Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Betsey-
Well, when you put it that way, it does seem like a stupid thing to be irritated about. It was one of the things we used to fight about whne he was home - I don't know how it will work if he ever does come home.

I get worried because of things like this - our sleep schedules our so different, our job situations are so different...how will we ever make a life together?

Well, I called work and let them know I wouldn't be in until one (Mon and Fri are flexible for me because the therapist I work for is only actually in the office Tues, Wed, and Thurs.) I am sure he'll be up soon, so I think (since all my friends are at work right now ) that I'll just be patient, go with the flow, and then when he gets up, just ask him if he could help.

Do you think I sound like a horrible person because I got irritated?

Thanks, Betsey,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Myrrh,

Of course I don't think you're a horrible person for getting irritated.

The fact is that there are some unaddressed anger issues in between you 2 right now. Time is really your best friend... it allows healing and for the opportunity to address them when you're not in the heat of things.

Take a deep breath and exhale.

Maybe this is what he's been telling you:

Treat me fairly, as you would a good friend
Listen to me before you make judgments
I have the right to disagree with you without being berated
Act as if the disagreements are not deal breakers

What can you do to help him see you in a more positive light?

Hugs,

Bets

[Lyrael]

Betsey-
I think that's exactly what he's been trying to tell me. We have this destructive pattern that I think I started. To quote Meredith in your thread from on 11/24/03:

" Whenever I would feel under-appreciated or neglected, I would look for attention from H. When I didn't get it by being nice, I would look around for somthing to fight about."

I got really good at looking around for that something, and doing whatever I had to do to put the focus back on ME. In my family, I was ignored unless I was in trouble, and then my father was verbally and physically abusive, so I guess sometimes I feel that the only kind of attention that I can get or that I deserve is negative attention. It's hard to admit, but the negative attention is something that's familiar to me, so I fight anxiety when things get to calm for too long (that's something I figured out with my T). AThe anxiety doesn't just happen when life is calm, it also pops up when I'm in a situation where I don't know or have no control over what the outcome will be (HELLO! Separation!).
When I let that fear/anxiety overwhelm me, I look for ways that I can put the situation back under my control. I can't make my husband be loving to me all the time, but I can DAMN sure make him pay attention to me. Twisted as it is, I know that I can force some outcome - if only a negative one (by starting a fight and making him angry, distant, and cold). Sometimes I guess that has felt better to me than being afraid and uncertain of what the outcome of certain situations with him will be.

I know lot of this fear comes from when I was little. Waiting to see what happened meant waiting to see the next explosive fight between my parents, and watching my dad hit mom - or it meant waiting for my father screaming my name from across the house because I didn't put the Saran Wrap back in the drawer right. At least when it was happening, the suspense was over. Damn, I'm crying again. Lots of T has helped me to realize how much my family atmosphere growing up has hurt me, and made me the person that I am. Unfortunately, now that I'm an adult, it's my responsibility to figure out who I want to become, and work towards that.

Anyway, my crazymaking is all about fear - the fear that if I let go and let someone else be in conrol, I'll get hurt. And maybe I won't be strong enough to stand it. That's always the little nagging fear at the back of my mind.
Like the anniversary thing tomorrow. I SO want to crazymake. My husband won't tell me what we're doing (altho I haven't really asked - trying REALLY hard not to). I want to call him up and tell him I'm gonna go out, since he and I haven't made any plans, but I don't even want to go out - I just want to know what we're doing because I am secretly afraid that he doesn't want to see me at all, and I'll be hurt immensely by that.

I am such an emotional weenie - I am as afraid of my own emotions as my husband is.

Anyway - there's more of me.
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

will reread to give male opinion. drop line at [e-mail] if U want.

[Lyrael]

Bets, Meredith, and all -
Shouldn't I just be able to stop crazymaking since I have realized that's what I'm doing?
Here's the MASSIVE failure of a phone convo we had tonight. We played our online game for a little while, but he said he wasn't feeling well (Arby's food and his stomach probs). So we logged off, and I gave him a call to figure out what I should do tomorrow. I told him I needed to go to the laundromat and he said that sounded like a good idea. Then I said "I'm not even sure I want to celebrate or get together at all" (that's somewhat true I am not really overly happy about the occasion and would really like to spend the day curled up in my bed under the covers alone). Then he said "fine, I'm not going to fight with you, or argue with you or even discuss it. I told him that he had said he'd be working and we hadn't made any plans, so I thought maybe I would be gone most of the day. (Thinking while I wasy saying this - I'm so afraid that tomorrow is going to hurt I can't even think straight - how do I celebrate the anniversary of a marriage that has SUCKED so bad and husrt both of us so much?). I am depressed about tomorrow.
I am afraid that we are going to get in a fight like we almost did tonight because I am determined to feel rejected no matter what happens. I'm mad because he is still working, even thought I should be happy he's even considering spending time with me at all. Part of me is frustrated and afraid - what if he says he wants to move back? What if he doesn't? I am equally terrified of both alternatives and I don't know how to stop being scared.
My pma is just GONE right now; I hope it comes back in the morning.
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

Ok I went and read your other threads, and feel like I can comment a bit (though most of what I will say has already been said by others here) so its more of a validation...

