She was over picking up the kids today. Our older son didn't want to go and she said "yeah, he wouldn't even want to go if we were going to [theme park]". I responded that he wouldn't argue about that, and we had gone to the theme park over the weekend and he had fun. She stormed off, saying I'm just like him, and I called after her "sorry for the arguing." (It sounds whinier written than it felt yesterday, but I don't know). So a 180 in this instance is I'm trying not to be contradictory. It is a big problem with our son, and he gets it from me. But she is very touchy. I want to work on my faults, but not with her. I know she has this belief that if she hadn't left then I wouldn't ever change, and who knows if I will even now. Well, I am my only concern. She didn't just leave to protect herself, she is tearing apart my life and our kids family. It's not to get back at me, it's just selfishly to run away from her problems and pain. She did it in our marriage as well. She always smiled and it was a mask. She put her heart away. Well, I have resentment towards her for never sharing with me or opening to me or giving me a chance. I have a swelling rage that she would have a blatant affair and refuse to keep him out of my kids lives while she is married to me. But I have some compassion for her somewhere deep down. I know that I've hurt her and that I have been excusing my issues for a long time. I'm totally done. I need to love myself enough to cut her out of my life. I cannot help her. And I cannot get better, for me and my kids, with her in my life. I mean, she'll always be in my life, as the mother of my children, but let's get on with it. I think I'll go ahead and fill out the D papers because I think that will be best for me.
