MLC by MIL death/daughter car accident/new job

[~ kd ~]

Hope everything is going good for you.

I'm guessing that the pressure you feel having to take care of your D 24/7 is stressful. I don't know if I or anyone has asked you, do you get any respite to take care of your D so that you can go out and have a break?

It is nice to know that your D has a chance to walk again and I do hope that one day the two of you can go on that run.

With the anger that is pent up in you, and I say this with complete respect to what your life looks like right now, I wonder who you would blame for your life if your H was dead.

You may feel justified to be angry with your H, but the reality is if he was dead, your life would be the same. And we can rationalize that and say, "but he's NOT dead". But it remains... what ever his reason for not being around is no bearing on how happy your life is.

Just FYI, in MLC circles there are labels for "types" of MLC. There are those who are called "vanishers" and basically just disappear. If it weren't for my kids, that would be my stbx. Sounds like that's your H, as well.

[Live4myDay]

I don't blame my life. Yes I blame him for leaving in the middle of this family crisis and I am left with the fallout of the divorce and helping my D. My sitch with my D I do NOT blame on anyone. If my H were dead, nothing would change. Like I said I don't blame him for my sitch with my D. If we did not get D I would not have been here in Florida at recovery center for my D. I have an AMAZING life if you read my earlier post. I want only to share it with my H.

I only had wished he stuck it out a little longer, tried a little harder, to put our lives back together. He jumped the gun and ran. Most certainly had been in his mind a while and took the opportunity when it came and at that point couldn't back down.

He is one of those WAS that will always say it was the best thing he ever did. Pride or Ego whatever it may be. I would love nothing more than for him to realize the damage he did and want to reconcile. I don't think he has it in him to do that even if he still loved me...the point of no return.

I've been reading another past post in which she was in same sitch. She WAS but then husband did 180 on her without even trying and she became the LBS. Although I was more a MLC at the time, but I never left or ever intended on leaving I more degleted my M and I realize all this now. But at the time I chose to ignore our problems communicating because I just knew we were married and we loved each other. We never discussed divorce or leaving. So when I realized everything going on with D out of hospital and how my life was I turned around and recommitted myself. At that point my H BD on me. And it all ended from there.

But to get to my point in reading the other post, she WAS then husband does DB but doesn't realize it and then he becomes the WAS and she ends up LBS doing 180 on her H and he then wants to work it out. Hahaha. And in the end she's been doing all the DB, 180, GAL, etc. and doesn't want to have R in the end.

Is that me? I don't know. I just know that with my sitch with my D and S and how committed to family and how much this has separated us, I would do anything to have that back and him back in our lives. It's like he would rather have the sitch as it is with such limited (on his part) visits than to try with me in it. I find that so hurtful.

Although his life has completely changed. He has become a different person now and I don't even know him. He is with OW whom he says he didn't leave for, I believe that now after reading other posts, but immediately started seeing her while we were briefly separated.

I am curious to know about the "lables of MLC types". Can you give me more info.

I find so much peace with all this when I can see things from the other side. I know we weren't perfect. And I know I was a part of the marriage falling apart. I just don't understand his ability to walk away from our sitch.

After his visit here last week, he told my D he cried all the way home from the airport to his place. Even telling his family that he would become very emotional at times while he was with them. I don't know...is that reason enough to let him know how I really feel? Everyone says that he has to make the first move, but then I think he thinks I hate him.

Curious on your thoughts. and let me know link to the labels.

Thanks for helping me through this.

[Live4myDay]

BTW the post that I was referring to is from: stongerthanever

[Live4myDay]

Ok I've had time to settle myself. Still interested in the "MLC types" if you can forward.

Other than upcoming Father's Day, there really isn't any way to communicate with one another. I'll probably text him Happy Father's Day just to reciprocate since he text me Happy Mother's Day. Odd because he can't even text me Happy Birthday of which I celebrated 25 years with. And he text me on Saturday, which I replied thank you but its tomorrow. He then text me again on Sunday.

Feeling a little more in control of my life these days. S just left from his week and half visit that I enjoyed so much!!! He plans on returning sometime in August for 2 weeks before he returns back to college.