I have a history of going ballistic when he does tell me the truth (e.g. things I don't want to hear like him seeing OW) - so is this somewhat my responsibility for creating an environment in our marriage where it isn't safe for him to be honest?

Even better question...why does this man still love me and want to try with me? He says that sometimes things are better, and sometimes it's just the same old s**t. How can I trust that he really wants this? How can I set aside the fear that he is going to walk out of my life again, and enjoy the fact that we're getting closer?


Last night on the phone we got into a fight and he said that he didn't think things were ever going to work out, because he didn't think he could come home to constant fighting. Then he came over and spent the night holding me and telling me he loved me. DARN, I hate those mixed signals - do you believe the positive things in the quiet times, or the stuff said in the heat of battle...
Anyway - it is kind of nice that he'll be away for a bit - maybe I can put this ugly sitch on the back burner for a night and do some recharging of my own batteries - thanks for the book/tape recommendations - I'm actually off to the library tonight.

ok so you see what's up with that - when you fight with him he doesnt want to come home. He doesnt come home so you get angry, so when you see him you let the anger out on him.


Bad bad bad. I do the same thing. I dont know what to tell you about getting rid of it, but you can't give it to him. Be more consistent in your reactions and he will stop sending mixed signals. Your reactions heavily effect his.

Family and friends are telling me "it's time to give up- it's been five months and you need to accept that if he isn't ready to move in now, he never will be....


They don't see him buying me little presents whenever he goes somewhere, or bringing over milk cuz I asked him to, but also picking up some of my favorite kind of juice just for me on the way. They don't see him putting up with my fears, and doubts, and loving me just for who I am and thinking I'm adorable that way!

reread DR. I think there was a section on this in there. If they rob you of your pma, stop talking to them. I am guilty of the same thing. Dont do it. Their advice isnt going to help - they want to be happy and to do that they want you to stop being in pain with them - there's 2 ways to do that, either she leaves him or the sitch gets fixed. Go for the latter and stop sharing with them. What is important is that the 2 of you are happy with each other. Your families do not have to mesh, though it is tougher like that.

Unfortunately, the fighting is MY issue. My parents had a really stormy, unhappy marriage, and although objectively that isn't what I want, I am scared to let things just cool down. It's weird, but sometimes I fell like negative attention is better than NO attention. Having explained that, I realize that the why doesn't really matter, what matters is that it's not working! The old R sucked, to be blunt. Is it possible to love someone and still hate the R you have with them?

you've hit the nail on the head. Your anger is the issue, as it governs his reactions. No, negative attention is NOT better than no attention. It robs from your love tank and leaves you emotionally drained. If you get no attention, you can put stuff in your tank on your own, to build up your pma. If you have negative attention, it just drains the tank.

I hope this makes sense and helps.

Go you. At least he shows signs of wanting to be there. My sitch is so far behind yours I can't even see where you are from where I am.

Hang in there and work on the emotions. Bring up the pma. It will help.

[Lyrael]

Bill-
That made incredible sense. I'll let you know how the whole anniversary thing plays out later on, but for now I am going to go visit your thread so I can catch up on your sitch.
(((((Bill)))))

Myrrh

[ObiWan]

I hope things are ok. I have another comment

I am afraid that we are going to get in a fight like we almost did tonight because I am determined to feel rejected no matter what happens. I'm mad because he is still working, even thought I should be happy he's even considering spending time with me at all. Part of me is frustrated and afraid - what if he says he wants to move back? What if he doesn't? I am equally terrified of both alternatives and I don't know how to stop being scared.

First of all, if you start down the path that you think you will fight, you wll. Try try try to think that things will go well - try to remember a time you had together where you didnt fight. Try to be upbeat. If you find yourself thinking about a future fight, stop stop stop. Think about something else. Dont get frustrated over "is he coming home or not" - let it go for the time being. Nothing will change in the next 24 hours (sorry it's true and it sucks) but have the courage to say "I can't change this right now so I can't worry about it right now".

just stay calm and let the fishie swim on by.

[Lyrael]

((((Bill)))))
You give great advice. I think I am just going to make an effort tonight to relax, enjoy myself, and be the fun, upbeat person he is attracted to, rather than being the worrywart I can be sometimes. That way I'll have fun, he'll have fun, and we can both relax.
But it doesn't hurt to look hot while I'm doing it, right? I am gona go buy myself something sexy, I think.
Updates later,
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

Go YOU!