Hoping for WAS to come home

[JaxFL14]

Another question for anyone that may know. Is there a thread on here of the success stories for any type of DB? Not just WAS but anything? I would like to read some if there are any.

[JaxFL14]

And if my WAS ever approaches me to be intimate, is it the right thing to do to turn her down? As hard as that would be. Like she can't have her cake and eat it too.

[~ kd ~]

OK, I'm glad you are clear in your mind about the date. While I am sure that you want to believe that your date ALSO is clear about your intentions and does not have her own motivations, so be it. Just please understand that a sympathetic ear is one of the fastest ways to an EA and a willing body is the fastest way to a PA.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing. So long as you remember that everything that happens regarding this person WILL be a choice. There will be no "it just happened".

Great job on working on Chuck's advice! Keep doing what you are doing in that regard. Remember that it can take time for results to show up. What you are doing should eventually produce positive results, even if they might initially look like the results are negative. Many WAS/MLCers will get mad because they think it's just a ploy to get them back or the actions create feelings of guilt or doubt in the WAS/MLCer. Only consistency over time, perhaps a couple or three more weeks, before you can really determine if what you are doing is working and whether you should begin to add some new things to the mix.

I must have missed the vacation reference from earlier. Basically, as you say, a lot can happen between now and August. Leave that topic alone unless she brings it up.

Your best bet is to assume you could be going alone, although you are OK with her coming with you, if she decides.

If she brings it up, make sure she decides. If she ASKS you if you want her to come along, that's a dangerous one. Simply let her know that while you would enjoy the company, her company, on the vacation, it needs to be her decision to go or not go.

The above is for right now. As time progresses and you have a better idea of what you want for yourself and how you contributed to your part of the break down of the M, the response might change.

On success stories, we speak here about anyone who makes positive changes in their lives are success stories, even if a M is not saved. That said, a lot of people do want to see examples of M's that are saved. There is the following:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=43&page=1

And someone else can post a link I don't have, which actually points to members who were active on this board and their Ms were saved. Although if you go into the piecing area, a lot of those people have or are in the process of "saving" their Ms.

You could be way ahead of yourself with thoughts that your W might approach you for intimacy, whether emotional or physical. Not saying you should or should not, why would you say "no"? Why would you say "yes"?

[Cadet]

I am a little bit late getting back to answer and other have done a good job.

TIME is a commodity that will now change in your perspective to relationships.
Being here, tells me that you need to make changes to yourself.

Whatever has happened will not be resolved quickly.

DB'ing is about patience and learning new tools.

Some of the things that I have learned here are now everyday habit for myself.

So I guess the point of the post is to look on the positive side of this and see what the rest of your life is going to look like.


Hope that helps.

[JRG]

Jax, My wife told me more than once while she was in the process of moving out that I was "perfect" and that she would probably never want to be married again. It's a weird thing and I wonder if they say those things to ease their guilt for hurting us.

[jp787]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...917#Post2356917

Try to keep to one thread until you read 100 post or about 10 pages, then close that thread and link to the new one. Then we can keep up easier

Hello, question for anyone. I didn't see this in the DB book or I missed it but what do we think about being intimate with my WAS? If she approaches me about it I can see both sides. Not letting her have her cake and eat it too and how being intimate may be good for the relationship and regaining a spark. Thanks!

M:33
W:32
S:5
S:4
S:8 months
Separated on 4-4-13

[JaxFL14]

Sorry about that, I don't see that my original thread had gone to two pages and thought my post about being intimate got lost or something. Thanks!

[JaxFL14]

Patience is def the hardest this for me as I'm sure it is with most people in the same situation. I'm a fixer, always have been. You have an issue? Lets fix it right now. I understand that this is not an overnight fix, if it ever is fixed, and I hear you when you say this is for fixing me and it may only be used for good in my next relationship. But I pray 100 times a day that god puts my family back together and stronger than ever. I have to remind myself she only told me about wanting to leave on April 1st and only moved out on May 4th. So only been gone just over a month. Part of her issue with me over the years was being too available, so distancing myself and refraining from texting her as I do should be a def change for her. I appreciate all the advice and support.

[jp787]

For your question about being intimate with your W, that really depends on several things.

If there is an EA/PA. What being intimate was like in your marriage. How it would emotionally effect you. If it was driven by you or your W.

[JaxFL14]

JP,
There was no A's of any kind during the marriage in either side. As far as how would it affect me I'm not sure, I'm sure it would give me false hope but if I understand it is just what it is than maybe be ok with it. I don't see her initiating it any time soon but being the man I am I'm trying to be a few steps ahead so that I don't back slide if I can help it. So it seems from the post that its not a detriment to my situation as long as I have no expectations from it?. Is that what I'm understanding?