our sitches have some similarities too. I think alot of us have several things or at least a few things in common. Like you, My wife and I had no affairs. Wife also gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. She has also told me on several occasions that I am a great guy and that she very well might be making a big mistake. She has said that I am a great Dad. She has said time and time again that she just doesn't want to try. She has wanted to continue a lot of our lives together, even having the wish to be friends with each other after divorce...the similarities go on, but you get the idea.
With that being said, you are on the right path. I struggled SOOOO hard with impatience and the fear of having a long time line. I am just over 8mo. now and nothing major has changed in my R. DBing does get easier as time passes, as well as your ability to detach. Now keep in mind, I have been DBing for 8mo, more or less, and I am still very far from detached. However, it gets better. I am much better now than I was after BD. You will continue to get better too. You're doing great. Keep up with your GAL activities. I don't think I can stress those enough. Keeping your mind and body busy will be one of the biggest keys to your survival.
I had chuck as a coach as well, I think I spoke with him 6 or 7 times. He was insightful, but what he told me all boiled down to basic DBing skills. He was just an actual voice of reason, in contrast to a message board. Listen to him. He knows what he talks about. This forum is crucial too. However, know that while MANY of the people here are very insightful, some of it has to be taken with a grain of salt. Take me for instance, like I REALLY know what I am talking about? Not really. I am just learning as I go. But, I do know that a lot of DBing is very counter-intuitive. You need to be aware of that. I have personally settled in to being very passive with my W. I am always upbeat when speaking with her. I try to be suportive of her feelings and not share many of my own. I am basically acting like a friendly neighbor, and that seems to be keeping the situation less volatile.
Like you, our sep. started off with both parties stating that they didn't know if they would ever date. in regards to my wife, that changed shortly after she moved out. I "think", (and I have to be careful with that because its also considered "mind reading around here), that wife is currently involved in a relationship. Actually, I know she is. I am just not sure if it's purely EA or whether it has gone PA. Early on for me I considered that a deal breaker. I told myself ONCE that happens, I am through. Well, I am not. Your feelings are going to change during this process so be careful about things you say or think in absolute positives. They very well may change, like mine have. Also, don't let time force you. I have set time limits over and over again. It has done nothing but disrupt my ability to DB. This IS going to take a long long time, so settle in for the long haul.
In regards to ML, I would have a couple things on my mind. First, I know that ML does have a connection that brings two parties together on a closer plane. That I know. However, it more than likely not "fix" anything. So, if you are able to deal with it emotionally, I don't see the harm in it. Actually, it could be a positive. However, keep your expectations in a locked box and don't let yourself get spun out of control. That about the only advice I can give you about that.
Suckerpunch, 8 months? Ugh, I feel for you. As I said before, I'm only 2 months since BD and can not imagine adding 6 months to that and not seeing significant improvement or at least her telling me one way or the other. Why do these spouses take so long to actually file or go through with the divorce? A month ago I told my W that when the time came that she felt the need to date someone that I WANTED the divorce. She said ok. Was that the smartest plan? Don't know, but my counselor asked me if I would be ok with her dating while still married to me? I said no. I do at this time call it a deal breaker as you did but know it will be very hard to follow through with. Your story def seems a lot like mine. I guess a huge problem I have is this, I left you and said I want a divorce and do not want to attempt to save the marriage, but I'll just leave you sit for however long I please while I do what I want and you give me child support. I guess I take some spec of hope from the fact she's not running off to file for D, and that I hope she is really wanting to see if this is what she wants. Hanging pictures of us as a family up in your new house seems so strange to me, planning to still go on vacation with me? She holds all the power at this time. And I know I have a choice in all this but number one, I want my wife back and my family back together. Hearing my 5 yr old tell me he wants his mommy to live here again is tearing me up inside. I'm starting to vent and ramble. Ha. I'll start adding you to my prayers as well. Good luck to you and thank you for sharing your story.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
As SP said the timeline can be long. I am nearing 8mo. Since this all started and 6 since W moved out. I thought for sure within 3mo it would be over one way or the other, but its not and I can see a year or more now, easy. The good part it it gives you time, time to work on you. If you waist time like I have, then it just gives you less time to work with or draws out the process longer.
Best advice and hardest at the same time is to focus on you and your kids. Get therapy, find hobbies, make new friends, spend lots of time with your kids. Move forward and let your W do her own thing.
