As the LBS, I fail to understand and get confused in the goal and what my part is in this. I am trying to focus on me (hard to do, when I am so used to focusing on him). I understand this is his journey to take and he will figure out HIS part. But, I don't understand what else I can be doing to help (from the distance). I need to put the mentality in my head and stick to it. What person do I need to be to make this better for him? Am I supposed to be his friend? Do I stay dim. How can I be friendly and dim? As a friend to my friends, I am involved. Does keeping the lighthouse on/pathway smooth work? Is the goal to let him feel like I am the only one who fully understands him and is still by his side? or am I to have disappeared far enough to let him figure it all out. Please help me understand how to be for him, for my head. (does this make sense?).
As the LBS, I fail to understand and get confused in the goal and what my part is in this. As I understand the DB approach, you DON'T have a part to play. Having a "part" would mean you could share the MLC. HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF. I am trying to focus on me (hard to do, when I am so used to focusing on him).
Originally Posted By: Cadet
The fault that most of us here have is that for years we enabled their PAIN and tried to help them. After a while the enabling still did not take away their PAIN. That is one of the reasons they are in crisis. Nothing that we or anyone else did could take that PAIN away.
I understand this is his journey to take and he will figure out HIS part. But, I don't understand what else I can be doing to help (from the distance). If you fully understand the first of these two sentences, then you wouldn't ask the second. HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF. What person do I need to be to make this better for him? WFM, read the above question. Is that a question that an independent, strong person would ask? No, I'm sorry, but its not. MLC IS HIS JOURNEY, HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF. And if he doesn't, if you manage to pretzel yourself, or somehow prematurely snap your H out of it, then the MLC will come back with a vengeance. You have to let the MLC run its course without trying to speed it up. Yes, this svcks, and hurts, and is incredibly hard. Am I supposed to be his friend? Do I stay dim. How can I be friendly and dim? Dim would be not initiating things. Being his friend would be being friendly and cheerful when HE initiates contact. Being appreciative of his efforts. You CAN be a dim friend. As a friend to my friends, I am involved. Your H is a special category of "friend". Does keeping the lighthouse on/pathway smooth work? It might. There is no guarantee. But it might take YEARS. But, if you are looking for a "role" THIS IS IT - PERIOD. No, make that EXCLAMATION POINT! Is the goal to let him feel like I am the only one who fully understands him and is still by his side? WHAT??? If you could even do this, what would the result be? That your H would be totally dependent on you? Would that be healthy for him? The goal is for him to understand himself. And to do that, HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF. or am I to have disappeared far enough to let him figure it all out. Yes! WFM you got it! And while he's figuring it all out, you are becoming the most fantastic delightful wonderful WFM the world has ever seen! You will be so brilliant that you could be mistaken for a lighthouse - by which he will find his way "home". Please help me understand how to be for him, for my head. (does this make sense?). Please help me understand how to be for him, No no no. Nothing "for him", everything "for wfm". Be the best you - but WFM, you don't know who that is, do you? You have given everything away over the years... Now is the time to get it back. To figure out WHO YOU ARE. You must become an individual.
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I want to work on myself!!!
Great! But why? For your H? Or for yourself? Your mindset needs to be to "work on yourself" for your own benefit. Not to make H notice. If he does, great. But if he doesn't, oh well. T(That's part of the zero expectations idea.)
You can do this wfm. But you must let go of your H first.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