I guess now I just learn to practice PATIENCE...work on myself, GAL and PMA. I'm trying to just stay "dark" even on facebook I'm not really posting anything about myself. He doesn't have facebook but I know he either looks at mine or has someone keep him up to date because he's made comments to my D.

I'm trying really hard not to focus on him and OW. Told S and D that he doesn't see her that much maybe 2x a month. I playout different scenerios in my head of how it's gonna end for them. LOL. But I more often think about him thinking about me. Of which I hardly think he does. I miss him. But so much time has passed (2 years) that I am so afraid that I am totally gone from his life.

My D and I may be planning a major move in the future and told my D to have me email him my thoughts...really? He can't contact me himself. Sad really. I'm not opening that door until he knocks. That's one of those things (GAL) that maybe he should start to wonder about. But being with my D nothing is that secret.

Any thoughts or ideas of future communications??

[job]

Here are the three types of Mlcers and this was written by Sally Conway.

Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis
By Sally Conway
Chapter 8: Life Without Him
Pages 90-92

THE DROPOUT
If your husband has dropped all communication with you or any of his family, your best course of action is not to chase after him. You may want to make sure he is well and safe, but after you know that,don't bother him. If you do, he may only run somewhere else. Or he may resent you even more. In some cases, depending on his personality and the reasons for his leaving, a husband may need to know that you care for him and that he is welcome to return home. But don't pester him. Choose the best way to let him know you care, do it, and then leave him alone. He will recover faster if you are not aggravating him.

THE DROPLET
The family who receives occasional contacts from a man who leaves, may feel wounded every time. You need to pray that God will give you special grace whenever he contacts you so you can be wise, patient, and loving. Each time your husband gets i touch with you, you are being tested. How you handle the encounter will have a lot to do with the decision he is making about whether or not to return. Again, it may not seem fair. You are under unusual stress, and yet you need to be at your best emotionally and spiritually. That is why you need to keep in vital fellowship with the Lord and some human friends.

THE DROP-IN
The man who keeps in frequent touch by telephoning and visiting seems to get his cake and have it, too. He gets to have the benefits of home and the benefits of independence. Some men who have left will walk unannounced into the house, sit down to meals, watch TV, help themselves to the food in the refrigerator, play with the children--and leave again.
You don't need to feel that you are being used and abused. Show that you want to be his best friend and provide what he needs during this time of confusion. Be sensitive to whether or not he feels like talking. But don't pressure him into deep conversation, especially about where your relationship is now, when he is coming home, and so on. It is a good sign that he at least keeps coming to the house for short times. Women who never see their husbands wold like to trade places with you.

[Live4myDay]

Thanks for sending that. It makes me wonder though...I really think my H is a WAS. Although all the MLC that initiate it are there. I just feel so hopeless. I love this man and my family and now that it has totally changed I don't know how to deal with it or rather him.

He was with our friends (his best friend) that were with us on our wedding when we eloped and actually spent our honeymoon with them camping. Told my D he had a great nite. I wondered if he thinks of me while with them and see's them and their family together with their kids and miss what we had. I'm sure he told them all about his trip to Europe with OW. or do they just appease him. Look how happy he is now...

I text him happy fathers day. and that I miss hearing the kids say "hey Dad..." all i got was a "thanks" back. Which is fine I didn't even expect that. I'm learning NO expectations.

I have to write an email to him and my FIL and my parents explaining my thoughts on an upcoming move. A big change in my D and in my life. Moving about 3 hours away and her going to a new recovery program. My H did ask my D for my opinion...never asked me directly. I'll write it today. I will keep it very positive and GAL. I want to come across as confidant, happy, and excited for the change.

If there are any thoughts on WAS vs MLC for my situation I would appreciate the comments. I know this will probably take years...so in the mean time, I want to learn and grow and be prepared to handle those years ahead. If we even get that far. I don't think I can ever give up on him.

[Live4myDay]

Just read: new light on MLC

Very interesting. I feel my XH is WAS ever more so now. I just don't know how to get through to him. I feel I will always be the reason he left. He's just done.

Hard to hang on. Patience.

