Also KD I'm kind of stuck. I want to speak with my W and not sit in fear of having conversation with her. We are going on 2 months now since she said she felt "smothered" by my comment made 3 months ago.
Just so you know what I said. She had made plans to goto a concert with girls from neighborhood. I said "I'll take the kids down vaca house (concert on Friday in August) a few times. She told me that made her feel smothered, that she couldn't just make plans without me saying something. Honestly I never thought anything of the comments until she dropped this on me. I knew she was annoyed by them because she snapped at me, after she snapped at me I stopped saying it just thinking well I was being annoying. Either way I don't feel that remark should have spun her back to ground zero. It did.
KD I made that comment and she never said boo about it. We literally were in the Bahamas, being intimate, joking, going on dates. So yes it spun me out initially. Right now she is definitely treating me like before. Same exact treatment. Silent treatment, secret phone, only nice to me when she needs something etc..
Also I have another scenario that I always wanted to talk to her about. I just don't know if I bring it up if she will think it is just a ploy/tactic. Here's the deal. When my son was born she wanted his middle name to begin with the letter J for her grampy. I fought it because it would give him initials CJ and I just wasn't keen into that nickname etc.. I was younger and even more broke then I am today. I was selfish and didn't realize how important that was to her. I have felt TERRIBLE about it for the last 3 years since I've started to work on myself. She joked about changing it awhile back and I really would love to do this for her and for grampy. I just feel if I bring this up now or anytime soon it will be perceived as a tactic but realistically I realize how SELFISH I have been. Actually Alanon and temporary sponsor has made me realize how selfish we can be without even realizing it.
What do you think about my comment? In hindsight I could see her point a view. It truly wasn't what I was trying to do or come across that way. She told me that it is sad that you don't even know you do these things. I was like you need to tell me if I upset you. I can't mind read and I didn't even know you were bothered by it at all. "I shouldn't have to tell you" Umm ok..
What about the middle name thing. This really touches home. Without her grampy our kids would have not grampies at all. He is great grampy but we consider him grampy
If YOU have no expectations, it's not pursuit on your part.
Will she perceive it as pursuit? Only she knows that. Just remember that the alternative is you say nothing about a good meal and she thinks you don't appreciate her efforts.
Every cause has effect or consequences.
You can't control what she thinks or does.
And remember that you are DBing and this work is SBT. Go ahead and do it and monitor for effect. If you do it consistently and it appears to be working over a period of time, two to three weeks, then keep doing it. If it completely blows up in your face the first time you do it, stop doing it. If the results over the two week period, stop doing it. If it appears to be having no effect, then keep doing it.
I was in the process of giving feedback regarding your post #2357174 and had to stop myself.
If we are going by the premise that your W is MLC, and I think she is... then you really have to come to terms that no comm is safe with your W.
I'm not saying go dark. I'm saying that no comm is safe with your W. And you really have to do something that I think is truly your life lesson in this sitch. D E T A C H your emotions from her actions and words...
Have comm with her, but she WILL spew. Even on the most benign, rational, logical comm.
But you are attached to comm with her (we're going back to your co-D and ACOA stuff, here) and you are likely seeking validation where there will be none.
I get that this is hard for you, and I understand.
You just need to move forward and detach and leave the sitch to God.
You need now to be true to you. The BEST PON you can be. There is nothing you can do that will be "right" or that will "fix". You know that.
KD thx and I appreciate your feedback. I just have trouble figuring out if she is in MLC, WAS, broken, etc.. Based on the DB I have done and my experiences with conversation with W you are correct it will lead to nothing but spew. There hasn't been a time in a very long time this hasn't happened
Have you been reading the most recent on Crimson's thread. It sounds familiar to your most recent experience, as well.
I don't think that your and Crimson's path in your sitches will be the same for long. And I mean that only in that your W's will drive THAT ship, so no one knows...
Read 25's most recent post to Crimson. It applies to you in some regard.
YOU... STILL have work to do. You are DOING the work, though. That is good and it's all you can do.
oh how I miss the cryptic KD messages...WTF does that mean
"I don't think that your and Crimson's path in your sitches will be the same for long. And I mean that only in that your W's will drive THAT ship, so no one knows..."
