Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for the reply AnotherStander.

I've had many high highs and low lows in the past 10 months but yesterday started out as one of those days were just getting out of bed was a struggle. Posting and getting my sitch down on paper really helped and the day ended on a much better note.

After some reflection last night I realized that despite knowing for a very long time that I'd be seeing my H again in August (when the baby arrives) no matter what happened between us between now and then, it finally sunk in that the decisions I make right now have tremendous impact on how that interaction will look when the day of our son's arrival rolls around. My H is not currently 'angry' at me, and has been quite respectful, albeit distant while seeing OW. If I don't leave him alone to live his own life and have the time and space to figure things out for himself than I have the potential to burn through any remaining goodwill he's got left in him. By not leaving him alone I can't make things better but I can certainly make them a whole lot worse!

I thought to myself how much better it would feel to 'drop the rope' right now, stop all contact, and be able to call guilt free in August to say 'It's Time!' knowing that I didn't do anything to sabotage our time together in the weeks leading up to delivery. I can't control whether or not he'll have an OW in his life come August. I can't control whether or not he'll be relaxed and comfortable in the hospital with me. I can't make him love me... all I can do is make the decision to leave him alone and stick to it because if I don't leave him alone I can all but guarantee the OW will be in the picture and he'll be miserable around me. Setting the very specific goal of having no contact until I go into labor has really helped free my mind to think about other things today.

In terms of changing my mind constantly, I think the whole idea of 'slowing things down' and thinking things through is something I'm going to have to continue to be overly conscious of when making decisions about life. I tend to rush into things or say things I can't take back. Every time my H has moved out I've told him I can't allow him to come back if he leaves again. The fact that I've said that 15 times should be sign enough that making such permanent and strong statements isn't working! I need to practice keeping my mouth shut and giving myself a few days, or weeks, to think important things through. I don't have to figure out my whole life in the next 15 minutes. I have a place to live. I have food to eat. I have a job. I have air to breath, anything else I can decide about tomorrow (or next year). I don't need to rush to have all the answers in this moment.