Clear goals and a vision for the future

[Lyrael]

Betsey-
I think that's exactly what he's been trying to tell me. We have this destructive pattern that I think I started. To quote Meredith in your thread from on 11/24/03:

" Whenever I would feel under-appreciated or neglected, I would look for attention from H. When I didn't get it by being nice, I would look around for somthing to fight about."

I got really good at looking around for that something, and doing whatever I had to do to put the focus back on ME. In my family, I was ignored unless I was in trouble, and then my father was verbally and physically abusive, so I guess sometimes I feel that the only kind of attention that I can get or that I deserve is negative attention. It's hard to admit, but the negative attention is something that's familiar to me, so I fight anxiety when things get to calm for too long (that's something I figured out with my T). AThe anxiety doesn't just happen when life is calm, it also pops up when I'm in a situation where I don't know or have no control over what the outcome will be (HELLO! Separation!).
When I let that fear/anxiety overwhelm me, I look for ways that I can put the situation back under my control. I can't make my husband be loving to me all the time, but I can DAMN sure make him pay attention to me. Twisted as it is, I know that I can force some outcome - if only a negative one (by starting a fight and making him angry, distant, and cold). Sometimes I guess that has felt better to me than being afraid and uncertain of what the outcome of certain situations with him will be.

I know lot of this fear comes from when I was little. Waiting to see what happened meant waiting to see the next explosive fight between my parents, and watching my dad hit mom - or it meant waiting for my father screaming my name from across the house because I didn't put the Saran Wrap back in the drawer right. At least when it was happening, the suspense was over. Damn, I'm crying again. Lots of T has helped me to realize how much my family atmosphere growing up has hurt me, and made me the person that I am. Unfortunately, now that I'm an adult, it's my responsibility to figure out who I want to become, and work towards that.

Anyway, my crazymaking is all about fear - the fear that if I let go and let someone else be in conrol, I'll get hurt. And maybe I won't be strong enough to stand it. That's always the little nagging fear at the back of my mind.
Like the anniversary thing tomorrow. I SO want to crazymake. My husband won't tell me what we're doing (altho I haven't really asked - trying REALLY hard not to). I want to call him up and tell him I'm gonna go out, since he and I haven't made any plans, but I don't even want to go out - I just want to know what we're doing because I am secretly afraid that he doesn't want to see me at all, and I'll be hurt immensely by that.

I am such an emotional weenie - I am as afraid of my own emotions as my husband is.

Anyway - there's more of me.
Myrrh