Things will change like crazy and sometimes daily. Get ready for a long ride. I know you want this to not take long, but it didn't you very well not like the outcome.
There are good signs with your sitch. Read the books, listen to ur coach, listen to the vets. I am like SP as I am not a vet, just going through the process just like you.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
As another coming up to 8 months, I agree with jp and suckerpunch both. It's a long ride, or my favourite: it's a marathon not a sprint. Is the W worth it, yes.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
To answer your question about ML, I think it is a good idea, but do not read too much into it. Being intimate with each other can bring you closer together, and it shows that she is open to you.
I agree with the sentiment that it takes a long time. Also, depending on your sitch, it is an up/down rollercoaster. In 6 months from BD, my W has gone from the verge of moving out, to deciding to stay, to a strange limbo. She is unhappy with many aspects of her life and this spills over into our R.
Somebody told me once, I think it may have been 25yearmlc, that you HAVE to remember that this is not easy on the WAS. Seperation, divorce, damaging children, financial crisis, its all horrible. The WAS feels this just as much as we do. They are not horrible people. These are the men and women that we lived our lifes with, the parents of our children, people we knew and loved with all our hearts and souls. The kicker is, they can't show it because that would be like an admission of being wrong. They have to enforce their decisions so they can prove to themselves they are making the right choice to move on. So, they speak in complete negatives, act like somebody we don't even know, play us in the role of the bad guy. They are desperately trying to prove to themselves that they are making the right moves, so they never need to look back. But in reality, they are really struggling with their decisions. We focus on the LBS most of the time, but it has to be incredibly hard for the WAS. They are having just as hard of a time as the LBS, maybe even more because on top of everything else, they are feeling the guilt. I would bet money that my wife has shed as many (or possibly more) tears than I have since BD, yet I have never seen her cry. She has never shown me an ounce of regret or reluctance. But the fact is, our spouses can't be happy about all of this, even though that is what they protray.
When you find yourself in a limbo, it seems so daunting, so grim, but in actuality that limbo can work in our advantage. The WAS is reluctant to move forward, most likely because they are not 100% sure in their decisions. or perhaps, maybe it's financial reasons hiolding them back, or religous reason. Whatever the reason, that limbo gives us time to show them our improvements, to enforce that shadow of a doubt that they are feeling about moving on. We get a chance to make them think, "man, am I really doing the right thing here"....It takes a long time, but the longer it goes, the longer you stay married, and the longer you have the opertunity to win back your spouses attention. Hopefully if things work out, the WAS will see that they should return to a happier, healthier relationship. That is why we have to focus only on ourselves and our children. The only way we get them back is to show them that only a fool would leave us......and if they do ultimately move on, it's their loss, and we still come out as better people in the end.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
...and if anybody needs another reason for why we validate and do not argue you got it there!
As long as we argue their decisions we confirm their decisions. We increase their guilt. We push them away because we seem less understanding and caring. When we validate their feelings we don’t!
People will follow those who:
Don’t argue – validate!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Yes, well said. I'm just into 6 mo since BD. I thought I was making progress in these last few weeks. In fact, I invited WAS for a bubbly to celebrate sorting out the wind-up of our UK flats (we're now both in her home country - which is also mine.) And she accepted. H/w this week she also said that she wasn't prepared [until 6 months] to have counselling about raising our baby (15mo) as co-parents. And, harder for me, she told me today that she will start job hunting using her maiden name. That hit me really really hard as I thought she was softening. But, nevertheless, I sent the following email (removed names for confidentiality). I share it because it was hard to overcome my initial grief and harder tone, and I was/am proud of this. I think you're right that the WAS wants to justify a very hard choice they made. To DB, we must gently, persistently, patiently, not be that justification. Even though this has been an incredibly hard day for me. I go to bed feeling good about that email too. Bitterness & resentment are such false friends. Being the bigger person especially when it is hard, leads to contentment.
Keep the hope LBS everywhere.
Hi WAS,
Thank you for letting me know as it would be harder to hear this through another channel.
I guess I wasn’t expecting this just yet as I am still working through this separation in my own way. But obviously this is your decision and, although I can't deny that I feel very sad about it, I want to support you as much as I can in this situation.
I do hope you don’t want to deny your successes as -Prior name- though as they were plentiful!
All the very best with the job hunting. Please let me know if I can assist with anything.