[Live4myDay]

Feeling very rejected and isolated tonight. My XH and D facechated. He is visiting his sister and her husband. He and a co-worker (originally friend of ours before work) were away in Boston and a work related trip and they rented a car to visit them for the weekend. Hmmm. I always loved visiting them. We would go every thanksgiving with the kids even bringing the dog.

Now as they are facechatting while sitting around the table i'm hurt that I'm not included. To hear their voices and talk as if all together. They went from person to person chatting with D and no one mentioned me. Honestly, expectations says why would they. But my SIL has always said tell your mom we said hi.

I suppose with her brother there she didn't want to bring up the elephant in the room - me. As they were saying goodbye my XH did say to my D your doing a great job and so is your mom.

Just feeling very sad tonight that he leaves and has a girlfriend and just severs everything...even family. I was there for the births of their children and vise versa. We spent almost every chirstmas together. Now they can't even acknowledge me.

I'm sure he has told them his side or view of things and made me out to be some bad guy or monster in the picture. Maybe even over his recent visit. i don't know...quit assuming.

I can't imagine that you can piece that back together. How do couples get back together after ALL the familiy has been through. Not just me and XH.

Just crying and trying to not let it bother me. I'm sure my XH isn't crying over my family not acknowledging him. But then again he is the one who left me for a new life. Blaming him. but they see no reason to communicate...they are very angry at him for leaving and doing what he did to me and our family. We were all very close.

Need to go detatch somewhere. Hearing his voice and comments just melted me.

[Live4myDay]

I guess I'm just journaling here now...

Yesterday was my S 21st birthday. He is back home living with my parents during college break. I got to facechat with him and sing happy birthday and watch him blow the candles out. Hahaha Special day just wanted to enjoy with him. He's a really good kid. His dad is still out of town for work so I know he wasnt with him. Not that it matters...but still.

While leaving work this afternoon my D says I can't believe we've been here (our new place in Florida) for 2-1/2 years!!! WHAT!! Really hit me hard. WoW!!

I feel like I'm the MLC that comes out of the tunnel and thinks everythings the same... physically everything has totally changed; but emotionally I just feel like he's been away on a very long trip. Is that normal?

Probably not...I've GAL!! Went on a few meet-ups. I like my life and my freedom. Getting used to it. I think maybe because i'm with our D 24/7 that it just feels like he's still involved.

He and I haven't spoken (meaning a real conversation) in probably 3 years since after the BD. Like I said before I did ALL everyone of the listed NOT to DO's.

I'm working on my PMA , GAL, 180's and just becoming a better improved me. I still have hope that he'll come around, but I really do think that he thinks he has a better life now. Pride or ego which ever.

But the 2-1/2 year was just a wake up call of sorts. Reminding me of Time and patience...

[Live4myDay]

So I'm working on detachment. That is quiet obvious I'm not there yet. Tomorrow would have been our 24th anniversary. I know. Who cares...it's just always been a special day and that is hard to forget. We eloped. Planned it all and married in a small church with a few close friends and his sister. Wonderful wedding. I wore my great aunt's wedding dress.

So we've been divorced 2 years. Last year we had a big texting go-a-bout. He text me looking for pictures of his close friend that passed away a few years earlier. I was so emotionally upset that he could ask for that on our anniversary, yet has never even asked for one picture of our children. I have them all. That angered me. But when I text back that I couldn't go through the pictures and that it was still too difficult. He replied, "why?" Seriously, I told him. Acted all "oh" .

So this year I know I won't hear from him and he probably forgot all about it. He is with OW this week. After his two week trip to Europe he was extremely busy at work and traveling from Detroit, Boston, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh. He told my D that he needed a break...Seriously. I can't make this up.

And last week was our S 21st birthday. You'd think he'd be all proud and want to take him out to his favorite local place and have a beer with him. I know I was so excited to go with my dad when I was of age. It's like a ritual. All my son got was a card with money in it. Sad. I know I wasn't able to be there for obvious reasons, but come 'on he could have made plans with him while he was home.

I need to detach... why is this so easy for him and so hard for me. We are miles apart, never talk, etc.

"Detachment is not being affected by the actions, comments, or behaviors of others."