have a set of weekly goals, then smaller daily goals. I CAN DO THIS!
I can be a mature, self-controlled, strong woman through this incredibly tough situation. I can do it!
Sooo- weekly goals.
1: Take it one conversation at a time (this is a PMA oriented goal)-stop worrying about the big picture, and focus on really listening to what H is saying to me. This applies whether we are on the phone or in person.
2: Work on my Flylady missions - H doesn't give me a hard time about it, but I know he wants our home to be clean and comfortable, so he can have friends drop by and be proud of his wife and his home.
3: Work on developing a thought-stopping strategy for my crazymaking urges - I am open to any and all suggestions on this.
My goals for today are:
1: Call H and ask how his day is going and REALLY listen. Then ask him when it would be convenient for me to drop by and pick up the thing I need to get from him. Be polite and pleasant no matter WHAT he says or what I feel (that second is the hardest, really - he is very caring and understanding most of the time, truthfully). When I see him, get what I can for, give him a hug, tell him I hope he has a great night, and leave without being clingy or whiny.
3: Okay, I don't know what my first step is in figuring out thought-stopping - I guess I'll read up on what we have around here.

Thanks for input,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

What an AWESOME post! Your H wants to come home! Now you have the opportunity to put what you're learning into practice.

I like the goals... so please let us know how you maneuver through your goals for today.

GO YOU!

[Lyrael]

Eeck! A scary convo already -
I called H at about 1p to see when would be good for him to have me pick up the stuff I need.
Unfortunately, I tried to change the password to my gaming account last night because I got mad (which I did not take out on him, I took some time to cool off about what happened), and I forgot to change it before I came in to work back to what it was, so he can log into it.
Then I couldn't get it to work, so I called and asked him if he changed it back.
Not only did he not change it back, he was hurt that I changed it in the first place! Stupid, stupid heat of the moment action. He asked me what was going on, I said I was working, and was a little worried about the weather, so I might leave early.
Together we figured out what the passowrd is, but he still kept asking me why I changed it - I was extremely embarrassed that I did that in a fit of pique (always wanted to use that expression - though not about myself), and was kind of reluctant to tell him, So I said "I don't know, I just did. It really hurt his feelings that I did that. So I switched the password back to what it was and called him back to let him know that, which seemed to make him a bit happier - so not much chance to ask him about his day , but I'll do that when I see him later. next time I'll think about what I'm doing before I do it. He has his sensitive places too!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bets
Myrrh
P.S. Althought I'm trying not to get overly excited just yet - there are things that have to happen first. But still, he wants to come home!

[ObiWan]

crazymaking - I had a little burp of that today in the car. It dates back to our conv of last week where she wanted to give me details about the A and I wasnt ready to hear them. She mentioned that she kissed him first. I remembered spying on her TXT messages a month ago and there was a message (that I didnt get at the time though I knew what it meant) from her that said "but you kissed back"

started me down that path - I just turned up the radio in the car on a good song and said "this isnt going to help and she isnt going to crazymake me today"

30 seconds later - all gone.

[Lyrael]

Bill-
I wonder if that works the other way, too.
Goal report -
1: I was very pleasant all night - we had a good time playing, although we got a little snippy with each other over getting our new bed. The guy who is selling it to us called me back, and I called H at work/home to let him know what the guy had said, and ask if he wanted to go ahead with it. I told him we had to go pick it out, and I had to work all week.
He said "Okay, so what do you want me to do?" For some reason, I STILL wait for him to offer (hey, can I go pick it out for us?). Of course, he was waiting for ME to ask for what I wanted straight out, which I should have. He wasn't sure if I would want to be there, or if I was okay with him going on his own. So I got mildly irritated (for no reason-wtf is my problem sometimes?), but I managed to stick to the subject, not start a fight, and not be insulting. He is supposed to call the guy back today to arrange a firm time to go pick one out.
Here's my dilemma - do I talk to him about it when I call him? Ask him what the guy said? Or do I not mention it until he brings it up - I don't know where a guy would start feeling nagged. Any thoughts, Bill?
That's great that you were able to move past that, Bill - your advice about stopping and saying something completely non-threatening is a really good idea.
Thanks!
Myrrh
P.S. Goals for today:
1: Wait until at least 4pm to call H - it'll give him a chance to call me if he wants (but I think he lost the number again). When I call, ask how he is before I ask if he called the mattress guy. WHATEVER he says, be okay with it. Try to figure out a solution/what we want to do if he hasn't called him, and LISTEN when he tells my why. Alternatively, be EXTREMELY appreciative if he did call him. Praise him tothe skies!
2: Continue with my Flylady missions - last night's went great, and now my computer area is neat and tidy.
3: Read the materials we have in the office on thought-stopping. Work really hard on it during daily convo with H.
I'll let you guys know how it went!

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

You're making some progress here, friend.

So I got mildly irritated (for no reason-wtf is my problem sometimes?), but I managed to stick to the subject, not start a fight, and not be insulting.

Great job. I'm thinking that there was actually a reason, though. For instance, when I start wanting to pick fights with Mr. Not-so-Wonderful, I have finally figured out that I want him to verbally affirm me. I need positive feedback, and when I'm getting it, I have no reason to engage in crazymaking.

Have you thought about any patterns to the times where you need to get his attention?

Keep swimming, because you'll get to Sydney if you do.

Hugs,

Bets

[Lyrael]

Here's todays little drama...
H and I talk every day after
he wakes up - he calls or I call. Today I haven't
heard from him and he isn't answering his phone.
I played our online game with him last night until
about 1 a.m., so my rationaly mind wants to say maybe
he just stayed up REALLY late and is still bumming
around in bed. But another part of me wonders if maybe
he isn't alone there - he is too busy snuggling and
that's why he isn't answering the phone. Or maybe he
has freaked out because of saying he was coming home
and s completely withdrawing.
I know it's stupid that I'm freaking out about this,
but I can't help it...

And later....
Even if he was boinking the daylights out of some little hoochie, I couldn't do anything about it. That makes me crazy! But odds are, he probably isn't. Worst case scenario: about once a month or so, he disappears for an evening - alone. Sometimes to the movies, sometimes to go browsy shopping - anywhere he can be completely alone. That's just who he is - I don't understand it, because I am the oldest of three, and so I was almost never completely alone.
Maybe he needs to think about what's happening with us. Maybe eight million different things - I am just going to have to make a choice - go quietly insane and call him every three seconds, or sit back, trust him (what a concept) and wait for him to call.
I know what I should do...
And yet still later...
and of course I didn't. I tried him one more time (maybe I need to work on willpower in smaller chunks than a day - like- I won't call hime for the next 4 hours or something). He answered, sounding very sleepy and stuffed up. He was laying in bed, he said. Then he proceeded to tell me about a dream he had where he was rescuing Homer Simpson from a huge hole. He called the mattress guy on his own, and told me he thinks the whole thing sounds a little odd - the guy couldn't tell him exactly what brands or how many he had left of the different kinds of mattresses. I didn't praise him as lavishly as I wanted to (it caught me off guard that he called all on his own - that's kind of a good sign, I think).
I told him that I thought he should think about it and decide what he wanted to do, because I trusted his judgement more than mine in this situation (I am really bad with salespeople, especially hard-sell salespeople). That was kind of atypical for me, because usually I am really spazzy about that kind of thing.
Thanks again, Bets for the wonderful persepctive adjustment.