My Story -- Heart Hurting

[Hurt But Hopeful]

Hello everyone. I am new to the community and new -- relatively -- to the heartache and pain that everyone is going through. I just received my books (DB and TDR) today in the mail and look forward to reading them and working on the steps that will hopefully bring my marriage back.

Being new to this I have made some mistakes along the way, but I also have seen in reading through a few threads that that's par for the course. And I also know it's going to be a long, painful process, but that it can be done.

The details --

My W and I have been married nearly 15 years -- actually having anniversary next week, though I doubt there will be any celebrating given where she is right now -- and together for 17. Two kids, on balance a pretty good union -- a few missteps here and there, but who doesn't have that, right?

Anyway, about three years ago we decided to enter the world of swinging, and had fun with it. That led to a few more things, including her experimenting with some fetish things and me getting curious about polyamory. Without going into a ton of detail, it happened that I found someone I liked and wanted to cultivate a "dating" relationship with. We went out a couple of times and had fun, and there was sex involved. This is where the problems started (or rather, where things imploded). We had a few simple rules we agreed to follow --

1. The other partner had to know who you were with and where you would be.
2. You had to practice safe sex.
3. You had to make sure you weren't bringing any drama into our home.

My W knew the first one, and neither of us really knew that the lady was nutty, so there was no way to know number three fully. Number two is the rule that was broken ... I had a condom and wore it, but before everything finished it came off inside of her. I should have stopped, and even asked her if we should continue, and she said "yes, it's fine.' (We both are fixed, and she said she had been tested and didn't have anything). I know I SHOULD have walked away right then and there but didn't, so I broke what many would consider the most important of our rules.

On the drive home I wondered what I would tell my wife -- I did plan to tell her. She was asleep when I got home, and bonehead that I am I decided to let her sleep. I left for work in the morning before she got up, so didn't tell her then, either. My plan was to tell her that night, in person, when the kids were gone. Little did I know that the OW put together an email and sent it to the man my wife has been "experimenting" with from the fetish site (with my complete blessing). So now he's in the middle, and he passes it on to my wife. Needless to say, armageddon broke out shortly afterward. She was mad not only that I broke our big rule, but that I also didn't have the respect and decency to tell her about the minute I got home. Guilty as charged, I'm afraid. I should note that it's not the first time I have been dishonest with/hidden something from her, though this one had no malicious intent. Earlier in our marriage I did a little online sports gambling and wasn't up front about it, and I also set up an online profile on a dating website to talk to women (though that's all it was, talk). It was during a period when my wife was fatigued, wasn't interested in sex and did nothing about it. We later found out she had a thyroid issue, but at the time she wasn't doing anything about it so I went to the Internet to chat with some ladies.

This event happened on March 14th, and things have been swirling ever since. There have been arguments, a few nice days, a lot of tears, and fear as to what might be ahead. I've seen the scenarios where we are no longer together, and I don't like them. I haven't valued our marriage the way I should have, and now it's coming back to bite me in the backside. I am prepared to take any vitriol people might want to toss my way.

I have made some conciliatory gestures, including initiating marriage counseling, giving her access to my screen names and passwords for my banking, emails and Facebook and taking every single woman out of my phone contacts, even ones that have been mutual friends, just so there is no hint of impropriety. I also apologized to her mother and told my family about it as well, even though I don't think it's really any of their business. We also sat the kids down and told them we were "having some problems that we're working through, but there may have to be some time away."

I was doing things wrong until recently -- saying I loved her in texts, trying to make romantic gestures. Basically pushing and pressuring. I do feel horrible about it and really hope to get my marriage back.

I have started the process of detaching -- today as a matter of fact. I did not initiate any texts to her, other than one involving our kids. When she talked about separation I listened instead of rejecting it. And I've also started to GAL (as you folks call it around here), going running four to five nights a week, and planning to save a night for myself as well as meeting up with a longtime male friend to go do whatever. I have also resisted saying "I love you" for three days, and I stopped making her morning coffee as of today (don't know if that last one counts, really).

The W has said that she's not sure she wants to stay in the marriage, which makes me very sad. On balance we've had many more good times than bad, and until this latest incident there really weren't many knock down drag out disagreements. But it's like she's suddenly shut down. She commented last week "I'm just tired of all of it." I'm hoping since we're just three months in that things can turn around -- but have figured out that even if they don't I am preparing myself to be the best me I can be.

One question about detaching, and also 180s -- is detaching specific to the H-W dynamic, or everything involved? We're supposed to stay communicative when it comes to the kids and shared finances, correct? As far as 180s -- I do probably 50 percent of the household chores, so to stop that would actually be a bad idea, right? If we separate it would be obvious but as long as I am living at home I need to chip in for the general welfare and efficiency of our living space, right?

I'm sorry if this was rambling, but it is my first time posting. I will get better at it, I promise -- just as I will get better with my situation.