wife hardends heart

[planet]

Counseling is not widely available and it's quite expensive too. Don't really have the funds for it anyway.
I mean I earn enough to make sure we have a comfortable living environment. I will give my wife most of what I earn and just keep just enough for myself to make it through the month.
My wife handles everything else from there. I just let her. Sometimes I think she spends a little too overwhelming for me. Mostly its for the family. She does chip in. Mind you, she makes a lot more than I do.

[mizjjd]

Well, I have started to play with them more. Sit and talk to them about stuffs. Trying to connect.
I suppose participating in conversations is something I have to work on.

This is good! Keep working on that connecting. How old are your daughters? I hope you really get to know them, find out who they are.

It is good too that you recognize that you need to participate in conversations more. Even if the conversation doesn't interest you, it is kind and compassionate to pay attention to the speaker. Because often the speaker believes your lack of interest means a lack of interest in THEM, not the topic.

I suggest you do a computer search on "empathic" or "active" listening. Challenge yourself to really tune in to conversations, regardless of the topic.

What will you do now about finances?

Has your wife moved out?

I cannot afford therapy either, but I find this site/forum to be of great value. Do A LOT of reading here. And do A LOT of writing too. Keep your thread as a journal, this will really help you progress. And find one or two other posters to follow too. Post encouragement or compassion on their threads. This will be practice for the "real" world and help you become "warmer".

[MrBond]

First of all, relax and calm down.

Read DR or DB asap. It's cheaper than counseling.

Right now can you give us a timeline and a little more detail of your marital history? For your W to feel anger towards your mom and sister, it seems a little odd.

[planet]

my kids are 3 & 4 years old. they are really playful. they really like to do everything. can't seemed to put my finger on which really interest them more.
my wife had some guests over yesterday night. she acted like its every other day even though we've just had legal meeting in the afternoon. we didn't talk much nor had any serious discussion regarding our future on our way back home.
my wife won't be moving out though. It's all up to me to take up that option.
I think we need to have serious discussion over finances. As of now, we pay our bills and everything else collectively.
Back to the guests, i thought as host i should participate and joined in their conversation, mostly nodding. Previously i would be doing my own thing. Don't know if my wife wants me there though.

[planet]

we've dated about 4 years and are married for 6years with 2 kids. I always wondered why she chose me. She had quite a number of pursuers. She almost left while we are dating but had a change of heart after i gave up pleading and decided to move on. I made promises to change but never really did kept it.
She did gave me a book about relationship she never read hoping i would better myself. I always thought its a bit hypocritical.
We had a fiery relationship. We would argue over something every 3 months or so. the disagreements seemed so petty at times. It always seemed like its my fault or she could be disappointed with me being uninvolved and distant.
There are several incidences involving my mom or her lack of thoughtfulness that really bothers my wife. She felt so unloved by her MIL. It bothers me to find that her mom never really did anything for her when she's pregnant but takes issue with my mom for not being involved. She finds my mom a hypocrite.
My sis was different. She resented my sis for doing something taboo over our wedding period which we had cautioned everybody earlier. She nonchalantly mentioned she's done something after our wedding. My sis strongly denied it when we confronted her years later. My wife never believed her. We don't have any proof other than what she said.
My family and i don't really have much memory of the things that we've so seemingly 'wronged' her.
Maybe her anger is indirectly targeted at me for not defending nor speaking up for her. But to be 'hateful' is really something else. She wanted to insert 'restrictions' in the legal agreement but was refused.
I have to stop putting my logical brain into this in order to empathize with my wife's feelings of rejection. but all of this is so crazy.

[planet]

She resented the way I spoke to her when we had our arguments. I thought I had poured out my feelings but somehow it was interpreted differently. She remembers every details and can't seem to let go.
Her resentment has somehow subsided these 2 days but can blow up at any moment. I feel that I should keep my distance but I have doing that most of our marriage.
She has made plans for the weekend and I promised her that I will look after the kids. But she did asked me if I would like to join one of her programmes and I said sure. Wise?

[mizjjd]

Hi planet.

Thanks for posting some of your details!

I don't have much time right now, but I wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you.

I will only address the latest post right now, should have more time later/tomorrow for the others.

I feel that I should keep my distance but I have doing that most of our marriage.

Keep your distance but with a twist. When she initiates conversation FULLY ENGAGE!! But then, also, be the first to end the contact. Nicely, "sorry, but I have to ______. I hope we can talk more later!" Smile!! Leave her wanting more.

But she did asked me if I would like to join one of her programmes and I said sure. Wise?

Yes, I think wise IF you have no expectations and can keep the atmosphere "light", pleasant. No "serious" talks right now.

I'm including some validation phrases that might help you when conversing. (It was originally written to a W, so some references are to a H. But of course they apply to Ws too.)

It seems like now that your W has taken that 1st step she feels more relaxed. Let her relax. Don't bring up D or R. Now is your time to show her your 180's.

"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."

"You may be right." For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was detrimental to the kids)?"
For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)."
"I hadn't thought of it that way"
"I can see how it would feel that way"
"I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through"
"I am gonna have to think about that a little more"
"Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that"
"I can see you're really serious about this"
"I see this is important to you"
"I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this"
"I understand why you might feel that way"
"Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough."
"Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that"
"I am sorry that you feel that way"
"I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"

Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!

"Wow, that's a lot to deal with"
"That sounds discouraging"
"That sounds like it would really hurt"
"It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx"
"It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you"
"I can see that you are really upset"
"Would you like to talk about it"
"That really bothered you, didn't it?"
"How did you feel when xxxxxx?"
"What bothers you the most about it"
"What would help you feel better"
"I can see you are really uncomfortable about this"
"I can understand why you would be upset"
"So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"

If H talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.

WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday.
You: Oh? How is he doing?

WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend.
You: Did you have a good time?

WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend.
You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.

If H asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.

WAS: How was your weekend?
You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.

WAS: Where were you last night?
You: I was at the gym.

WAS: What are you doing tonight?
You: Probably going out to dinner.

One important thing about D. Do NOT bring up D talk!! Let W bring it up. If she presses you about D, simply say: "You can go ahead and start that divorce paperwork whenever you want to. You know, of course, that it isn't what I want, but I won't stand in your way." You need to put the onus of D on the WAW!!

Good luck!! Listen attentively and use "I" statements.

Make today great!!

[planet]

Thanks mizjjd.
Really appreciate it.

[planet]

We went out as a family over the weekend. Didn't talk much. Felt really weird and uncomfortable.
She"ll be away next week for a few days. She's just requested not take the kids to my parents. Felt really bad. What's in her mind? Can't seem to let go of the resentment. Says she's not ready to accept my parents just yet.
I promised her. Had no plans to do so anyway since I knew how she felt.
Getting tired of this.