Hello all, just joined the site, couldn't wait for "divorce busters" to get here, so went and bought it at bookstore and have already read it cover to cover.
Some background, im 45, my wife just turned 40. Married 21 years. 2 kids D-17 (senior), S-15. We currently in a in-house separation. 4 months ago, I was taking my kids to one of their high school sporting tournaments, upon arrival my wife was crying, gave me the "ILYB" speech and told me I needed to move out. She said that I wasn't doing enough in the marriage, kids/dinners/laundry/cleaning/etc. Really I was, but she had started bringing up things from 10-12 years earlier. I felt like no matter what she said, it was me me me doing everything wrong. She asked me to move out, which I did for 4 weeks, before my kids said she was no longer buying groceries, making dinner, or cleaning up around the house in any way. She just let go.
During this 4 weeks of course I was doing the begging, pleading, I can change crud. I told her, that if she thought I wasn't doing anything to help around the house, why was it me that moved, not her. So I moved back in, took cooking classes, started doing 80% of the housework. She started tanning, going out with her friends, taking weekend long trips. Basically running from every responsibility she was could.
We went to a MC, and after the therapist talked to us each for about 10 minutes, really, 20 minutes into the first session. The therapist says our marriage is over and we should both just move on.....needless to say, we we're both stunned. We continue for a little while and questions are asked of my wife, im asked to give a response to how I feel to my wifes comments, I get one sentence in, my wife shakes her head and the therapist tells me to "shut up, quit talking". Well I finally after having this done to me 2x, walk out. I felt ganged up on. I tell my wife I wont go back to that.
A week later, we find another MC to try, the meeting is better but the MC uses these huge words, confusing analogies, and talks down to us. We hardly talked as the MC would just tell us story after story. I felt we hadn't even talked about why we were there yet. I didn't feel great about it, but was willing to go again, due to pure frustration of needing to get it out. At the end of the appt. the MC asked if we'd like to set up another appt. My wife asks if she could get an IC in. The MC sets up an apt with her for the next day. When my wife comes home the next day, she's in a great mood. I figure great, she got some issues out. I call the MC the next day to ask if I could get an IC in before our next MC appt. She tells me she can no longer see me, its now a conflict of interest, and I should seek a new therapist for myself. I was stunned.
My wife sees this old MC, now her IC for about 6-7 weeks, during this time my wife has now gone out every Friday and Saturday night, says her IC says she needs to find who she is, rediscover herself, have some fun, don't worry about the kids, as there old enough to take care of themselves. Kids have short memeories, and they'll learn to conform. During this time my kids' grades PLUMMET, my daughter ends up failing to key courses and doesn't graduate. My son who was a straight A student, failed 4 of his 6 classes. My wife says this has nothing to do with whats going on...........wha????
The last 2 weeks, I told my wife I agreed the marriage was not doing well at all, I was thinking about just moving out, both kids told her that they want to come live with me. I'm getting more and more resentful and how she could treat me, and more so, the kids. She tells me that she wants to feel something for me, but its too late, and she doesn't think she can feel that way about me ever again. I tell her, that we need to go to a MC appt. for the sake of being able to talk about at least getting thru an amicable divorce. So we go, she was thinking about going to her friends for the weekend to get away and think some more. She send me a text on day 3, says she misses me for the first time in months, she was looking forward to another MC, and that she feels she needs to see a dr. and have herself checked. I take this as a positive sign. I really want the marriage to be saved, but after 4 months, im tired, resentful, and am becoming more open to the idea of a divorce even thou I don't want one.
Sorry for such a long post. Any ideas, comments or tips, would be greatly appreciated. Btw, I don't know if there is someone else. I don't think so, but it would be a long distance EA from an old boyfriend from high school if there was. Nothing I could prove.
