End-May: He called OW during our trip. She asked about me and he admitted that I was travelling with him. Feeling betrayed, she sent him a goodbye email.
OW: In these 3 months, we've been through many ups and downs. There were several times we should have already said goodbye. I'm not in the right position. I should have disappeared. Goodbye. H: I'm sorry to put you through this roller coaster. Travelling with her doesn't change how I feel for you. Right now, I am only waiting for the time to do what I want to do. OW: Okay… ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was in pieces… Reading the emails, I sensed that OW is very needy and craves the attention and support from H -- She's all alone working in a foreign country. But she's at least mature enough to step back every so often to say "This is wrong".
So in desperation, I texted OW and asked her to stop contacting H. She replied that she'd decided to stop anyway. Afterwards, I regretted contacting her. In time, H may realise for himself that she's not for him (or he may not), but I prevented him from going on that journey… Now I won't know if he's with me because he WANTS to be with me.
Those few days after her goodbye were torture. Every fiber of my being was in pain but I had to pretend that I didn't know. As for him, I've never seen him look more miserable.
What should I do now??
1. Why does DB discourage confrontation? Could someone please explain? Should I continue to pretend that I don't know? If the EA resumes, should I expose them? I came across advice (eg Allen from here, Dr Harvey of MB) that are pro-exposure.
2. I'm utterly torn between the Retrouvaille method (more communication, connection) and DB (no R talk, more space). On one hand, the Retrouvaille dialogues are useful (it gives me a chance to "hear" him out -- he's said many times that I don't listen to him). But dialogues (and the "discussions" that sometimes follow) go against the concept of giving him space. Does anyone have experience with doing the dialogues while DB-ing?
3. His attitude We have good days but he's been increasingly distant and indifferent. For example: Me: What would you like to do tomorrow (Sunday)? / or What shall we have for dinner? H: Don't know. Whatever. You decide. (tone = curt, gruff, couldn't care less)
How do I respond to this attitude? So far I've replied sweetly with suggestions "How about abc…", after all, I'm supposed to show nothing but happiness and contentment, right? Gosh, it's tough to swallow. Sometimes I sense that he doesn't want to spend time with me, but when I ask him if he'd rather be alone, he says "no". Argh… somebody, help me.
4. At this point, I'm very tempted to ask for a short separation, so that he'll hopefully miss me and change his attitude. But I know I shouldn't make that move.
5. As long as the WAS stays home, how can I give him adequate SPACE? I'm struggling to think of ways to give him space but my mind draws a blank. If I suddenly do things on my own, spend weekends without him, won't I be neglecting him ("more of the same")? Any ideas, anyone? We have so many common interests, it seems odd, almost rude, not to ask him join in my activities…
