Bets, Meredith, and all - Shouldn't I just be able to stop crazymaking since I have realized that's what I'm doing? Here's the MASSIVE failure of a phone convo we had tonight. We played our online game for a little while, but he said he wasn't feeling well (Arby's food and his stomach probs). So we logged off, and I gave him a call to figure out what I should do tomorrow. I told him I needed to go to the laundromat and he said that sounded like a good idea. Then I said "I'm not even sure I want to celebrate or get together at all" (that's somewhat true I am not really overly happy about the occasion and would really like to spend the day curled up in my bed under the covers alone). Then he said "fine, I'm not going to fight with you, or argue with you or even discuss it. I told him that he had said he'd be working and we hadn't made any plans, so I thought maybe I would be gone most of the day. (Thinking while I wasy saying this - I'm so afraid that tomorrow is going to hurt I can't even think straight - how do I celebrate the anniversary of a marriage that has SUCKED so bad and husrt both of us so much?). I am depressed about tomorrow. I am afraid that we are going to get in a fight like we almost did tonight because I am determined to feel rejected no matter what happens. I'm mad because he is still working, even thought I should be happy he's even considering spending time with me at all. Part of me is frustrated and afraid - what if he says he wants to move back? What if he doesn't? I am equally terrified of both alternatives and I don't know how to stop being scared. My pma is just GONE right now; I hope it comes back in the morning. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
