Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

So, this morning having a down day with my PMA. I know I am just tired of the status quo. To stay or to go? That is the question.

H was cold and dark this morning. Not only with me, but with the boys from what I could tell. I said Good Morning to him and he didn't even respond back. He is such a jerk off. I didn't think we would socialize, but to not even say a simple good morning? Just plain rude and shows how much of a baby and a$$ he is.

Where did my H go I wonder? I don't even see him anymore. And I am really bothered by something I heard through the grapevine that MIL said..."H seems to be himself again". I did gather that she meant his younger self, but I am bothered by it. It has me wondering if H was "acting" as a different person for fifteen years. I can't take the thought that our 15 year relationship was "fake". I am trying to not let it bother me, but well, you know.

So I don't know if cold and dark is better than spew, but both hurt. And because it does hurt, I see that I apparently still care. That svcks!

I want to stop caring and get along with my life. I almost get an anxiety build up from it and go through these moments on a "withdrawal" of sorts...lingering anxiety, acute anger, depression, sadness, and deep, deep thinking.

Using the kids as a timeline, I cannot go the next eight years like this. H3ll, I don't know if I can go another month. I am back to wishing I could flee from all this madness that H is causing. This sounds crazy, but I almost wish H would just flee altogether. It would sure make things easier for me, but I know it would kill the boys. What is wrong with me there?

On a good note, I do find that my level of detachment is good, not great, but good. My focus on H only seems to be around our interactions. I don't worry about him and OW anymore, or what he is doing when he is away. I only focus on "our stuff". Small step I know, but it is a step.

I have been doing a lot of reading on OW. The why's, how's, and what's. I would NEVER want to be an OW, but I wonder on a lot if reality will hit my sitch or not. I mean, how can OW feel good about herself and be around my boys? Does she not think that she is a problem in all this. She is trying to be all nice and caring...and I just want to say "Look B!tch, you caused a lot of this pain too to the children and man you "love", stop trying to be nice." But this is not me.

More things that I think about...and maybe someone has insight on this. I read a lot, no extremely. In most cases it seems that the spouses show a different persona around the LBS. Usually this tends to lean towards the side of they are happy, comfortable, and sure. My H always seems to be angry, depressed, sad, and tired. Where does this fit in? We are told to believe none of what they say, and only half of what we see. So, could it be possible that he "fronts" that he is this tortured soul, and is really happy on the flip side. I mean I want his happiness to some degree (okay, at this moment I want his happiness with me and his children), but what is this?

So sooooo many questions that I feel I will never get the answers to. And so many things I keep close to the heart. I know, silly girl needs to snap out of it, but that is where my head is today.