Back from my GAL night with friends. Right on InIt... next time she calls... oh by the way...
I'm good. Holding my texts at bay! Thanks Hotwheels and SD!!! I'm never in this alone!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
JOURNAL: I'm just aggrevated. At her. At me. I'm screwing up my detachment process by allowing myself the expectations that she should be done with her trip and contacted me by now. She left a week ago today. Last Thursday she sent me the vague text about us.
Sometimes I'm so confused. Others I'm strong. Then I'm hopeful. Or maybe I'm angry. At times I'm so in love. Then I might me ready to end it all.
Filtering all of these emotions is so difficult. What do I really want? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to end up?
If I could erase it all and go back to before the affair. Would I? Yes. Wait no. I was happy. But I've learned so much. Was it worth it? I think so. Was it worth losing my wife? My heart says no.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
RT, what I've learned in DBing is the 24-hour rule. Sometimes when I got the itch to text DXW [or whatever communication method], I'd force myself to comply with the 24-hour rule. Oftentimes the sense of urgency passes...when it didn't, I increased it to 48-hours ...if that fails, then I upped it to 72-hours. I think the frustration in this process sometimes makes us want to throw in the towel on a frequent basis then we all pick up ourselves and do this ALL over again. It can be cyclic in the early stages of DBing.
With time and distance, I am now able to manage my urges more easily. Still do get that sneaky itty bitty urge to contact DXW especially after friendly text exchanges or the rare phone call. It is such a pleasure that I want more and more of it...like a love lorn puppy!
When an urge comes up, what worked for me is I distract myself with "other stuff." Hey, hey....get your gutter minds outta here!! tsk, tsk
What worked for me is talking to somebody else...then that usually alleviates the sense of urgency in talking with our WAS. Chatting up with an old college friend or even stepping out to talk to the neighbors. Going out for a walk is a good option {and a healthy one!).
VENT OF THE DAY.....Thanks Wonka & Kate! I'm getting really good at the "excuses" to contact her. lol! But I am extending my deadline Wonka!
I'm super p*ssed off at her.
To my Wife,
Come on really? You send me a letter that you are taking a trip with the AP and you don't feel good about it, that you don't think your future is with her, you ask for my forgiveness, and tell me you love me. Then 4 days into your trip you text me that we are "bent... not broken" and make me "promise?" that I know that. And here we are... No more contact, you're still on a vacation with your AP (must not be too awful of a trip!) And you haven't been out looking for a job. Since both of you are unemployed, I'm sure extended trips with no responsibility are just fabulous for both of you!
I can hear SD saying "Isn't that interesting?" LOL!!
aaaghhhhh! I feel like a bakery. It seems I am serving cake. Anybody hungry?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Ok. I'm calmer. I have read the "Rules" again today for some perspective and to reign in my emotions. I have been reading other posts, trying to stick to the ones that seem to be in a "good place" for inspiration. I took myself to a nice lunch and I have scheduled to learn to play golf for the first time this weekend with a new friend.
Breathing, breathing, letting go, giving her to God. I am only responsible for and in control of me. Breathing, breathing, letting go, giving her to God.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
RT, I understand what you are feeling. I've been there MANY times.
I have been getting nervous/anxious about my contact with my x. Why? Because I am scared. Scared she will stop contacting me? Scared that I will develop feelings fer her?
Lots of fears...
Those fears are motivating the "need" to reach out. Being motivated from that fear is no way to live. My motivations must come from a loving place.
I guess my point is - it's time for you to sit in the "uncomfortable". To look at yourself in the mirror and ask - What am I afraid of?
And then own it. Own your fears. It's okay to be scared....
From there - you can then decide what you want to do about it. From there you can decide what is loving to both yourself and her.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
