"I Love you but love her too"....WHAT?

[RosaLinda]

""Our" new house closed today. Too bad only one of us is moving! Glad it's not me. LOL

He's beginning to pack some things. You'll all love this. Instead of using moving boxes, he's using paper bags! He's in a tizzy now, not sure what to take or what he might need. This could be very entertaining. I get the feeling that he thinks he will still have total access to the house and will take things "bag by bag" as needed. Won't he be surprised when he finds that his key won't work in the door after Wednesday. It's a very good thing that the sellers left a good deal of their (beautiful) furniture. I may go over and take a few things from the new house and bring them back here. After all, it is half mine, right?"

Hi NLT, I have been following your sitch as it so closely mirrors mine with my H (trips to see the OW, being forthcoming about his plans, the mental confusion) and am sorry to hear that your H is really moving. It sure shows his mental state that he is using paper bags to move his belongings. Do you really plan to change the locks, have you decided to give up standing for your marriage? Did your H's OW split up with her husband?

My H is planning a trip to Moscow in Sept to visit his Russian Tramp OW. She flew over here to New York for their first conjugal visit in March. I have been half hysterical about this, and spoke to my DB coach Chuck yesterday. I posted his advice on my thread yesterday, but will copy it here for you, as maybe it will help you some with dealing with your H and his own Tramp.

Chuck said that a MLCer will test his or her spouse, and knows just how to push their buttons over and over. He said to think back on previous R talks and other conversations, especially if the MLCer suddenly does or says something mean right after a positive interaction. We should note exactly what the MLCer said to push our buttons, and prepare to do something different than how the MLCer expects us to react after his nasty remark.

He said that the MLCer has decided exactly how things will go in his or her mind due to the rewriting of the marital history and previous Our-R talks. Having a positive interaction makes the MLCer feel vulnerable because it has stirred up positive feelings he did not expect to ever feel again.

Chuck asked me to give him some examples of times my H pushed my buttons, and I gave two -- the other day when H gave me a hug goodnight, and I hugged him back. H immediately said "good night sis." Chuck asked how I would have normally responded to something like this, and I said I would have been a bit petulant, and said something like "I'm your wife not your sister, H." Chuck said to be a little ray of sunshine instead, and be calm, kind, respectful and confident, and just say goodnight dear.

The other example was my H saying he's going to Moscow or telling me other good things about the Russian Tramp like she is better for him and she is truly is in love with him. Chuck said even though statements like these HURT, continue to be kind, respectful, calm and confident, my H EXPECTS a negative reaction.

Chuck said that the Tramp (or any other OP) is just a fantasy. If we say something negative about the MLCer's fantasy, he must defend the fantasy. So NEVER say anything negative, and even say something positive. I asked him for an example, and he suggested:

"I'm not happy you are in this relationship, but I can understand why you feel that way if she treats you so well." Or "Who can blame you? I don't like it, but who can blame you if you found someone who treats you like a prince?"

After a statement like this, since the MLCer has not been forced to defend his OP, he will be able to see her more clearly. Since the OP is generally a flawed crazy person herself, the OP is usually NOT treating the MLCer like a prince. So the MLCer will mentally compare how the OP treats him with what he deserves (prince-like treatment)."

Best of luck to you! You seem to have a great mental outlook on things.