Ok I went and read your other threads, and feel like I can comment a bit (though most of what I will say has already been said by others here) so its more of a validation...
Quote: I have a history of going ballistic when he does tell me the truth (e.g. things I don't want to hear like him seeing OW) - so is this somewhat my responsibility for creating an environment in our marriage where it isn't safe for him to be honest?
Even better question...why does this man still love me and want to try with me? He says that sometimes things are better, and sometimes it's just the same old s**t. How can I trust that he really wants this? How can I set aside the fear that he is going to walk out of my life again, and enjoy the fact that we're getting closer?
Last night on the phone we got into a fight and he said that he didn't think things were ever going to work out, because he didn't think he could come home to constant fighting. Then he came over and spent the night holding me and telling me he loved me. DARN, I hate those mixed signals - do you believe the positive things in the quiet times, or the stuff said in the heat of battle... Anyway - it is kind of nice that he'll be away for a bit - maybe I can put this ugly sitch on the back burner for a night and do some recharging of my own batteries - thanks for the book/tape recommendations - I'm actually off to the library tonight.
ok so you see what's up with that - when you fight with him he doesnt want to come home. He doesnt come home so you get angry, so when you see him you let the anger out on him.
Bad bad bad. I do the same thing. I dont know what to tell you about getting rid of it, but you can't give it to him. Be more consistent in your reactions and he will stop sending mixed signals. Your reactions heavily effect his.
Quote: Family and friends are telling me "it's time to give up- it's been five months and you need to accept that if he isn't ready to move in now, he never will be....
They don't see him buying me little presents whenever he goes somewhere, or bringing over milk cuz I asked him to, but also picking up some of my favorite kind of juice just for me on the way. They don't see him putting up with my fears, and doubts, and loving me just for who I am and thinking I'm adorable that way!
reread DR. I think there was a section on this in there. If they rob you of your pma, stop talking to them. I am guilty of the same thing. Dont do it. Their advice isnt going to help - they want to be happy and to do that they want you to stop being in pain with them - there's 2 ways to do that, either she leaves him or the sitch gets fixed. Go for the latter and stop sharing with them. What is important is that the 2 of you are happy with each other. Your families do not have to mesh, though it is tougher like that.
Quote: Unfortunately, the fighting is MY issue. My parents had a really stormy, unhappy marriage, and although objectively that isn't what I want, I am scared to let things just cool down. It's weird, but sometimes I fell like negative attention is better than NO attention. Having explained that, I realize that the why doesn't really matter, what matters is that it's not working! The old R sucked, to be blunt. Is it possible to love someone and still hate the R you have with them?
you've hit the nail on the head. Your anger is the issue, as it governs his reactions. No, negative attention is NOT better than no attention. It robs from your love tank and leaves you emotionally drained. If you get no attention, you can put stuff in your tank on your own, to build up your pma. If you have negative attention, it just drains the tank.
I hope this makes sense and helps.
Go you. At least he shows signs of wanting to be there. My sitch is so far behind yours I can't even see where you are from where I am.
Hang in there and work on the emotions. Bring up the pma. It will help.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
