Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks for the encouragement A/S,

I am at the point where i just want to vent and share some of my thoughts about what has been happeningand try to clear my head a bit.

I keep fighting the thoughts in my head whether i should move on, or keep trying. No matter what anyone says, it is almost impossible not to think about my sitch constantly. The thoughts are there constantly like a hammer beating me in the head all day long.

It seems funny how friends offer their support in the beginning but as time goes by they fade from view to tend to their own families and lives. Sure, they offer to go do things once in awhile, but the reality is, its hard to deal with all of this without having your wife by your side.

My wife has an identical twin sister who lives 3 hours away, and i am not placing blame but the truth of the matter is, whenever we had a bump in the marital road, she would go to her sister first. We never worked anything out because she always went to her sister with our problems.

I find it hard to wish my wife the best in life after all this. I know i am supposed to want her to be happy, and maybe if she does find happiness, it will lead us to a new R, but its very hard to want peace and happiness for someone who has hurt us so very much. I know over the years, my controlling nature has hurt her so much, but she didn't give me the chance to try to change. I truly didn't know how unhappy she was.

So many of you say to GAL, and hearing the words and putting them into action aren't always easy. I have been riding bike more and trying to be more healthy and stay occupied doing odd jobs for my sister and her husband, but no matter what, my thoughts about our upcoming D are never far away, if they ever leave at all. I find myself not wanting to talk to co-workers and am short and irritated quite a bit. I am trying to control these things and hopefully one day i will be able to get back to the man i once was.

Part of my frustration that is rapidly growing is the fact that i am trying to finish a couple remodeling projects on our house on the weekends. The problem is, i have my kids on the weekends and i cannot find time to spend with them while trying to finish the remodel. My W promises that she will get things done during the week, but when i get back on the weekends, there is absolutely no progress from her. My hands are full and i am having a tough time trying to get it all done and still be a good dad to my kids. There is some resentment in the fact that during weekends i have to worry about getting these projects done while she goes out with her friends.

Looking back, i realize the mistakes i have made, but I am also lonely, scared, and tired. I miss having someone there to give me a hug. I miss the physical and emotional aspects of a marriage. I miss my wife and the family we were.

I read so many others threads here and it sure seems like so many of us are going through the same things so i realize i am not the only one in the world with problems. I am not looking for pity, just want a chance to vent.

I have listened to everyones advice about letting her go and i am trying my best not to backslide, but it is awfully tough to go through a day and not text her to tell her i miss her and things will be better. (i haven't done this) but i have had a backslide or two.

I read from others that patience is the key, and i know i cannot try and change things, but when some say it could take months or even years, how does anyone want to fight for something that long. I know GAL will help and to live for myself and kids now, but when you cannot control the thoughts in your head from going back constantly to my sitch, even GAL is difficult.

I keep telling myself that this is the bottom and it will get better from here, but it seems like every day i fall farther and farther not knowing when i will finally land on my feet and begin to start crawling my way back out.

I guess God has a plan for me although i will have to do alot of work on myself first, but i pray every day that things will get better.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit and feel free to chime in about some of your own sitch's or thoughts.

Good luck everyone and keep fighting.